Do Dreams Come True?

Anyone who has ever hung out with me knows that I have been planning my wedding for awhile... as most girls do! I believe that every girl has a dream of what there wedding will look like. But of course they do have change these dreams because... it isn't just their wedding or their budget doesn't permit it. But even knowing all this, I still want my dream wedding!

My best friend had a beautiful wedding.She looked great and the Lord gave her a beautiful day! And her sunset wedding on the beach looked really perfect... APPARENTLY! She was very happy with the way everything turned out. But I wasn't! All I could think about was what we should have done differently! And I'm sure if she thought about it long enough she might find some things too. But everyone just keeps reminding me that it wasn't my wedding! THANK GOD!

But what if I feel the same way about my wedding! What if all I'm thinking about is how many of my dreams didn't come true! Especially considering a lot of people keep telling me that they won't! They tell me that I probably won't get my dream wedding! How depressing!!! So I'm hoping that the more I plan now... the greater chance I have of getting it later! Does it work like that? Proably not, eh! Either way... I'm planning.

Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Basta Pasta!!!

I guess after being in a country other then your own for over 2 weeks... you start to notice all the things you don't like about it. As much as I love Italy and enjoyed my vacation... I would definitely not live in Italy. I know I will be visiting very often in my life just because that's where my best friend lives... but that's about as far as it will go. And really there are only 3 reasons I would not live in Italy. I will share then in order of importance... the last being the most important one.

So the first reason is the 5 hour siesta! That literally drove me insane! After waiting forever to finally get to the stores to shop... they are all closed for lunch. I hated walking around the streets window shopping... because every store had their gate down. Even the bars and restaurants were having siesta! How ridiculous is that?!? Why should the people who work in a restaurant go home for lunch!?! Ridiculous!

The second reason is that there is a lot of chat with no action! People would talk for hours and hours about bonbonnieres or organizing rides... only for nothing to be done! No decisions are made... rather just a lot of confusion! At the end of their 3 hour conversations about a minor detail in life... no one knows what they were even talking about! Every conversation needs a note-taker!

And the real reason I could never live in Italy is the food! I'm sorry Italians... but I just can't do it! I can't eat pasta everyday! By the end of my trip I didn't even want to see pasta! And now that I am home... I REALLY don't want to see pasta! I need rice and chicken... and gravy... and spices! And I also don't eat pork... and that's like the only meat they eat there! It was a big challenge for me to find some chicken! And I know that not everyone has the same dietary needs... but I guess this trip really showed me that I am just a good ole West Indian girl... I need rice and chicken!

The Effects of the 3rd Wheel

I guess I should have been a bit more prepared when it happened. But I wasn't. I forgot that I needed to be extra strong because I was at a weak point. After having been the 3rd wheel and the ugly duckling for over 3 weeks... I was definitely at a weak point. No matter how secure and confident you think you might be... these things can really get to you. And I guess my last week in Italy I also wasn't spending enough time with Jesus... another very big opening for a weak moment! And it happened... I fell into the trap. I fell into the arms of some Italian speaking man.
Now before any of you get all excited... it wasn't like that!

He was the waiter at the resort.. who noticed me! Problem number one! After so long of not being noticed at all... I really enjoyed being noticed. As any girl would! And when he would give me pasta... his 'prego' was so softly spoken! I was flattered! And then my silly friends and I wanted to go out one night while at the resort. And I, being the Italian speaking one of the bunch (obviously my gorgeous soon-to-be-married best friend wasn't with us)... I had to go ask the waiter what was going on in the area! And then he offered to take us out! Where's the harm in that?!? Oh! I knew the harm... and I told one of my friends... don't let me get to close to him... I'm having a weak moment! But she isn't one of those protective friends... and the other girl we were was just trying to get married. The whole situation wasn't looking very good.

