Trying to Keep My Perfect World... Pefect

I absolutely adore where I am in my life. This season couldn't be more exciting. It's a time of preparation and decision-making. I am job-hunting... waiting to see what doors open... trying to see if I want to stay here or move. I have also just started my driving courses this week! I have wanted to take them for so long... and kept putting it off... even though I got my permit in January of 2005. So now I feel a great sense of accomplishment that I finally am. I am also doing a bit of subing at the daycare... but because of back injury... I don't work very often. Freeing up my time to read and meet with close friends. And then of course there is my blog... which I love writing and I love that people are reading it. I pray that people are encouraged and blessed. Writing is something that has always been one of my passions and I am so blessed to be able to share it with others. It's all so exciting. My world feels so perfect!

And then comes a boy...

I hope by now you all get that I love being single. Even though it can be a little difficult at times... and despite my strong desire for a wedding and marriage and to be pregnant... I love being single. And my life is just to perfect to be in any kind of relationship. Boys are just too complicated... too stressing to enter into my perfect little world. Actually love is too overwhelming to keep my world perfect. It makes it chaotic and confusing... I forget everything and lose sight of so much. I just don't want love right now... and as it bombards me I wonder if I will ever want it.

Whoever said it was better to love and lost then to never to have loved at all was a moron. And was obviously just trying to make the person who felt hurt and rejected feel better! I think it's a very sardonic quote! I would be better off having never known love. Unfortunately the English word does not suffice the many different types of love in the world. I speak purely of romantic love... the consuming passionate love. Because I know that I am better person because of the love that I have shared with my family and my close friends. I am truly blessed by this love... but I have yet to see the blessing in this other love. Maybe if I got to marry my first love as so many others that I know... then I would think love is great. But I don't have that luxury.

I have prayed almost unceasingly that this love be removed from me. That I would no longer feel it. But it seems that it only caused it to be more intertwined in my being. I almost don't even feel it because it has become a part of who I am now. So much so that it no longer compells me. I no longer wait for him to return... or pray that he loves me too. I have just accepted it... as I would any other part of myself. I'm very skinny... always laughing and I love him.

But sometimes it surfaces... as it has this week. And I'm pissed! My perfect world has now just been tainted by love. I don't want to love him... I don't want him or anyone else to know I love him... I don't want him or any relatinship right now. I just want to live... focused on God and fulfilling my destiny. I don't want love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

A Woman's Worth

Here's another blog for my ladies! Another issue that has been raised in so many of my conversations. And now it's becoming my mantra... I want to get a shirt that says, "Know Your Worth Ladies... Because He Doesn't"!

I guess my thinking on this topic started with my own life. As much as I identify myself as being a smart independent woman... I have made some pretty lousy choices with relationships. Thankfully it's only been a handful of relationships that I have been in. But as great as I thought they were... in hindsight I realise that they really didn't see my worth. They might have thought I was really hot... or that I had a great personality... they might have really wanted to get to know me. But at the end of the day... they didn't know that I was worth so much more. Much more then a one night stand and much more then an uncommitted relationship. That I deserved to have my phone calls returned and my questions answered... I deserved an apology... I deserved to be pissed. And I didn't deserve to be the other girl... or another girl... or a booty call! And I'm not male-bashing... I don't do that. I'm not calling them asses or jerks or dogs! And if I'm casting blame... I need to blame myself for falling before thinking... and for lowering my standards and for putting my beliefs on hold.

I just wish someone had told me... told me that whoever the guy was just didn't know my worth. But instead, someone's always pushing you into him or pushing you away from him. I wouldn't mind some gentle perspective. I hate when they tell you he's just no good... and he just wants one thing. And I hate when they tell you to give him a chance... you never know what will come out of it... you don't have to marry him just date him! Both are sounding equally stupid. He wasn't an ass... I just don't think he should have gotten that chance! Why??? Because he didn't know my worth. He didn't see it... he couldn't see it... because I wasn't the one for him. The one he would always want and miss... the one he would be patient with... the one whose stupidness he could put up with... the one he would be excited to see... the one he would wait for. I wasn't for him so he couldn't see just how much I deserved.

Trust me Ladies, you have a lot of worth! You are precious and special... you are a jewel, a rare diamond... a treasure. Unfortunately... not everyone will see this. But that's okay! Because how much more cherised will you be by the one who sees it. And how much more will YOU admire the one who knows!

And I guess this is why I sit and wait for my husband... even though I have found a prospect. I want him to see my worth. And as a diamond is sought and cherished... so should I. And so should you ;)

Song of Solomon 4:9-10

You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride.

You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes,

with a single jewel of your necklace.

Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride.

Your loves is better than wine, your perfume more fragant than spices.

Hosea 2:19-20

I will make you My wife forever,

showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion.

I will be faithful to you and make you Mine,

and you will finally know Me as the Lord.

Isaiah 43:4

Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you,

I will give [Jesus] in exchange for you, and [Jesus] in exchange for your life.

Another Dedication ;)

I have often struggled with the whole idea of the family of God. I didn't understand why I would need another family... I already had one. And like most families mine is crazy and dysfuntional... but I love my family. I love my family sooooooo much! I wouldn't change any of them if I could. But I am fully aware that they are crazy... but I look beyond all of that and love them anyways. So why would I want another group of dysfunctional people to love. And my experience with the family of God was not only a dysfunctional group of people... it was another group of people telling you what to do! A bunch of people telling how to live your life... but who had serious isssues of their own! It was looking too much like my own family. And since I couldn't get rid of my own family.. I decided to reject this wannabe group!

I would tell myself that the family of God was for people who lacked a sense of belonging. And I thankfully had found mine with my family. No matter what's going on in my life... I know I have my family. I am always going to be a Joseph... that's where I fit. I am the most comfortable and feel the most acceptance when I am with my grandma, my aunts, uncles and my cousins all talking foolishness... making jokes for hours. Even though they can annoy me or piss me off... it doesn't matter! That's where I fit... that's who I was! I didn't need the church to accept me... I was always already accepted.

But tonight I have realised that I am apart of another family. I must thank the Montreal Women's Ministry Network for letting me into their family. I am honored to be apart of such a sisterhood that loves and accepts others so easily. I am so blessed by the group... to have other women to encourage me and pray with me... without judging me or trying to tell me what I am doing wrong. And I feel like I fit... as I share my heart or laugh hysterically... I feel like I belong.

And I'm happy that I don't have to give up part of my own family to belong... but that I can just enjoy both. And I think that this is what God intended... this is what the family of God should look like.

To my sisters at MWMN, thank you for showing me what the Christian family should look like.

Acts 4:32

All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had.

1 Peter 2:17

Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.

John 17:20-26

Jesus Prays for All Believers

"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. "Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. "Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."

N.B. For more infomation on MWMN visit http://mwmn.org