This year, the holiday were like a whirlwind. They came so fast blowing around everything in its past and leaving me to pick up the pieces. I still haven't full recovered. And now I'm left wondering what I want for 2009.
I really didn't like 2008. It started out pretty positive with me getting my license after how long! And my adorable nephew being born! And I also got to work at the daycare full-time w/a group of kids that I adore. But then it quickly went down hill. I went into a depression and started just hating life. And instead of sleeping it all away like I usually do... I decided that I would just make it worse. I might as well make the most of the crap I had to deal with... what a stupid thing to do. I put myself in more debt just because I could and had a random fling that left me feeling more lonely. Many of my relationships dwindled... especially with God and those who encouraged me in my Christianity. I blamed it on my depression but it was probably more about shame. I didn't want to talk about what I was doing... I didn't want to face the reality. I just wanted to screw it all up worse. Thinking about I'm so dumbfounded... I almost acted like someone told me I had 3 months to live! BUT I DIDN'T! Then I quit my steady job for a pretty crappy seasonal job... only to end the summer with just a bit more debt and a lot more depression!
In August, I had made the decision to move to Toronto. I'm sure I gave a zillion reasons for this but there were 2 main ones. (1) I hoped that a change of scenery would end my depression. I wanted to get away from everything that I thought depressed me... family, work, fake friends, horrid relationships, a zillion mistakes! I just wanted to run away from them all. And I believed that once I did...
I would be a better me. And (2) I chose Toronto as the city to become this better me because of my uncle and aunt. I wanted the experience of living with them... I felt that God wanted me to learn from them about marriage and financial success. I honestly could've went anywhere in the world... London was looking REALLY good but I wanted to be w/this family.
2008 was the year of new beginnings. And for me it was the year of faith. But for God new years seems to always be in September... which I get cos that's the new school year! But it was only in September that I started to get serious again. I was done screwing up my life and my relationships. I was done running away from God. I thank my Fairy Tale friend for reminding me that God is good... and His promises are real. And though this year I lost a lot of good people to death, distance and bad decisions. I still saw so much beauty... through weddings, engagements and births. I also had the opportunity to mend a broken relationship.
I love reflecting during the holidays... I'm able to refocus on what I'm doing and make sure I'm on the right track and that I'm exactly where I should be. I also like to see how far I've come... because if I'm not growing then what's the point?!? I want to look back to make sure that I've grown, learnt and matured. That I'm not the same girl I was last year... I'm better... I'm closer to the woman I'm suppose to be.
I feel like I've changed a lot. I'm definitely not the same girl I was in August. My friends fiance said to me that when you move... you grow leaps and bounds. That was some serious truth. I didn't think that in such a short amount of time I could grow and learn so much. But I know that I'm different... even if you don't see it yet.
And because of that I don't know if I'm going to stay in Toronto *gasp*
I realised my motivation for coming here wasn't based on truth.
A friend asked me a few weeks ago if I thought that I was running away. I told her that I thought I was moving on... actually, I realised I am running away. And it followed me here. I'm still depressed. It isn't going to go away with new surroundings. It's very real. And if I keep running from it then I won't ever get rid of it. It's time to face my fears... lay down my pride and just say that I need help.
I also recognized that I don't need a pseudo-father anymore. A spiritual father, yes (you're still good Pdiddy)... and a real father yes... but a pseudo one just isn't necessary when I have God. He's a perfect father... why should I go around seeking anything else. God tells me I'm beautiful and special and important... He tells me I'm worthy and lovely and that He has great plans for me. I am fulfilled. So now I can love my real father... I need to focus on him and loving him. Because I'm good. I need to stop looking for someone else to satisfy me in ways only God can.
I also noticed that I don't view success the same way. My sister-in-law is probably saying FINALLY ;) But I don't need a 2-door garage in my cottage house w/my 7 bathrooms and 9 tv's! I don't need an amazingly great job that gets me bank. Yes, I do want an island in my kitchen and I want my bedroom to be connected to a walk-in closet thats connected to a master bathroom... but honestly! If I don't have real relationship does any of that matter? If I don't have love does it matter how much money I make? Can I take it with me? And YES, I do need to make money and I do need to pay off my debt... but that should not be my focus. God can take care of that easily... I need to keep my focus on the things that really matter... and that's relationship and community.
I've also stopped neglecting the value of a church family. I was never into the whole church family. I had my own family, why on earth would I want more people in business telling me what to do?!? But being away from my church, I realised how much I need their love. It truly is a reflection of God's heart... because just like He's working in me... He's working in them too... to learn how to show unconditional love. And yes, I do have amazing people in my life who love me beyond measure... but my church is full of people who do it. And I'm not saying they're perfect... cos we all know none of us are perfect... but I'm happy to know God is working in them. And I miss that love immensely. My pastor told me a few weeks ago to just stop thinking and realise that I am loved... I did.
I've also reaffirmed how much I want a Jesus-loving family... that focuses on community and relationship. I want a husband who will encourage me and pray with me. Who will want to grow and help me grow.... who will train up my sons to protect and love with honor... and tell my daughters they are beautiful, smart princesses who deserve a prince. I want to guide my children to pursue Jesus and relationship.
And of course God has taught me tons about our relationship! I've learnt so much about faith this year... I guess that's what I get for tattooing it my arm. And I'm still learning how to trust God completely... to rest in Him like I trust that my bed won't break when I'm sleeping. I'm still learning to know that my life is in His Hands and that no matter what I do... He'll make sure that His plans and purposes will come to pass. Even if He has to send talking animals or angels... He'll get the job done. I'm learning to except that I'm a rough uncut diamond... that He's trying to smooth out... and He probably won't be finished in this life time but I can trust that I become more and more beautiful everyday. And because of that... I don't wnt to boast about my own accomplishments... I only want to boast about Him. Oh what a joy it would be for people to see His Hand in my life... for those who don't know Him to see how real He is by how far He has brought me. That they will see how much I don't deserve anything that I got but He's so good that He gave it to me anyways. That they will know of Gods love through all that He has done for me... and long to have Him do the same in their life. I want them to know I'm a Jesus-lover without ever saying it...
Obviously, many of these things have been relearnt and reaffirmed. They were told to me before but never took heart. Our learning's are like onions... we peel away a layer and think we got it until another layer is peeled. Each one hurts more... we cry more but by the end it's gone... we got it! And I'm sorry to the people that have been telling me most of these things for years... but thank you for your patience!
So I go into 2009 quite excited... I don't know what it holds... I don't know really know where I'm going but I'm trusting my really Big God that everything will work out just as He wants it to. And if I stay in Toronto, I know that it'll be good. But if I go back to Montreal... I won't think that I wasted my time. I gained so much... and believe that it is a stepping stone to the path that I need to be on.
My favorite verse in the Bible is Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." And I once read that the
Hebrew word for future is like a man rowing a boat... he rows forwad looking at the past w/his back to the future. We can't see where we're going but we can see how far we've come. And we need to trust... that we're going where we should be.
I pray that you recognize all that you've accomplished and learnt in 2008 but continue to move forward with it. Don't stay there... grow, learn... live! And as a friend has said... as well as Obama... now is the time for change! This is the year for change... to make a difference in your life and others. It's also the year of the heart... the year of love. And love is what makes a difference... love is what changes us.
Happy New Year!