But I stayed strong... because well, him and I didn't speak the same language very well... my italian and his english were definitely very minimal. And uh... I would never live in Italy... I had already decided that! So there could be no relationship. But then... he made a fire for us on the beach in the middle of the night. And I had never seen so many stars in the sky before. It was so romantic... any girl would fall into the trap! So I cuddled on the beach in Italy with this Italian guy named Carmen!

I can't say that I regret it! It would have been nice if my first beach bonfire was with... my husband! But it was with Carmen... a man I'll never see again.

I just hate having those weak girly moments! When you fall into a trap just because it looks like a movie... and you think life should be like that. But it really shouldn't! And after being alone with a couple for so long... you start to feel like you're missing something too. And then the opportunity arises for a couple moment! But it's fake... and I'm still trying to decide if it was worth it!

Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Not for the Feminist!

I love being a girl! I truly do think it's great. I always feel like it encompasses freedom. I can wear a skirt or pants... I can have long hair or short hair... I can be a mechanic or work in a daycare... I can cry my eyes out or punch a hole in the wall... I can sit or stand when I pee! Hahaha... okay maybe not stand but I think a squat counts ;) I also get to walk down the street holding my best friends hand even if she is the same gender as me! Oh and of course I get to give birth... or not! Women are great... unless you have to marry one!

Oh how I pity the man that has to marry me because Lord knows that I wouldn't want to! I annoy and frustrate myself... imagine what I would do to that poor man. And yes, I am well aware that men are not so great and wonderful all the time. I know enough that irritate me beyond measure! However, I'd rather marry a man then a woman any day!

Firstly, women cry! And I am sure all the women reading this are thinking what is wrong with that! Which would prove my point... because all the men reading it are so impressed with me for putting it first! Men can't deal with tears... it overwhelms them... and they have no idea what to do with them. They have this idea in their heads that they must fix everything... and tears are just one of those things that have no quick remedy! And there are many girls that just love a good cry! I mean, sometimes the day just calls for a cry... or if you haven't had one in awhile you start to feel like everything is bottling up inside you. Girls cry! I probably cry more often then most.... I think I cry once a week! I feel great... but the men around me really don't!

Secondly, women are crazy! You can deny it as much as you want... but you are crazy! Your thoughts are always running around everywhere... you read into things that aren't there... you make up whole sentences that are supposedly "between the lines"... you analyze every action believing that it somehow says that no one loves you... you can nag all day long... you get all excited over nothing, screaming and yelling when you shouldn't... and my personal favorite! WOMEN NEVER FREAKING SAY WHAT THEY MEAN! I hate that crap! If you are upset about something, don't make up something that has NOTHING to do with what you are upset about! I think I would almost rather you not say anything then make up something. Though a lot of women don't say anything and try to send their secret messages through their eyes! Ridiculous! And then of course... all of qualities are exemplified when you are pmsing or pregnant! Amazing!

I feel horrible writing these things about my own gender... but please note, I deal with the same issues! Though, awareness always is the first step... so when I'm having my girly moments, I like to warn people. I don't know if that really helps but... what else can I do, I'm a girl! But thankfully... men love us! And somehow manage to put up with the tears and the insanity! It's a good thing because I really couldn't!

Proverbs 31:10-12

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

Just call me... the Love Doctor ;)

Having had the opportunity to witness many relationships but not have too many of my own... I have so much insight. I am sure that no one really wants to hear about my insight because they would really wonder what I could possible know about anything I haven't really experienced. But I think in our society we do it all the time... or at least I do. I'm always giving people tips on parallel parking and making curried chicken... all things that I have never acutally done on my own but have had the opportunity to witness many times! And when with other couples... I like to watch what they do so I can be ready for mine. Unfortunately, there are not too many models of what I want around me. Actually, there really is only one... and two in progress.

My role model couples is my uncle and aunt who have been married for 11 years now and have 3 children. They started dating when they were young... like arond 14 years old... maybe she was 12 and he was 15. And they kept going out and then breaking up... until they got married! And I absolutely adore their relationship! They have both just decided that they are going to fight for their relationship to work. So no matter the arguement, fight or how annoyed they get with each other... they decided to stay together... and to make it work!

