I love that this morning I said that I haven't cried for awhile so things were looking pretty good! And it didn't take me very long after writing that... probably less than an hour before I was bawling my eyes... big tears and sobs!
I've been job hunting since mid-August... and started responding to job posts since August 22nd. In mid-September, I had an interview for a job that I didn't get. I decided to move myself to Toronto even though I didn't have a job as an act of faith. I wanted to make sure I was serious... I was actually doing this. I'm a big dreamer and often times my plans fall through. So I felt that God was telling me this time to step out... and many people agreed. So here I am, in Brampton... about 40 job applications later give or take... and I've still only had that one interview.
Job hunting makes you feel like you're back in high school... telling the most popular boy in school that you like him only for him to reject you. Only job hunting is worse... it's like telling the most popular boy in school that you like him EVERY SINGLE DAY... and then he rejects you and chooses the most popular girl in school. When you're job hunting you have to wake up every morning and tell yourself... maybe TODAY I'll be the most popular girl in school... maybe today everyone will like me. That they will see that I'm smart and talented and deserve a chance. They'll see that I'm qualified... they'll actually want to call me and meet me! Maybe today is the day. And after 77 days later of hoping that today is your day... and it's NOT... you get a little depressed.
I'm not really sure what exactly triggered my crying-fest. I woke up this morning with the plan of going to a Job Fair in Hamilton. I was going to leave early but then decided to catch a later train. I was dressed in my black pants w/my suspenders and black button up top as I wrote my blog. I can't remember if I checked before or after my blog the price of my trip to Hamilton... it was going to be $30.
Now the thing about not working is that you don't really have any money. I had saved up a bit for this time. Unfortunately it didn't make it as far as I would've liked. So right now I have about $40. And my bills are being paid by each other... it's a vicious circle that I have stupidly concocted. So if I took a 2-hour trip to Hamilton to go to a Job Fair that I wasn't even really sure they would have jobs in my area... I would spend my last bit of money on my trip there and lunch. Well, maybe I could've brought a lunch. But then I would have $10 to last me until... I don't know. It wasn't sounding like a good idea. And to make matters worse, I did a little banking to see how broke I really was! Oh, I'm broke!
As a Christian, I'm suppose to believe a lot of different things. I believe that God is Love. That God is big and in control. I believe that this God of love is in control of my life...and He works things out for good. I believe that God opens doors and closes doors. God is it... He's my people. If something needs to get done... I'd have to go through the Big Man Upstairs.
So here I am: broke of my ass trying to get someone... anyone to like me... and trying to believe in a good God. Well let's just say that my faith is definitely being tried.
Why doesn't God just open the doors??? Why doesn't He find me a job? Does He want me to cry? To be broke? Why is He being soooooooooooo mean to me? Why do other people get great jobs and things fall into place so quickly and easily for them... and here I am struggling? Why doesn't He love me? Or even like me? Oh yeah, well, I don't think I like you too much either.
This is not a good place to me... incase you didn't notice.
I called my mom in Montreal and cried. I called Grace in Italy and cried. I called Eddie in Seattle and cried. I called Joy in Montreal to cry (didn't reach her). I spoke to Elissa and Eloise and cried. My uncle called and made me cry more. My aunt called and I cried. I wrote emails and cried. I read emails and cried. I lied in bed and cried. I sat on the floor and cried. Oh, I cried!
It all kinda comes down to my worth. Do I believe that I am worthy of a good job? Do I believe that I am worthy of being loved? By God and friends and family. Do I believe I am worthy of success? And of course, it comes down to belief as well. Good old Faith.
Being a Christian, God-bashing isn't always so great. It doesn't really leave me feeling like a star... it might actually make me feel worse. So I had to have a little God-time. This is when I put on some good Christian music and sing and write in my journal. This is when I pour out my heart before God and pray that He responds.
And because He is so faithful... He responded.
I had a vision. It's not as creepy as it sounds. It's really just a mental picture or movie. But it's too beautiful to be from my own mind... so it's a vision that God gives me. Here it goes... you're allowed to be freaked out... I'm not offended...
I'm hanging off a cliff. And I'm grasping on to Him with dear life. He's holding my arm though so even if I let go... He's still got me. But the more I stress... the more I slip. I get nervous about slipping... He doesn't. He just keeps telling me to trust Him. He tells me to relax... He's holding me... I don't need to struggle or do any work. But I'm quite nervous anyways. And He keeps telling me to wait. And we stay there... He keeps me on the edge of the cliff... holding on... and He's looking right at me... in my eyes... telling me to keep holding on. And I'm wondering or maybe yelling outloud... frustrated that He can pull me up but He won't. Does He want me to be more scared then I already am? Is He trying to prove to me that He's the boss? I'm so upset! I hate Him. But then... when I think I'm just about to slip out of His grasp... He pulls me up to my feet w/ease. One arm... no effort. And when I look around at the top of this cliff... it's a party! A big celebration. And He looks at me... full of love in His eyes and says, "It wasn't ready yet."
Now I'm crying happier tears. God loves me. He does. He really truly does. And He's good... He's a very good God. And I don't understand Him most of the time but I need to trust that everything He does is out of Love and Wisdom. And yes, circumstances and other people do play a role... but He's working it out. And everything will be ready soon!
And because I love Him... I'll wait for Him. He's worth it!
I am so grateful for my friends and family for their amazing support. For listening to me cry and offering me words of encouragement and prays... and offering me whatever help they can give. I am truly blessed by all of you! I have an amazing support system.
Now I just need to work a little bit on this worth... obviously a topic I am returning to!
"By faith [Kisha], when called to go to a place [she] would later recieve as [her] inheritance, obeyed and went, though [she] did not know where [she] was going. By faith [she] made [her] home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; [she] lived [in basements]....for [she] was looking forward to the city with foundations whose architect and builder is God."
Hebrews 11:8-10 [w/Renata's additions]
* * *
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7
* * *
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks;
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
* * *
Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you.
Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord,
because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
1 Corinthians 15:58
* * *
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,
who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28
* * *
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11
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