Daddy's Little Girl

Since my last blog, my world took another flip. This little roller coaster called life is really starting to piss me off. Just when I think things are good... that's when I'm reminded that they aren't.

On October 2nd, my mom called me crying with bad news. Her best friend died of a heartattack. We got the phone call late actually. He had died on Sunday in Trinidad.

I had always wondered what it would feel like to lose someone really close to me. I was in grade 5 when my stepfather passed away from Sickle Cell Anemia. And I was in grade 7 when my great-grandmother passed away. Both were very shocking and very difficult. But being older, I wonder how I would react to death. Well, now I know... and its pretty scary.

I felt like I would lose my mind as it tried to grasp the whole idea. Chad was gone. He wouldn't call me anymore. We couldn't hang out. We couldn't plan vacations or business ventures. We wouldn't fight with each other. We wouldn't laugh together. It was over. He was gone. I pulled at my hair, I covered my face, I rolled around on the floor, screaming and crying. I kept calling his cellphone over and over waiting for him to answer. He didn't.

Chad was an amazing man. My mom and him had been friends for over a decade. When I was little and I would answer the phone when he called... he would always chat with me. None of my mom's other friends did that. Not even her boyfriend's cared to ask how my day was. And then soon I started telling him he was a pseudo dad. At first he didn't understand. And I would keep having to explain that it was just because he cared about me... which was more then I could say about others! And then finally he accepted it. When I got older we started becoming friends ourself. We chatted on our own and hung a bit. He would offer advice and support whenever I needed it. He would encourage me to follow my dreams and live life! Toward the last few years of his life... he needed me too. I was there for him as best as I could be.

I think I'm still in denial. I'm still waiting for him to call... for him to tell me I'm stupid for wasting tears on him. And I don't care what you say, I love living in denial. It's like a big mug of hot chocolate on a cold night. It keeps me warm and safe.

My parents got a divorce when I was little. They were both really young when they became parents and got married. They both had really tough lives and needed to find themselves. But since we grew up with my mom we didn't really get to know my dad. I love my dad very much. But over the years, our relationship has diminished a bit. But I've always been a princess! Which causes me to have the "daddy's-little-girl" syndrome. I have a big void that needs to be filled my a "dad". I just want a dad who loves me. Who wants the best for me. A dad who tells me I'm beautiful and I'm intelligent. A dad who tells me that any guy would be lucky to have me. A dad who protects me from the jerks and shows me how a real man should treat me. A dad who has dreams for me. A dad whose princess I can be.

And I thank God for bringing a few men into my life that can fill this void. My stepfather, my mom's best friend, my pastor and my uncle. I guess I only have two left. A nice reminded not to take them for granted!

Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds his name is the LORD— and rejoice before him. A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

Psalm 68:4-6