And this leads me to my first belief about relationships... love is a choice we choose to make every day. I do believe in that 'in love' stuff... all that weak in the knees and butterflies in your stomach crap... but that fades. Sometimes very quickly. But love... to actually love someone you need to decide to do that. It is a commitment you make... that no matter you are going to love them! And this can be pretty difficult! Especially if you're like me and you fall 'in love' with everyone! I always think that I should come with a little note tied to my wrist: WARNING: FALLS IN LOVE EASILY. My love is purely based on... noticing me! And nothing else really matters... I don't care if you're attractive or a killer... if you take the time to talk to me and ask me questions... and you notice things about me... I am pretty much sold. It truly is a very bad quality. But I know that I do it, apparently! And because of that... I rarely am going to go up to someone and tell them that I love them... just because I have butterflies in my stomach! I mean, honestly!!! I am not compatible with most of them and I also have standards... like, I am trying to avoid the killers!

I personally like to have that 'in love' feeling... a lot of people have never experienced... and don't want to. That's sad but HEY! To each their own. However, if you want to love someone... it helps to be compatible. Knowing yourself really makes a difference! And so because I know my strengths and weaknesses, I believe that my Mr. Right would have almost the opposites. But he does need to share the same passions and beliefs I do... like laughter and religion. And these things help you to be able love someone. Because... those are also the things that help you to like someone! Ah yes, you should always like the person you are with! If you wouldn't be friends with them... then you probably shouldn't date them either! A lot of people don't take that into consideration! I personally want him to compliment my personality... and to make me a better me.

So some of you may be thinking that you are on the right track... you know that those 'in love' feelings are not the be all and end all to a relationship... you like the person you are with... they compliment you and help you become a better person. Great! You think you got it made... but there's just one more step! Which for me is the biggest one... because I can easily fall in love with any man that is compatible with me. No problem! But will he be able to be my partner? And when I say partner... I mean in the sense of like a business partner! Just like in marriage, people get all kinds of business partners that they end up not being able to work with for many different reasons... but one of the major one's is different philosophy and vision! And that is lacking in so many relationships. I am looking for someone who wants the same things I want... and do similar things to what I want to do... and get there in a similar way! Yes, there is always room for change and for restructuring... but at the end of the day, you need to be going the same place. And not just to have children and a clean house... you need to share a purpose. And a lot of people don't even have a purpose for their own life... but you really should, especially if you are in a serious committed relationship. And once you share that... loving that person on a daily basis will be so much easier.

I do know many couples though that probably can tick off all these points for their relationship but they are still lacking something. And that is often themselves. If you don't have your own identity and purpose... if you don't know yourself... then you don't really have too much to offer someone else. I have seen so many people who just stand next to their significant other and say nothing but "I love them"... so no matter how foolish they get or no matter how much they hurt you or no matter how annoyed or fed up you are... you do nothing! You try to avoid arguements and fighting... and try to keep the peace as best as possible. And all because you aren't secure in you!!! You have no idea what you want! I just want to give those people a good shake to wake them up! And sometimes I do... lol.

I guess that's probably the main things that I have learned from watching other people's relationships... the mistakes I see people make pretty often. And I guess we have all been there. But trust me, it really helps when you learn from your mistakes ;)

Genesis 2:24

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

A Redeemed Prostitute

Today makes 2 weeks since I left Montreal... and I still have 3 more weeks to go! This is my breaking point... my longest time away from my bedroom is 2 weeks... so now I guess we will see what happens. But honestly... I have been so blessed by this vacation. It definitely has its ups and downs but I am really enjoying this time away from home. Mostly because I get to spend a lot of time with the Love of my life... Jesus :D I make sure to spend sometime with Him when I wake up each morning and before I fall asleep every night. And not having any plans of my own for the day... I get to spend a lot of time thinking about Him... and when the tricycle and bubbles become too overwhelming... I talk to Him. It's great! And because of that our relationship has been developing a lot more!

