Daddy's Little Girl

Since my last blog, my world took another flip. This little roller coaster called life is really starting to piss me off. Just when I think things are good... that's when I'm reminded that they aren't.

On October 2nd, my mom called me crying with bad news. Her best friend died of a heartattack. We got the phone call late actually. He had died on Sunday in Trinidad.

I had always wondered what it would feel like to lose someone really close to me. I was in grade 5 when my stepfather passed away from Sickle Cell Anemia. And I was in grade 7 when my great-grandmother passed away. Both were very shocking and very difficult. But being older, I wonder how I would react to death. Well, now I know... and its pretty scary.

I felt like I would lose my mind as it tried to grasp the whole idea. Chad was gone. He wouldn't call me anymore. We couldn't hang out. We couldn't plan vacations or business ventures. We wouldn't fight with each other. We wouldn't laugh together. It was over. He was gone. I pulled at my hair, I covered my face, I rolled around on the floor, screaming and crying. I kept calling his cellphone over and over waiting for him to answer. He didn't.

Chad was an amazing man. My mom and him had been friends for over a decade. When I was little and I would answer the phone when he called... he would always chat with me. None of my mom's other friends did that. Not even her boyfriend's cared to ask how my day was. And then soon I started telling him he was a pseudo dad. At first he didn't understand. And I would keep having to explain that it was just because he cared about me... which was more then I could say about others! And then finally he accepted it. When I got older we started becoming friends ourself. We chatted on our own and hung a bit. He would offer advice and support whenever I needed it. He would encourage me to follow my dreams and live life! Toward the last few years of his life... he needed me too. I was there for him as best as I could be.

I think I'm still in denial. I'm still waiting for him to call... for him to tell me I'm stupid for wasting tears on him. And I don't care what you say, I love living in denial. It's like a big mug of hot chocolate on a cold night. It keeps me warm and safe.

My parents got a divorce when I was little. They were both really young when they became parents and got married. They both had really tough lives and needed to find themselves. But since we grew up with my mom we didn't really get to know my dad. I love my dad very much. But over the years, our relationship has diminished a bit. But I've always been a princess! Which causes me to have the "daddy's-little-girl" syndrome. I have a big void that needs to be filled my a "dad". I just want a dad who loves me. Who wants the best for me. A dad who tells me I'm beautiful and I'm intelligent. A dad who tells me that any guy would be lucky to have me. A dad who protects me from the jerks and shows me how a real man should treat me. A dad who has dreams for me. A dad whose princess I can be.

And I thank God for bringing a few men into my life that can fill this void. My stepfather, my mom's best friend, my pastor and my uncle. I guess I only have two left. A nice reminded not to take them for granted!

Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds his name is the LORD— and rejoice before him. A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

Psalm 68:4-6

Happy Birthday!

Tomorrow is the love of my life's birthday.

I've been calling him for his birthday since we met in 2004. Even if I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore... even if he told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore... even if we hadn't spoken in months... he got a birthday call from me. Even though my birthday is just a few months before his and I've got a call only twice in my life from him... I still call.

I remember last year I ws so sure I wasn't. I had just landed in Montreal from London. I was going to be so free of him. I was going to have my thoughts on so many other things that I would completely forget his birthday. No such luck! I called him anyways. I never can forget this stupid date. Or his phone number. Or his license plate number. If only I could remember what I ate for dinner lastnight!

I'm over him. I know I am. I don't want him anymore. He's not the one for me. He's my Mr. Passion. I'm insane with love for him... almost beside myself. He makes me heart skip beats... my stomach flip over... my knees go weak... my palms go sweaty. I can't think or speak. I'm literally consumed with love for him. This isn't a good thing, people! Just for the record... to have a normal relationship... you need to be able to speak! It really REALLY helps!

Liz dealt with this in "Eat Love Pray". We completely empathized with each other. Insane love... that makes you lose your mind. But the relationship is just bad. You make each other miserable. You're not happy with them but try to convince yourself you are because you're so in love. You hate to love them and love to hate them.

Liz faced many decisions that I often faced. Do I give it all up... my dreams and happiness and sanity for him? Do I choose to be with him even though I know it'll make me miserable? Which feeling is worse? Being with them or being without them???

But like Liz, I chose to say no! I choose me!

Unfortunately, unlike her, I never actually told him. So our relationship is always a door left slightly ajar!

I don't know if relationship is the right word. If he read this he might be upset. We were never actually an item. We were... friends. Who talked or saw each other almost everyday! He was my first, though, for so many things. But I was never special enough... or worthy enough to be anything to him while he was everything to me.

I don't regret any of it though. I have repented of a lot of it before God... but I know that everything that has happened has helped shape me into the person I am today. And I know that I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for him. He was there for me when I needed him and taught me so much about myself.

