Trying to Keep My Perfect World... Pefect

I absolutely adore where I am in my life. This season couldn't be more exciting. It's a time of preparation and decision-making. I am job-hunting... waiting to see what doors open... trying to see if I want to stay here or move. I have also just started my driving courses this week! I have wanted to take them for so long... and kept putting it off... even though I got my permit in January of 2005. So now I feel a great sense of accomplishment that I finally am. I am also doing a bit of subing at the daycare... but because of back injury... I don't work very often. Freeing up my time to read and meet with close friends. And then of course there is my blog... which I love writing and I love that people are reading it. I pray that people are encouraged and blessed. Writing is something that has always been one of my passions and I am so blessed to be able to share it with others. It's all so exciting. My world feels so perfect!

And then comes a boy...

I hope by now you all get that I love being single. Even though it can be a little difficult at times... and despite my strong desire for a wedding and marriage and to be pregnant... I love being single. And my life is just to perfect to be in any kind of relationship. Boys are just too complicated... too stressing to enter into my perfect little world. Actually love is too overwhelming to keep my world perfect. It makes it chaotic and confusing... I forget everything and lose sight of so much. I just don't want love right now... and as it bombards me I wonder if I will ever want it.

Whoever said it was better to love and lost then to never to have loved at all was a moron. And was obviously just trying to make the person who felt hurt and rejected feel better! I think it's a very sardonic quote! I would be better off having never known love. Unfortunately the English word does not suffice the many different types of love in the world. I speak purely of romantic love... the consuming passionate love. Because I know that I am better person because of the love that I have shared with my family and my close friends. I am truly blessed by this love... but I have yet to see the blessing in this other love. Maybe if I got to marry my first love as so many others that I know... then I would think love is great. But I don't have that luxury.

I have prayed almost unceasingly that this love be removed from me. That I would no longer feel it. But it seems that it only caused it to be more intertwined in my being. I almost don't even feel it because it has become a part of who I am now. So much so that it no longer compells me. I no longer wait for him to return... or pray that he loves me too. I have just accepted it... as I would any other part of myself. I'm very skinny... always laughing and I love him.

But sometimes it surfaces... as it has this week. And I'm pissed! My perfect world has now just been tainted by love. I don't want to love him... I don't want him or anyone else to know I love him... I don't want him or any relatinship right now. I just want to live... focused on God and fulfilling my destiny. I don't want love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.