Prior to coming to Italy... to describe my relationship with Jesus was to say I was the prostitute He loved and had to forgive over and over and over and OVER again! I felt very connected to the prostitute in the book of Hosea. God told the prophet Hosea to go and marry a prostitute. That poor man... can you imagine how he felt! All trying to serve God and do what's right. He was probably a virgin... waiting for the perfect bride who could make him breakfast and clean the house while he tended to like sheep or something! But then God says marry the hooker on the street corner... who has opened her legs to everyone and their father! GREAT! PERFECT! Just the woman Hosea was waiting for! I am sure he was crushed... and fought with God on the subject for a very long time. But Hosea was a good man and he married her. But you know what they say about prostitutes... they never make very good wives... she left Hosea and kept going back to the street corner... even though they had kids together... even though he gave her expensive clothes and jewellery... even though Hosea was completely and utterly in love with her... even though she had everything she needed... she left him and went back to being a prostitute! And yes, this story is in the Bible... but this is the Kisha-parapharsed version! lol. So yeah this girl kept leaving Hosea and God would keep telling Hosea to go back and bring her home. I'm sure he loved that idea... he must have looked really smart to that small village he lived in. Everyone would have known he married a hooker... and she left him! The poor man's ego was shattered! I am not too sure the Bible really finishes that story. I have no idea if the girl began to understand that her husband loved her and that she needed to stay home. I don't know if she ever realised that she deserved to be loved... and deserved to be more than just a sexual object. But I do know that I have often felt like her.

During my life as a Christian, I left God's side so many times. I would always find myself doing the things He told me not to... and then pray that I wouldn't get caught!!! Can you imagine?!?! And then after... when I would find out that it just left me more hurt and wounded then before... I would come crawling back to Him. And He would always take me back... He would always forgive me... and find some new way to bless me! And I would just keep running away... and He would keep taking me back! And this went on from like 1998 to July 2007! You would think He would get fed up of forgiving me... or fed up of me repeating the same mistakes! You would think He would yell at me for not listening to what He said... or want to lock me in my room for the rest of my life.

Fortunately, He didn't do any of that... rather He lavished me with His Love. He is always there for me when I need Him... no matter what kind of state I am in... He still loves me. & I am never too much for Him... never too needy, too cranky. Even if I'm PMSing... crying over nothing... pissed off about everything... I can still go to God. I can still pray, worship, read my Bible and listen to God. He doesn't mind at all. His Love is unconditional and His mercies are new every morning! How great is that?!?!

So now that I am here in Italy... I am beginning to no longer see myself as the prostitute. I am starting to see myself as something more. My days of running away and returning to my stupid mistakes are over. Now I can truly say that I belong to Him :)

John 3:16

For God so loved the world, that He gave...

Hosea 2:19-2

I will betroth you to Me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD.

Luke 7:47

Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.

My Happily Ever After

Here I am in Italy, living with my best friend and her fiancee... being apart of all their very last minute wedding preparations... so of course, I am reminded on a daily basis that I am single!

Nobody likes to be reminded that they are single... because well, we know we are! We truly don't need the rest of the world rubbing our singleness in our faces... or the best is... asking us why we are single! Well, if I knew... I probably wouldn't be single... stupid! And I'm sure everyone has the best intentions at heart! But when you go out for dinner with two other couples and the waiter asks how the bills are being divided and you are the only one on your bill... you feel a little crappy! Or when you go alone to a wedding and the photographer comes around saying that she is taking pictures of all the couples... and then says that you can take your picture alone! These are the moments that nobody enjoys! And for some reason your no-longer-single friends always forget what it is like to be single... so they say a bunch of cliché things to you! Nothing good!