So all this to say... tomorrow is his birthday and I think I might just lose my mind. Will I call? Will I not? If I do call does it say that I'm not over you? If I don't call does that mean we can never be friends? Can we even be friends? Even if I don't want romantic relationship, does that mean I want to close the door on any kind of relationship?

You might be thinking to yourself... Kisha, you are so not over this guy! But trust me, I am.

But some things a girl can never forget...

Unveiling of Secrets

Most of my revelations are inspired by a book. I'm always reading a book whether it be frantically or leisurely. The difference being that one I can't put down and the other I rarely seem to pick up. But since I'm not working, I'm going through books like it's going to get me into heaven.

My sister-in-law told me that "The Christian's Secret to a Happy Life" changed her life. Not many books change her life... she laughs at me because EVERY book changes mine. I'm a little impressionable. But words are my food and a book is a freakin buffet. And since all-you-can-eat means nothing to me with food, I might as well get my full of books! So since she said this book changed her life... it would most definitely rock my world! But when I first started reading it, it was a complete bust! I felt like I was reading Shakespeare. She didn't tell me the book was written sometime between the years 1832 and 1911!!! It isn't making any sense so it quickly became a book a rarely pick up to a going on my lovely shelf. I felt like I had achieved great things by even buying a book written so long ago. It went right next to "The Taming of the Shrew".

Getting back from Toronto with the news that I was moving and then finding out that my friend was living out a fairy tale... I felt suddenly excited about... life! Finally! So with this new burst of spirituality, I decided to dust off the copy of "The Christian's Secret to a Happy Life". Really, I didn't have any money to buy a new book and all the books I enjoy re-reading were with my aunt! But I could've borrowed something... but I didn't!

So now it feels like I'm reading it for the first time. I can't remember reading any of the things in it... probably because it's actually making sense! And I love that it was written over a hundred years ago! It makes it so simple... not in language but in logic! I'm not finished it yet but the first few chapters have been pretty world rocking! It's been about my new word... the one tattooed to my arm... Faith.

As I start reading, I realise how I don't really have faith. I mean, I know that this year I lost a lot of it but I don't think I had much to begin with. I wouldn't trust God entirely with... me. I would hold back... not really believing that He could handle me. Or that He knew what He was doing. I thought that He was going to make me into a terrible boring obedient drone... so I had to hold on to my fun and wild side (you can imagine what kind of trouble that got me into). And I think this is because I didn't really believe He loved me. Because if I believed that He loved me as a perfect Father then He would want the best for me. He would want me to live... to have fun and succeed. But He would want to protect me from the bad things. He wouldn't want to see me hurt or injured. And this is God... my perfectly heavenly Father who loves me. It's crazy how often God has to prove His love for me. I've quicker given my all and everything to a man who wasn't even trying to prove anything but that he's a jerk! But God loves me so much that He keeps proving it!!!

So Hannah Whitall Smith, has me making vows that I will trust and believe God. That I will give Him all of me because I can't do it on my own. Me even trying to work out this thing called life has only lead me to heartache and pain... confusion and anguish. So like I intrust a Doctor with my health to make the right perspection... I intrust all of me to a perfect God! Who can make no mistakes... no screw-ups! I trust that He will work out things in my life by His unconditional love and His infinite wisdom!

So now every morning, I present myself to Him, a worthless lump of clay, to be made into anything His love and His wisdom will choose... I trust Him utterly and I trust Him now!

Definitely not as easy as I'd like it to me. But Hannah is still guiding me through it... through my doubts (which I have too many of) and through my temptations and fears!

While I was reading "The Christian's Secret..." I started and just finished reading "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. This book was a pretty popular trend for a bit. Every lady on public transit was toting one... like it was The DaVinci Code. I usually try not to fall into these trends. I still haven't read the DaVinci Code! But my friends kept telling me that I would really like "Eat Pray Love"... that I would feel connected to it. And for me, it's all about being connected to a book. I love finding empathy in a book. I love having someone express my emotions so much more sophisticatedly and so much more comprehendible then I can. So I borrowed it for my weekend trip to Toronto feeling a bit skeptical.

My favorite line in the book was: "Faith is the belief in what you can't see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark."

Amazing!

So here I am, standing in a pitch black tunnel... unable to see either end and hearing way too many voices. I'm scared and confused and pretty lost. But I am learning to believe. To believe that God is holding my hand ever so tightly and not letting go... even though I can't feel Him. I am learning to believe that everything will be okay! I will get out of this tunnel and into the light. I will come out a beautiful flower! I will come out happy and free! I will come out!

We live by faith, not by sight.

2 Corinthians 5:7

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1