Nothing Special

I've been wanting to write about this topic for so long. Since one of my heart-to-heart conversations with one of my girls in the car... that's where we have our heart-to-hearts. I miss having a car! But that's besides the point! So I kept wondering how I could bring this topic up... and I thought that I just would. Surprisingly en tough, life brought it up.

My past is ugly.

I guess other people might have an uglier past. But I'm not into comparing... at least not when I want to wallow! Though even if someone's is worse then mine... I hate my past. I spend a lot of time trying to run from it. I've blocked out a lot of it... and live in denial about most of it. Part of my moving out of Montreal had to do with leaving my past. Unfortunately, I don't know how well that worked.

My past is ugly for various reasons. Most of them having to do with bad decisions and stinky people. I've made a lot of mistakes... chosen a lot of crappy friends... and dated a lot of loser guys. I try not to live with regret (because "they" say you shouldn't) so I see what I've learned from my mistakes. Unfortunately somethings it took my longer to learn... or I may not even have caught on to some of the learning's yet actually. But I'm hoping I did.

I'm presently in Montreal now. When I got in, for reasons you're not ready to hear about (yeah that's right... YOU are not ready for it) I had to contact a few people from my past.

I would love to call them ex-boyfriends. But that they were not. They were... "friends". I think that's what they call themselves... I wonder if they call me something so wonderful. I doubt it.

I just want to be loved.

How cheesey is that?!? Well, it actually is only cheesey to say but we all feel that way. Everyone wants to be loved... or at least liked. And sometimes the real love you do have doesn't feel like enough. I have been known to look for love in all the wrong places... with the wrong people. From those who can give something that might look like a form of love at the moment... but that leaves you feeling more empty then when you woke up that morning. And you were sure you couldn't have felt any worse then you already did. Surprise! You always can feel worse!

Some of these "friends" are still acquaintances now. They are my facebook friends... and we wish each other Happy Birthday... or I wish them Happy Birthday. Two of them are even my msn friends... so every few months we'll have a nice little chat. Most of them I never see! And I think if we did... he wouldn't even say hello to me. He might just nodd or just look the other way.

And that's because I'm nothing special.

I'm not that girl. I'm not one that you actually date... or the one that you really like. I'm not the one you keep texting or calling. I'm not the one you take out to dinner. I'm not the one you tell your friends about. I'm not the one you remember. I'm just another girl... in the long list of girls. I'm rather unmemorable. I'm nothing special.

I try to be memorable. I'll buy you a teddy bear and leave it in your room. Or I'll make you a lasagna and deliver it to you at the library. I'll buy you a souvenir when I'm on vacation. I'll make time for you even when I don't have any. I'll bend over backwards for you even if I don't have to. I enjoy making them feel special... even if I'm not.

Because I just want to be loved.

I just want to feel loved.

I want to feel like I matter... like I'm important... like I'm valued. I want to be special enough that you'll make an effort. I want to be special enough that you'll keep calling. I want to be special enough that you'll forgive me. I want to be special enough that you'll still want to be with me even though I'm emotional and illogical... even though I make a zillion mistakes.

Upon coming back to Montreal, I was reminded of my ugly past... and how I'm nothing special. I'm reminded that I'm not even worth having my calls returned. I'm not even worth asking if I'm okay. I'm not even worth your time.

I'm happy I'm starting over. Moving away, I have a clean slate. I get to see if I've learned from mistakes... and maybe I'll actually find someone who loves me.

"God told them, 'I've never quit loving you and never will.

Expect love, love, and more love!

An so now I'll start over with you and build you up again....

Jeremiah 31:3-4

"And now, here's what I'm going to do:

I'm going to start all over again.

I'm taking her back out into the wilderness

where we had our first date, and I'll court her.

I'll give her bouquets of roses.

I'll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope...

I'll say to Nobody, 'You're my dear Somebody,'..."

Hosea 2:14,15 & 23