The Artform

I made another blog! It's become an addiction! hehehe. You can check out the link in the left-hand menu... it's called The Artform! Before I was a journaler, I was a poet... so it's going to be an anthology of my writings since I started writing... in 1999! But I'm only putting up the most meaningful one's from the past :) And then I will start to write new one's!

Enjoy ;-)

http://kishaj-anthology.blogspot.com

Trying to Keep My Perfect World... Pefect

I absolutely adore where I am in my life. This season couldn't be more exciting. It's a time of preparation and decision-making. I am job-hunting... waiting to see what doors open... trying to see if I want to stay here or move. I have also just started my driving courses this week! I have wanted to take them for so long... and kept putting it off... even though I got my permit in January of 2005. So now I feel a great sense of accomplishment that I finally am. I am also doing a bit of subing at the daycare... but because of back injury... I don't work very often. Freeing up my time to read and meet with close friends. And then of course there is my blog... which I love writing and I love that people are reading it. I pray that people are encouraged and blessed. Writing is something that has always been one of my passions and I am so blessed to be able to share it with others. It's all so exciting. My world feels so perfect!

And then comes a boy...

I hope by now you all get that I love being single. Even though it can be a little difficult at times... and despite my strong desire for a wedding and marriage and to be pregnant... I love being single. And my life is just to perfect to be in any kind of relationship. Boys are just too complicated... too stressing to enter into my perfect little world. Actually love is too overwhelming to keep my world perfect. It makes it chaotic and confusing... I forget everything and lose sight of so much. I just don't want love right now... and as it bombards me I wonder if I will ever want it.

Whoever said it was better to love and lost then to never to have loved at all was a moron. And was obviously just trying to make the person who felt hurt and rejected feel better! I think it's a very sardonic quote! I would be better off having never known love. Unfortunately the English word does not suffice the many different types of love in the world. I speak purely of romantic love... the consuming passionate love. Because I know that I am better person because of the love that I have shared with my family and my close friends. I am truly blessed by this love... but I have yet to see the blessing in this other love. Maybe if I got to marry my first love as so many others that I know... then I would think love is great. But I don't have that luxury.

I have prayed almost unceasingly that this love be removed from me. That I would no longer feel it. But it seems that it only caused it to be more intertwined in my being. I almost don't even feel it because it has become a part of who I am now. So much so that it no longer compells me. I no longer wait for him to return... or pray that he loves me too. I have just accepted it... as I would any other part of myself. I'm very skinny... always laughing and I love him.

But sometimes it surfaces... as it has this week. And I'm pissed! My perfect world has now just been tainted by love. I don't want to love him... I don't want him or anyone else to know I love him... I don't want him or any relatinship right now. I just want to live... focused on God and fulfilling my destiny. I don't want love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

A Woman's Worth

Here's another blog for my ladies! Another issue that has been raised in so many of my conversations. And now it's becoming my mantra... I want to get a shirt that says, "Know Your Worth Ladies... Because He Doesn't"!

I guess my thinking on this topic started with my own life. As much as I identify myself as being a smart independent woman... I have made some pretty lousy choices with relationships. Thankfully it's only been a handful of relationships that I have been in. But as great as I thought they were... in hindsight I realise that they really didn't see my worth. They might have thought I was really hot... or that I had a great personality... they might have really wanted to get to know me. But at the end of the day... they didn't know that I was worth so much more. Much more then a one night stand and much more then an uncommitted relationship. That I deserved to have my phone calls returned and my questions answered... I deserved an apology... I deserved to be pissed. And I didn't deserve to be the other girl... or another girl... or a booty call! And I'm not male-bashing... I don't do that. I'm not calling them asses or jerks or dogs! And if I'm casting blame... I need to blame myself for falling before thinking... and for lowering my standards and for putting my beliefs on hold.

I just wish someone had told me... told me that whoever the guy was just didn't know my worth. But instead, someone's always pushing you into him or pushing you away from him. I wouldn't mind some gentle perspective. I hate when they tell you he's just no good... and he just wants one thing. And I hate when they tell you to give him a chance... you never know what will come out of it... you don't have to marry him just date him! Both are sounding equally stupid. He wasn't an ass... I just don't think he should have gotten that chance! Why??? Because he didn't know my worth. He didn't see it... he couldn't see it... because I wasn't the one for him. The one he would always want and miss... the one he would be patient with... the one whose stupidness he could put up with... the one he would be excited to see... the one he would wait for. I wasn't for him so he couldn't see just how much I deserved.

