Wholeheartedly

The thought of going back to Montreal is quite saddening. Though I don't really think I'm one, somewhere in the back of my mind I definitely feel like a failure. That those who don't know me... or don't read this blog... will think I'm a failure. Like I couldn't hack it... or I've made yet another bad decision.

I'm like the queen of bad decisions or broken dreams... or things just not panning out the way I thought they would or the way I want them to. Like I've said before... I'm really not a pink covered book. I've had business ventures fall through... relationships become non-existant... vacations that I'm still paying for... jobs that I quit and end up right back at... an education that doesn't lead me to anything... the list goes on and on.

And now Toronto just fits right in... I thought it would be forever but once again, it didn't work out. Just like that business I got an account for or all my beauty products I planned to see or that party I invested 1000's of dollars or that guy I thought I would marry or that friend who I thought I would grow old with.

It's hard not to look at everything as a failure... and to not look back on my life as a big broken dream. But I'm sure people see it that way... actually people have told me they see it that way.

A few weeks ago I was watching Christina Applegate's sitcom, Samantha Who? where she was talking about all her bad relationships. She wanted to try to just forget about men for awhile because she was always falling in love and then getting heartbroken. But then her dad told that it was just who she was and it just showed that she was living.

I liked that.

I would rather look back on my life, not as a bunch of mistakes but rather... a bunch of risks I took. I tried things... and no they didn't work out but at least I tried. I take risks... I leap and jump and test the water... with my whole self! And more often then not, do I have to get back in the boat. But that's okay! Because at least I know I'm alive.

Someone once asked me if everything I do is calculated. And I was so offended because he was totally saying that I'm not spontanoeus... and now I realise, I'm a lot more of a risk-taker then he thought!

So yes, my life may look like it's filled with a zillion mistakes... and that is probably what most of you see. But trust me, in the end... everything will have worked out perfectly!

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:28 (NLT)