Hanging on a Cliff

You are all very priviledged people to be let in on the psyche of me! It's quite a crazy place. My life is a continuous struggle and fight to stay on track! And though things may at one moment seem positive... things can come crashing down really quickly. And for me, it doesn't take much. I'm pretty emotional... so switching back and forth from laughing and crying... is quite quick. So don't blink... or you just might miss the switch!

I love that this morning I said that I haven't cried for awhile so things were looking pretty good! And it didn't take me very long after writing that... probably less than an hour before I was bawling my eyes... big tears and sobs!

I've been job hunting since mid-August... and started responding to job posts since August 22nd. In mid-September, I had an interview for a job that I didn't get. I decided to move myself to Toronto even though I didn't have a job as an act of faith. I wanted to make sure I was serious... I was actually doing this. I'm a big dreamer and often times my plans fall through. So I felt that God was telling me this time to step out... and many people agreed. So here I am, in Brampton... about 40 job applications later give or take... and I've still only had that one interview.

Job hunting makes you feel like you're back in high school... telling the most popular boy in school that you like him only for him to reject you. Only job hunting is worse... it's like telling the most popular boy in school that you like him EVERY SINGLE DAY... and then he rejects you and chooses the most popular girl in school. When you're job hunting you have to wake up every morning and tell yourself... maybe TODAY I'll be the most popular girl in school... maybe today everyone will like me. That they will see that I'm smart and talented and deserve a chance. They'll see that I'm qualified... they'll actually want to call me and meet me! Maybe today is the day. And after 77 days later of hoping that today is your day... and it's NOT... you get a little depressed.

I'm not really sure what exactly triggered my crying-fest. I woke up this morning with the plan of going to a Job Fair in Hamilton. I was going to leave early but then decided to catch a later train. I was dressed in my black pants w/my suspenders and black button up top as I wrote my blog. I can't remember if I checked before or after my blog the price of my trip to Hamilton... it was going to be $30.

Now the thing about not working is that you don't really have any money. I had saved up a bit for this time. Unfortunately it didn't make it as far as I would've liked. So right now I have about $40. And my bills are being paid by each other... it's a vicious circle that I have stupidly concocted. So if I took a 2-hour trip to Hamilton to go to a Job Fair that I wasn't even really sure they would have jobs in my area... I would spend my last bit of money on my trip there and lunch. Well, maybe I could've brought a lunch. But then I would have $10 to last me until... I don't know. It wasn't sounding like a good idea. And to make matters worse, I did a little banking to see how broke I really was! Oh, I'm broke!

As a Christian, I'm suppose to believe a lot of different things. I believe that God is Love. That God is big and in control. I believe that this God of love is in control of my life...and He works things out for good. I believe that God opens doors and closes doors. God is it... He's my people. If something needs to get done... I'd have to go through the Big Man Upstairs.

So here I am: broke of my ass trying to get someone... anyone to like me... and trying to believe in a good God. Well let's just say that my faith is definitely being tried.

Why doesn't God just open the doors??? Why doesn't He find me a job? Does He want me to cry? To be broke? Why is He being soooooooooooo mean to me? Why do other people get great jobs and things fall into place so quickly and easily for them... and here I am struggling? Why doesn't He love me? Or even like me? Oh yeah, well, I don't think I like you too much either.

This is not a good place to me... incase you didn't notice.

I called my mom in Montreal and cried. I called Grace in Italy and cried. I called Eddie in Seattle and cried. I called Joy in Montreal to cry (didn't reach her). I spoke to Elissa and Eloise and cried. My uncle called and made me cry more. My aunt called and I cried. I wrote emails and cried. I read emails and cried. I lied in bed and cried. I sat on the floor and cried. Oh, I cried!

It all kinda comes down to my worth. Do I believe that I am worthy of a good job? Do I believe that I am worthy of being loved? By God and friends and family. Do I believe I am worthy of success? And of course, it comes down to belief as well. Good old Faith.

Being a Christian, God-bashing isn't always so great. It doesn't really leave me feeling like a star... it might actually make me feel worse. So I had to have a little God-time. This is when I put on some good Christian music and sing and write in my journal. This is when I pour out my heart before God and pray that He responds.

And because He is so faithful... He responded.

I had a vision. It's not as creepy as it sounds. It's really just a mental picture or movie. But it's too beautiful to be from my own mind... so it's a vision that God gives me. Here it goes... you're allowed to be freaked out... I'm not offended...

I'm hanging off a cliff. And I'm grasping on to Him with dear life. He's holding my arm though so even if I let go... He's still got me. But the more I stress... the more I slip. I get nervous about slipping... He doesn't. He just keeps telling me to trust Him. He tells me to relax... He's holding me... I don't need to struggle or do any work. But I'm quite nervous anyways. And He keeps telling me to wait. And we stay there... He keeps me on the edge of the cliff... holding on... and He's looking right at me... in my eyes... telling me to keep holding on. And I'm wondering or maybe yelling outloud... frustrated that He can pull me up but He won't. Does He want me to be more scared then I already am? Is He trying to prove to me that He's the boss? I'm so upset! I hate Him. But then... when I think I'm just about to slip out of His grasp... He pulls me up to my feet w/ease. One arm... no effort. And when I look around at the top of this cliff... it's a party! A big celebration. And He looks at me... full of love in His eyes and says, "It wasn't ready yet."

