My Better Half

I'm emotional.

I cry.

I make decisions based on my feelings... which makes me quite indecisive most of the time. Okay, who am I kidding... all of the time.

My feelings are based on the warped views in my mind.

I don't often feel confident. I don't often feel pretty. I don't often feel important. I don't often feel worthy. And I don't even know why... I just feel.

I absolutely adore people who are the polar opposite of me. I admire them and aspire to be just like them. Chad, my uncle and the love of my life are/were all my opposite. They're logical. They don't often cry and they don't run on feelings. They make decisions because they have to. They do what they have to do no matter how they feel. And because of that they are successful... or were... or will be.

And the best thing about them... is that they don't put up with me and my crap. They don't accept my tears. They don't accept my indecisivness. They push me and they challenge me. And yes, they hurt me and I cry (even though I'm not allowed)... but they are the best thing for me.

These are the people I call when my world flips upside down and I have no more tears left to cry. When I don't know what to do or which way to turn. When I know I need a good swift hard kick in my behind.

Many people think they're jerks. Because they're blunt... they don't sugar coat and they don't care if they hurt you because they don't believe in feelings. Okay, so maybe they don't have the GREATEST personality in the world. But honestly... I need them.

And it's not to say I don't need everyone else. Because I do! I need my girls who cry with me. And I need my family who holds my hand. But I'm not going to get too far w/o the kick.

That's my personality. I know this... I need a kick. And I hope that one day I won't... and I'll be confident and I'll make great decisions and keep my eyes on the goal. Or! I'l just end up marrying someone who kicks me everyday!

Personally I'd rather keep my emotional side and add a bit more confidence... and then marry a logical man. Because if I became logical I would definitely lose myself... God made me emotional so I can make art. I write... I paint... I dance... I'm an artist. And beautiful art comes from feeling passionately. Emotional people feel passionately. And it's not to say that logical people don't make art... they do... but it's a bit more calculated then mine. They color in the lines... I don't.

So after my cry fest... I got a good hard swift kick from my uncle.

And I feel good.

I don't know how much has changed internally for good... but I'm at least going to get off my butt. I need to stay focused... and not stress. I will do this... I will get a job. And I am going to pursue a job. I am going to do what I can to get a great job. No matter how stretched I am or uncomfortable. Even though I really want to crawl into my bed with the covers over my head and cry... I will not! I will get up and get a job.

Let's see how long this lasts before I have to get kicked again.