My sister-in-law told me that "The Christian's Secret to a Happy Life" changed her life. Not many books change her life... she laughs at me because EVERY book changes mine. I'm a little impressionable. But words are my food and a book is a freakin buffet. And since all-you-can-eat means nothing to me with food, I might as well get my full of books! So since she said this book changed her life... it would most definitely rock my world! But when I first started reading it, it was a complete bust! I felt like I was reading Shakespeare. She didn't tell me the book was written sometime between the years 1832 and 1911!!! It isn't making any sense so it quickly became a book a rarely pick up to a going on my lovely shelf. I felt like I had achieved great things by even buying a book written so long ago. It went right next to "The Taming of the Shrew".
Getting back from Toronto with the news that I was moving and then finding out that my friend was living out a fairy tale... I felt suddenly excited about... life! Finally! So with this new burst of spirituality, I decided to dust off the copy of "The Christian's Secret to a Happy Life". Really, I didn't have any money to buy a new book and all the books I enjoy re-reading were with my aunt! But I could've borrowed something... but I didn't!
So now it feels like I'm reading it for the first time. I can't remember reading any of the things in it... probably because it's actually making sense! And I love that it was written over a hundred years ago! It makes it so simple... not in language but in logic! I'm not finished it yet but the first few chapters have been pretty world rocking! It's been about my new word... the one tattooed to my arm... Faith.
As I start reading, I realise how I don't really have faith. I mean, I know that this year I lost a lot of it but I don't think I had much to begin with. I wouldn't trust God entirely with... me. I would hold back... not really believing that He could handle me. Or that He knew what He was doing. I thought that He was going to make me into a terrible boring obedient drone... so I had to hold on to my fun and wild side (you can imagine what kind of trouble that got me into). And I think this is because I didn't really believe He loved me. Because if I believed that He loved me as a perfect Father then He would want the best for me. He would want me to live... to have fun and succeed. But He would want to protect me from the bad things. He wouldn't want to see me hurt or injured. And this is God... my perfectly heavenly Father who loves me. It's crazy how often God has to prove His love for me. I've quicker given my all and everything to a man who wasn't even trying to prove anything but that he's a jerk! But God loves me so much that He keeps proving it!!!
So Hannah Whitall Smith, has me making vows that I will trust and believe God. That I will give Him all of me because I can't do it on my own. Me even trying to work out this thing called life has only lead me to heartache and pain... confusion and anguish. So like I intrust a Doctor with my health to make the right perspection... I intrust all of me to a perfect God! Who can make no mistakes... no screw-ups! I trust that He will work out things in my life by His unconditional love and His infinite wisdom!
So now every morning, I present myself to Him, a worthless lump of clay, to be made into anything His love and His wisdom will choose... I trust Him utterly and I trust Him now!
Definitely not as easy as I'd like it to me. But Hannah is still guiding me through it... through my doubts (which I have too many of) and through my temptations and fears!
While I was reading "The Christian's Secret..." I started and just finished reading "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. This book was a pretty popular trend for a bit. Every lady on public transit was toting one... like it was The DaVinci Code. I usually try not to fall into these trends. I still haven't read the DaVinci Code! But my friends kept telling me that I would really like "Eat Pray Love"... that I would feel connected to it. And for me, it's all about being connected to a book. I love finding empathy in a book. I love having someone express my emotions so much more sophisticatedly and so much more comprehendible then I can. So I borrowed it for my weekend trip to Toronto feeling a bit skeptical.
My favorite line in the book was: "Faith is the belief in what you can't see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark."
Amazing!
So here I am, standing in a pitch black tunnel... unable to see either end and hearing way too many voices. I'm scared and confused and pretty lost. But I am learning to believe. To believe that God is holding my hand ever so tightly and not letting go... even though I can't feel Him. I am learning to believe that everything will be okay! I will get out of this tunnel and into the light. I will come out a beautiful flower! I will come out happy and free! I will come out!
We live by faith, not by sight.
2 Corinthians 5:7
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1
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