Now I'm crying happier tears. God loves me. He does. He really truly does. And He's good... He's a very good God. And I don't understand Him most of the time but I need to trust that everything He does is out of Love and Wisdom. And yes, circumstances and other people do play a role... but He's working it out. And everything will be ready soon!

And because I love Him... I'll wait for Him. He's worth it!

I am so grateful for my friends and family for their amazing support. For listening to me cry and offering me words of encouragement and prays... and offering me whatever help they can give. I am truly blessed by all of you! I have an amazing support system.

Now I just need to work a little bit on this worth... obviously a topic I am returning to!

"By faith [Kisha], when called to go to a place [she] would later recieve as [her] inheritance, obeyed and went, though [she] did not know where [she] was going. By faith [she] made [her] home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; [she] lived [in basements]....for [she] was looking forward to the city with foundations whose architect and builder is God."

Hebrews 11:8-10 [w/Renata's additions]

* * *

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything,

by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

* * *

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks;

for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

* * *

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you.

Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord,

because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

1 Corinthians 15:58

* * *

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,

who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

* * *

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

F-Bombs

I've only been away from home for a week?!? OMG! It feels like months! lol.

Thankfully, it has gotten a bit easier. No tears! Which is always a good sign. But I still feel quite alone w/o a room or a drawer... or my immediate family or closest friends.

The past few months in Montreal were pretty exciting for me, and I think that's why this transition is so much harder. I had my brother's car for a month! And I was hanging out with people to say my goodbyes! I was never home. I was at restaurant's, at the movies or just kicking it at someone's house. So now I'm here with no friends and no car! Back to being a loner on the bus.

I am so grateful to my friends though who keep calling and sending me emails. I would be lost without you!

That's my little tribute to some friends! It's actually my desktop background. A nice reminder that I do have friends! Hehehe. All those people in that picture I love tonssssssss :D Some of them I've been friends with forever while others are more recent. But either way they bring some joy to my life! Some of them I'm not as close as I would like to be... but that's okay because I'm going to stalk you forever. I know we will always have some kind of relationship. And obviously there are people missing! And that's because we never took a picture together... or at least not one that I own. So when I see Chantelle, Rouel and Caryn again... we definitely have to take a picture so I can add you to my exciting collage ;)

And of course besides my friends keeping me sane (as they often do)... there's God. He's great! He's always there... 24/7 and always takes me... no matter what I look like or how I feel. Without Him I would definitely be back in Montreal... in my own bed! It is quite hard though... trusting Him... that He knows what He's doing. But one day at a time! Keeping faith... trusting utterly and completey... even though the tunnel is dark and I have no idea where I'm going!

I know my family is reading this saying... what about me! You guys are so needy! lol. My family goes without saying! Though they need me to say it! I love that I can always have a good cry on the phone with my brothers and mom. They too are there when I need them! I thank God for having a family that supports me and believes in me! It more then helps!

So that's my support system... Faith, Family & Friends. There isn't in order though... they all work together simultaneously... God keeps me alive and my family keeps me believing and my friends keep me sane! Hehehe. That's the Kisha Trinity... um... is that sacriligous??? lol.

And with the help of my amazing support system, I have ventured out everyday this week. Not that there is much to do in Brampton when you are broke but the nice weather has been inspiring! I feel so free in my Keds and Tees :D

And I continue to job hunt... which is getting a little depressing... but we'll talk about that later!

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone..."

Genesis 2:18

There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother.

There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.

"For whom am I toiling," he asked, "and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?"

This too is meaningless—a miserable business!
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down, his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! [...]

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:8-12

See you soon!

I'm already homesick! It started lastnight... which would only be my 3rd night. I couldn't believe that I was already homesick. I wanted my bed... my room... my mom... my friends. I wanted to be in my own element where I have my own life.

Since I haven't even been here for a week, this should feel like vacation. But it doesn't. I wouldn't go on vacation when it's cold and everyone else is at work at school.

I already want to go home.

I mean, obviously I'm not going to go. I just got here.

I hate not having somewhere to go where it's just my space. My room isn't ready yet... all my belonging's and clothes are still in boxes. I feel like I'm just passing through but I know I'm not. I feel like I don't really belong. I don't have a room or parents or siblings or friends.

I cried lastnight.

I have been quite emotional lately though. I cried a lot when saying goodbye to people. Obviously I cried when saying bye to my nephew and sister-in-law and my brothers. I made my goodbyes w/my other family really short and fast to avoid my tears. I cried when I said goodbye to my pastor's and my church... actually I more sobbed hysterically. I cried when I said goodbye to friends...

To make myself feel better I decided that there weren`t goodbyes. It was more of a 'see you later' or 'see you soon'. I often try to trick my brain. I love denial!

But now, here I am, living in Brampton... wondering if I can really do this.

Not with a few more nights of tears.