Happy Birthday!

Tomorrow is the love of my life's birthday.

I've been calling him for his birthday since we met in 2004. Even if I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore... even if he told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore... even if we hadn't spoken in months... he got a birthday call from me. Even though my birthday is just a few months before his and I've got a call only twice in my life from him... I still call.

I remember last year I ws so sure I wasn't. I had just landed in Montreal from London. I was going to be so free of him. I was going to have my thoughts on so many other things that I would completely forget his birthday. No such luck! I called him anyways. I never can forget this stupid date. Or his phone number. Or his license plate number. If only I could remember what I ate for dinner lastnight!

I'm over him. I know I am. I don't want him anymore. He's not the one for me. He's my Mr. Passion. I'm insane with love for him... almost beside myself. He makes me heart skip beats... my stomach flip over... my knees go weak... my palms go sweaty. I can't think or speak. I'm literally consumed with love for him. This isn't a good thing, people! Just for the record... to have a normal relationship... you need to be able to speak! It really REALLY helps!

Liz dealt with this in "Eat Love Pray". We completely empathized with each other. Insane love... that makes you lose your mind. But the relationship is just bad. You make each other miserable. You're not happy with them but try to convince yourself you are because you're so in love. You hate to love them and love to hate them.

Liz faced many decisions that I often faced. Do I give it all up... my dreams and happiness and sanity for him? Do I choose to be with him even though I know it'll make me miserable? Which feeling is worse? Being with them or being without them???

But like Liz, I chose to say no! I choose me!

Unfortunately, unlike her, I never actually told him. So our relationship is always a door left slightly ajar!

I don't know if relationship is the right word. If he read this he might be upset. We were never actually an item. We were... friends. Who talked or saw each other almost everyday! He was my first, though, for so many things. But I was never special enough... or worthy enough to be anything to him while he was everything to me.

I don't regret any of it though. I have repented of a lot of it before God... but I know that everything that has happened has helped shape me into the person I am today. And I know that I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for him. He was there for me when I needed him and taught me so much about myself.

So all this to say... tomorrow is his birthday and I think I might just lose my mind. Will I call? Will I not? If I do call does it say that I'm not over you? If I don't call does that mean we can never be friends? Can we even be friends? Even if I don't want romantic relationship, does that mean I want to close the door on any kind of relationship?

You might be thinking to yourself... Kisha, you are so not over this guy! But trust me, I am.

But some things a girl can never forget...