But I must tell you... I absolutely adore being single. I feel like it is such a precious gift from God. I get to experience so much freedom. I don't have yet another set of expectations to live up to... another personality that I need to try to mesh with... another person to try to explain things to... another person to try not to offend... another person to dissappoint me... another person to fight with... the list can go on and on!!!

I know most of you are thinking that I'm just talking smack... and you know the truth! You know that I talk about my future husband all the time! And that I have planned out my whole wedding... and named all six of my future children!!! And this is all true! I do desire for my family, house and white picket fence... HOWEVER! I refuse to let that dream stop be from living out this life!

I have met tons of women who are waiting for the Mr. Right or their husband. Majority of these women are not happy... they look like they are missing something... they talk about how they are missing something. They tell you how much better their life would be if Mr. Right were right here! Then they can lead a full and complete life! But there are the handful of women who are truly happy... living each day of their singleness to the fullest. That is who I want to be!

I went to a women's conference April that just passed... and the guest speaker was a woman who had felt God called her to be single for the rest of her life. Now she is over 50 years old... and loving life! What a blessing her life is! What a testimony to so many women out there... its okay ladies! We can be happy without a man in our lives... great if he does come but please... don't sit around waiting. Don't live each day waiting for some man... when life is still happening around you!

I don't believe God has called me to be single! But He knows just how happy I would be if He did... to be able to live my life completely for Him... to go wherever He told me to without having to think about my husband and children... to do whatever He required of me! Life would be so much fun! & not that I can't do what God asks of me with a family... but with them there are so many more factors to consider! And that's okay... because with them I will have so many new joys in life!

So despite planning my whole wedding and hating when people remind that I am single... I am very much so enjoying this single life of mine! And I don't need to wait for my prince charming... because Jesus is already my Prince and King and everything else I need! But don't worry... I'll let you know He brings me my mortal prince ;)

1 Corinthians 7:32-34

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.

Hosea 2:16

"In that day," declares the LORD, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.

John 10:10

...I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

N.B. The speaker from the conference, Skip McDonald, wrote a book called 'And She lived Happily Ever After'... read it! Its great!

The Ugly Duckling

Have you ever had the opportunity to have a friend who was really gorgeous? I mean, not just good-looking... but stop people dead in their tracks kind of gorgeous?!? Well, for some reason I have! lol. My best friend happens to be gorgeous. Some say she is like a cross between Alicia Keys and Jada Pinkett... she's got light-skin, full lips and a big ole backside (hahaha! and she's gonna kill me for writing this). All this to say that she is very good-looking. But Lord knows that it does annoy me! I mean, can we ever go ANYWHERE without someone mentioning it! If it isn't some man on the street... it's some lady in the store! And if it isn't bad enough that the strangers mention it... but so do the people you know! "Oh wow! Your friend is very good-looking!" Blah, blah, blah!

Now I know what you're thinking! Well, at least I'm going to make an assumption about what you're thinking! You think that I am... jealous! Well let me tell you are I am so far from jealous... well, maybe not that far! Lol! No, but seriously... jealousy isn't one of my struggles! I would never want to be soooooooooooooooo good-looking that I can't get from point A to point B without someone needing to stop me! I spend most of my time in a big rush... no time to stop and chat about beauty! And, shockingly enough, I don't REALLY like to talk to people! I'd just rather carry on with my shopping or my day without the interaction with the people I have nothing to say to!

But I must say... that the more I walk around with this pre-Hollywood Halle Berry... I start to feel a little insecure! I have to start to ask myself... is she really that exceptionally beautiful or does everyone get stopped this often besides me!?! And I start to feel a little embarassed when people tell her that she is beautiful and then their eye wanders to me... and then they just decide to look away! Hahaha! Almost as though they wonder why such a gorgeous girl would want to hang out with me?!?! And lately, I find myself trying to find something exciting to do to myself to look exceptionally great... hoping that I might not always look like the ugly friend. And thus far I haven't been too successful in finding anything!

