Token "Black" Girl

I need to go on a little rant!

I hate being the token black girl... and then having it pointed out!

I've been the token black girl for most of my life. Which is fine! I've always went to multicultural schools where I hung out with everyone! My past best friends have represented most of the nations of the world... and my present friends do to. So I have often been known as the tall black skinny girl! I get it... easiest way to point me out in a crowd or describe me to someone else!

But what I don't like is when being the token black girl makes me insanely uncomfortable. Where I wish that I wasn't... or I feel lower then everyone else. THIS is not a good feeling! And this feeling doesn't come from the stranger on the street screaming out N*gger... or from the women in the store following me around. This feeling of being ostracized comes from actually hanging around with people!

I felt uncomfortable a lot while helping my friend plan her wedding. I kept hearing comments like "Well we're not black so we can't do that" or "Well all of North America does that... except for you" or "We couldn't walk down the aisle to a song you would pick because we don't like R&B".

The problem with all of these comments is that they were soooooooooooooooooooo off! They were unnecessary comments to make and weren't even applicable! Everyone just assumed what I was thinking instead of asking me... everyone just assumed that I knew nothing about a "white" wedding!

I've also felt pretty uncomfortable while hanging out with a former co-worker's friend. She'll continue to make comments about being black and white... as she is of mixed race and feels that she can do that! But all the while making me feel like I'm so beneath everyone for looking fully black. She'll make comments about how I don't go to certain places because there's no black people there... or how I wouldn't want to go into that bar because there's no black people. The worse was when she told everyone that it was obvious that I knew the song that the DJ was playing because it was by a black artist! I almost felt like I should stop talking to everyone... because I was so beneath them and I shouldn't interact with people of other races even if I knew how! Which apparently I didn't!

My best friend is going to be reading this wondering when I'm going to say that I'm not black! hahaha!

I'm not fully black! My mother is of hispanic and desi (indian) descent... while my father is mostly black. So I'm of mixed-race!

And I don't even really identify with being black. It's too broad. And when people think of black they APPARENTLY think of Jay-Z or Beyonce... talking ghetto and listening to hip hop... wearing bling and Baby Phat! But that's just a small part of those who are considered black! There's Africans, West Indians and Hispanics... each of them have a completely different culture; they don't use the same slang or dress the same way... they don't listen to the same music or have the same ideals.

I do identify with being a Canadian West Indian... and that's by choice because not everyone in my house identifies with it. I like having made the choice to what defines me... I'm not going to follow society's idea of what being black is just because of how much melanin God gave me!

And I just wish people took the time to ask me what I was all about. Instead of just assuming. Ask me why I wear gold or if my hair is real... ask me what kind of music I listen to and if most of my friends are black! And if you even take the time to really talk to me... you'll realise that I sound like a Valley Girl and often say random words in Italian!

I'm still trying to figure out what to do in those moments when I feel like I'm beneath everyone else for being black... I am praying that I don't have to be in that situation again, but that might just be wishful thinking!

My "WARNING" Tag Woud Say...

A few months ago, a fellow blogger had written a blog about things that people should know about her... if they really knew her. I found it really interesting. And as I have started a new job and started hanging out with different people, I have become more aware of things that I probably should have told them after I told them my name. Like...

(1) I laugh really loud... like REALLY loud! And I'll do it when we're in public... on the phone... when we're just chilling... in the movies theatre... at the office. I can't control it... I laugh loud!

(2) I'm quite touchy! I'm always making some kind of physical contact... whether I'm walking into you or kicking you or grabbing you're arm. I know no physical boundaries... I'll lick you're face and jump in your lap and rub my face in you're arm and grab your nipple. Oops ;)

(3) I don't often finish my food. I have a small stomach. I can look at food and get full! I do feel bad for those who are starving in other countries... and TRUST, if I could mail it to them, I would!

(4) I'm always cold and rarely hot. I wear 3 layers of pants in the winter... and sleep w/at least 1 blanket all year round!

(5) I'm completely and utterly insecure! I always think everyone is laughing at me... which makes me really awkward in a large group. I think no one will like me or I have nothing of any value to say or my breath smells... either way! I'm pretty confident that I should just not talk. If I could be invisible, I'd be quit happy.

(6) I love passionately with all of my being. It's a risk but that's just a part of the thrill.

(7) I have a very hard time saying no. I actually don't think I ever say it. Hence why the past 2 weekends I have volunteered instead of sleeping in like I really wanted to! Or why I'm often double-booked and end up praying someone will just cancel with me!

(8) I am usually performing for an invisible camera that follows me around... I'm on a reality TV show and I'm the main character. And since it's all about me... I get to look directly at the camera and talk to my viewers ;)

(9) I'm a bit of a square... I would eat at the same restaurant and order the same thing for the rest of my life if I could. And it'd most likely be a BigMac trio w/a coke w/no ice!

(10) I hate using the phone! If I call you at all it's because I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that you actually like me and aren't going to yell at me... or I've avoided you for so long I know that I have made the whole situation a zillion times worse.

Worth the Wait

Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. I don't care if you say it isn't a holiday. It is for me! I love all its commercialness... I love chocolate and flowers and candy and cards... I love red and sometimes pink. And I love love! And having never had a boyfriend... ever... let alone for Valentine's Day... it doesn't really represent a couple thing for me. Since College, I'd ask a friend that I'm close with to be my Valentine so that I could buy all those fun things. And I'd usually get flowers from my brother... so really, it was a great holiday!

This year, a week before Valentine's Day, I went to see "He's Just Not that Into You"... what a big mistake. It left me feeling so terrible depressed about all the guys that were just NOT that in me. It's a sad sad realization. And yes, I did realize it before but the movie just resurfaced all those terrible feelings. I don't think I've recovered yet.

I watched a video on Facebook a few nights ago... it was of a Pastor preaching to single guys... telling them how to find their wife. In a small nut shell, he said that you should just grow a set and ask her out... to her face... to dinner. Don't facebook her or text or... and don't ask her to movie. And he said that girls should just walk away from guys you don't put the effort into you. It was interesting because it wasn't so much that he's just not that into you... it was more that he just doesn't know how to treat you. Either way, don't date him.

A few minutes later I got a text asking if I wanted to go to the movies.

A co-worker asked me recently how long was my longest relationship... and instead of just facing the shame of it all... I said that I date jerks. Which is true! And then he asked me why I did this to myself... is it because I'm afraid of commitment.

Maybe... but I think only jerks ask me out...

It's hard to not think that has something to do with me. Like what on my forehead says that I don't deserve a real date... to a real restaurant... where he pays? And what about me says that I don't deserve to meet his friends? Or that I'm not worth the title girlfriend or a commitment?!?

I was asked a few weeks ago what type of do I like. I didn't answer... it was a guy asking. I felt awkward telling him that it was a bunch of things he probably wasn't. But then, I knew that it didn't matter the type I liked because I always settle. My standards are high but at the end of the day... I sell myself short.

I think I'm done selling myself short. I think it's time I honored my own personal standards. And stopped settling for a moment's glimpse of what love may look like...

And this may mean that I'll be single for a very VERY long time... because yes, my standards are quite high. But at least when he comes along, I'll know he's the one and hopefully... he'll know I'm worth it.

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Proverbs 31:10