Trust me Ladies, you have a lot of worth! You are precious and special... you are a jewel, a rare diamond... a treasure. Unfortunately... not everyone will see this. But that's okay! Because how much more cherised will you be by the one who sees it. And how much more will YOU admire the one who knows!

And I guess this is why I sit and wait for my husband... even though I have found a prospect. I want him to see my worth. And as a diamond is sought and cherished... so should I. And so should you ;)

Song of Solomon 4:9-10

You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride.

You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes,

with a single jewel of your necklace.

Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride.

Your loves is better than wine, your perfume more fragant than spices.

Hosea 2:19-20

I will make you My wife forever,

showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion.

I will be faithful to you and make you Mine,

and you will finally know Me as the Lord.

Isaiah 43:4

Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you,

I will give [Jesus] in exchange for you, and [Jesus] in exchange for your life.

Another Dedication ;)

I have often struggled with the whole idea of the family of God. I didn't understand why I would need another family... I already had one. And like most families mine is crazy and dysfuntional... but I love my family. I love my family sooooooo much! I wouldn't change any of them if I could. But I am fully aware that they are crazy... but I look beyond all of that and love them anyways. So why would I want another group of dysfunctional people to love. And my experience with the family of God was not only a dysfunctional group of people... it was another group of people telling you what to do! A bunch of people telling how to live your life... but who had serious isssues of their own! It was looking too much like my own family. And since I couldn't get rid of my own family.. I decided to reject this wannabe group!

I would tell myself that the family of God was for people who lacked a sense of belonging. And I thankfully had found mine with my family. No matter what's going on in my life... I know I have my family. I am always going to be a Joseph... that's where I fit. I am the most comfortable and feel the most acceptance when I am with my grandma, my aunts, uncles and my cousins all talking foolishness... making jokes for hours. Even though they can annoy me or piss me off... it doesn't matter! That's where I fit... that's who I was! I didn't need the church to accept me... I was always already accepted.

But tonight I have realised that I am apart of another family. I must thank the Montreal Women's Ministry Network for letting me into their family. I am honored to be apart of such a sisterhood that loves and accepts others so easily. I am so blessed by the group... to have other women to encourage me and pray with me... without judging me or trying to tell me what I am doing wrong. And I feel like I fit... as I share my heart or laugh hysterically... I feel like I belong.

And I'm happy that I don't have to give up part of my own family to belong... but that I can just enjoy both. And I think that this is what God intended... this is what the family of God should look like.

To my sisters at MWMN, thank you for showing me what the Christian family should look like.

Acts 4:32

All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had.

1 Peter 2:17

Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.

John 17:20-26

Jesus Prays for All Believers

"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. "Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. "Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."

N.B. For more infomation on MWMN visit http://mwmn.org

Deadline

I just finished reading the book Deadline by Randy Alcorn. I started it when I was on the plane heading to Italy... but started another book while I was there so only started to read it again since I got back. And the past week I have been in intense book reading mode. All I've been wanting to do is curl in a ball and get lost in a book. I am probably still in that mode... all the things that I am trying to figure out... it's nice to have a distraction.

Deadline is a Christian book. I must say that I adore Christian fiction! It's so nice to read a book with all sorts of morals and values. And that makes you think but not so much that you need to take notes. Because I read Christian study book as well... but they aren't that great of a read on the bus... or really late at night. But a fiction book is very good company in most circumstances.

In Deadline, a man lost two of his best friends in a car accident... one of his friends was a Christian and the other was not. So Randy took me through the journey of this man finding Christ while letting us get a glimpse of his friends eternity. And on this journey we managed to encounter all sort of other pretty heavy topics (as if heaven and hell weren't heavy enough). It talked about abortion, homosexuality, promiscuity, racism, the effects of the media, teen pregnancy, safe sex, the effects of public schools, adultery, individuals with special needs, ethics in the workplace, marriages, family life... ohmygosh! Just looking at the list I am so overwhelmed! Like Randy thought this was the only book he would ever right so he had to put EVERYTHING in it! So of course such a heavy book left thinking about so much... which is exciting for you... MORE BLOGS! hahaha.