This just happens to be another reality in my life... like the bubbles... that I must face! But I do know that beauty isn't everything and doesn't last forever! And I also know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder! Oh! and beauty comes from within! But sometimes I wonder if all these sayings started by the gorgeous people in the world trying to make thier not-so good-looking friend feel better! Hahaha!

Honestly though, I don't want you to think that I think that I am ugly... or that my best friend is horrible. Neither are true... she's great... and I feel great! hahaha. In the past I can definitely say that I struggled with self-esteem issues... and it was a long journey but I can say that I have overcome! I am genuinely secure in myself... and I can only thank God for that. His Love has given me the freedom to love me. Now I just need to remember this when I am shopping with my best friend ;)

Proverbs 31:30

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Forget the Tricycle... I want a Bike!!!

There are very few things that people can say to me that will get me extremely pissed off. But if I were to name one of the top things... it would have to be "You're in a Bubble"!!!

Now to my dismay, I have heard this more then enough times. It all started with my best friend and I. When we are together we have so much fun! We can laugh & laugh & LAUGH forever! There is always something funny. But the thing about our jokes is that they are very rarely inside... they are usually all in the moment. So if you're quick and paying attention... you'll end up laughing too. & if not with us... at least you will want to laugh at us! Unfortunately, the people who we were often around were not interested in laughing. So they would always say that we were in a bubble. And I always interpret that as... I am purposely leaving other people out of my world of laughter! But people who think that they are funny... would never want to do that. We need other people to be funny! & I can't just be funny to one person... where is the credibility in that!?!? I could never purposely leave people out! But that's what they said... her and I were in a bubble! But we never got how we created this bubble... so we just decided that it was them and not us! Isn't that mature?!?!

And most recently, on my trip to Belize... I was once again told that I was in a bubble. I and one of the other people on the trip happened to share the same sense of humor... which was to laugh at everything! We made joke about things around us, we made jokes about people around us... we even made up jokes!!! It was great... apparently though just for us! Not too many other people where laughing. And so of course... we were in a bubble! And during the conversation about being in a bubble... which of course happened after the trip... I was ridiculously upset. I didn't undertand anything... I needed solid examples. Thankfully they were able to give me these examples... only for me to find out that it wasn't me and it was them!!! I was right all along! Instead of just laughing, they over-analyzed my jokes trying to find the deeper meaning or underlining message! Instead of just asking me... to which they would have found out that there was no secret! And the reason they over-analyzed is because they felt left out... because they excluded themselves!!! Of course... no one likes to hear that they are really the issue. Especially when they are trying so hard to blame you! So they asked me, "Kisha, when is a time when you felt left out?" To which I replied, "Well, when people are making out or speaking a foreign language or talking about something I know absolutely nothing about!" And to which they replied, "Ah!" Because it made sense!

I hope as you were reading the things that cause me to feel left out, you would realize that they are all situations that I would find myself in RIGHT NOW! I am in Italy spending all my time with my best friend and her fiancee! I practically have third wheel tattooed on my forehead! This a very lousy place to find yourself. I have not created a bubble like people do with me... there actually is... a bubble!

& I know that so many of you can relate to this situation. Whether you are single or not... there are times when you are out of the bubble or the 3rd wheel! You are completely out of what is going on and any poor attempt at trying to be in would just depress you even more! Where do you look when the only two people you are with start whispering intimate nothings into each other's ears and getting all cuddly? What do you think about when everyone around you is speaking in a language that you can't seem to catch? How can you add yourself into a conversation that you have no idea what it is about? And please note this is not culture shock... this is about bubbles!

Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do about these bubbles! And I don't blame anyone for them, it is just the reality of the world we live in. Sometimes you just happen to be on a tricycle... and I guess that's okay! I am surviving! & of course I am so thankful for Jesus... because I can always talk to Him in these situations!!! It helps! But I must be honest with you... I am sick and tired of being on tricycles and I can't wait to get my bike!

Deuteronomy 31:8

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."