Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Psalm 42:11
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I just need to take a moment to thank God all that He has blessed me with! Because really, where would I be without Him? What would I be without Him? He truly is my everything... my friend, counselor, protector and provider!
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The past few weeks have been pretty stressful for me. I have been feeling really lost coming back from my trip. Being out of school... I feel like I need to make some serious decisions. And I hate wasting time... which just seems to put more stress on me. I'm broke and don't have a job... and to some people that might seem so simple. Go out and get a job! Unfortunately for me... life just isn't that simple. I just have so much riding on every decision I make... I want everything I do to be what God wants me to do. And of course I haven't always done that in my life... because I wasn't willing to wait on Him. Pretty much every mistake I've made really comes down to waiting. It's so much easier to take the short-term enjoyment then wait for the eternal satisfaction! But I want to start waiting... I want to wait for what God has in store for me... for the blessings He has for me.
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So I have been praying a lot for direction... do I look for a career job or an in the mean-time job? Do I look for a job in Montreal? Toronto? New York? London? Do I start my own business? What am I doing with my life?!?
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But as I'm waiting for the answer to these questions... life is still going on! So I still have bills to pay... and I still need to be doing some kind of activity! I mean, when my mom comes home and asks me what I did all day... I can't just say... I prayed! I would definitely get a lecture about how jobs don't just fall from the sky. And she would retell me the story of the man who drowned waiting for God to save him... when he had multiple opportunities to be saved! So I tried to do as much as I could without making a decsion... praying that God wouldn't forget me! Trying to keep my faith... knowing that He promises to take care of everything.
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And once again He has proven Himself faithful! I was really stressed out about one of my bills that I wouldn't be able to pay. And as I was trying to figure out all the ways that I could try to pay it... by using my pitiful human strength... God came through... I got the money. And though I believe in supernatural things... this wasn't that supernatural... but a blessing just the same. Between my government checks, some money I brought back from Europe... and a very random blessing from a friend... I was able to pay my bill. Praise God!
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But now I have made a decision... and I am so scared that it wasn't the right thing to do. I decided to start subsituting at the daycare again... even though I quit in June :P And I know that part of me is thinking that it's a back up plan if God doesn't come through! And that really isn't a good idea! The hardest thing about choosing to do what God wants you to do... is sometimes you look very stupid to everyone else! So as much as other people think, well! You need the money so why not work... I'm thinking, oh no! am I taking matters into my own hands and not waiting! Or is this what He wants me to do!?! I don't know!
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I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
[and] those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Pslam 130:5; Isaiah 40:3
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And God is so into waiting! He wants us to wait for prayers to be answered... He wants us to wait for promises to be fulfilled! Which is a hard thing to grasp in our society... I try to avoid waiting for anything... and my world caters to this! But waiting is so good... because it builds character, determination... and teaches persistence and consistency. A few qualities that I could work on.
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So since I have decided to follow Jesus with all that I have... I should be waiting on Him for all that I need. Which is hard for me to explain to people! I try to explain why I'm not working or why I'm broke or why I don't just follow my dreams... to move or to start my own business... or why not call the guy I think I'm gonna marry!!! Because I'm waiting... and if I continue to wait with my hope in Him... trusting that God will continue to be my everything... the end result will be beyond my wildest imagination! :)
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"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him"
1 Corinthians 2:9
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