The book left me asking myself a lot of questions... most of them pertaining to the way I live my life.. and how that will affect my eternity. I am pretty confident that I am going to heaven... or else I'd be pretty silly to be following this religion! But even when I get to heaven... it's not like everything I have done is going to be erased from my mind. Though I wouldn't mind if a few things were. So I'm wonderinf now how my eternity in heaven is going to be looking. Is God going to say "Well done, good & faithful servant"... or is He going to be like.. "Well.............. would this be a good time to say I told you so?!" And am I storing up earthly treasures or heavenly ones? Is my life all about money and material things and school and my career... all things that will not be following me to heaven! Or is it about encouraging and helping those around me? People are probably the only thing that will be in heaven with me. And it's so easy to get caught up in all the things that life has to offer. And what are other people going to say about me when I'm gone? Will I leave more then just a bank account behind or will I have made a difference to someone? Will I have made an impact... left my mark on this world? I just don't want to wait until it's too late to start living a purposeful life... a life that has meaning... and brings me joy and satisfaction.

Often times when I think about how I need to life more purposefully... I get a little overwhelmed. I think of all the things I need to be doing. And that really only leads to depression! I have to continuously remind myself that I will not be perfect no matter how hard I strive for it... and no matter how many people try to demand it. So I remind myself to take baby steps... especially during moments of self-reflection. But really, all I need to do is use what God has already given me... exactly where I am.

So I am hoping that during this intense decision-making time... I will remember the things that matter. That I will keep my eyes on the important things in life... the things that I can carry on with me to heaven. I'm finished fighting for things that are not real... or will not be with me forever. I'm finished striving for earthly pleasure... I want eternal joy.

Mark 8:35

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.

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Philippians 1:21

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

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Matthew 25:20,21

The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.'
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

Jehovah Jireh - God my Provider

Why are you downcast, O my soul?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42:11

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I just need to take a moment to thank God all that He has blessed me with! Because really, where would I be without Him? What would I be without Him? He truly is my everything... my friend, counselor, protector and provider!

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The past few weeks have been pretty stressful for me. I have been feeling really lost coming back from my trip. Being out of school... I feel like I need to make some serious decisions. And I hate wasting time... which just seems to put more stress on me. I'm broke and don't have a job... and to some people that might seem so simple. Go out and get a job! Unfortunately for me... life just isn't that simple. I just have so much riding on every decision I make... I want everything I do to be what God wants me to do. And of course I haven't always done that in my life... because I wasn't willing to wait on Him. Pretty much every mistake I've made really comes down to waiting. It's so much easier to take the short-term enjoyment then wait for the eternal satisfaction! But I want to start waiting... I want to wait for what God has in store for me... for the blessings He has for me.

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So I have been praying a lot for direction... do I look for a career job or an in the mean-time job? Do I look for a job in Montreal? Toronto? New York? London? Do I start my own business? What am I doing with my life?!?

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But as I'm waiting for the answer to these questions... life is still going on! So I still have bills to pay... and I still need to be doing some kind of activity! I mean, when my mom comes home and asks me what I did all day... I can't just say... I prayed! I would definitely get a lecture about how jobs don't just fall from the sky. And she would retell me the story of the man who drowned waiting for God to save him... when he had multiple opportunities to be saved! So I tried to do as much as I could without making a decsion... praying that God wouldn't forget me! Trying to keep my faith... knowing that He promises to take care of everything.

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And once again He has proven Himself faithful! I was really stressed out about one of my bills that I wouldn't be able to pay. And as I was trying to figure out all the ways that I could try to pay it... by using my pitiful human strength... God came through... I got the money. And though I believe in supernatural things... this wasn't that supernatural... but a blessing just the same. Between my government checks, some money I brought back from Europe... and a very random blessing from a friend... I was able to pay my bill. Praise God!

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But now I have made a decision... and I am so scared that it wasn't the right thing to do. I decided to start subsituting at the daycare again... even though I quit in June :P And I know that part of me is thinking that it's a back up plan if God doesn't come through! And that really isn't a good idea! The hardest thing about choosing to do what God wants you to do... is sometimes you look very stupid to everyone else! So as much as other people think, well! You need the money so why not work... I'm thinking, oh no! am I taking matters into my own hands and not waiting! Or is this what He wants me to do!?! I don't know!

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I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,

and in his word I put my hope.

[and] those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

Pslam 130:5; Isaiah 40:3

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And God is so into waiting! He wants us to wait for prayers to be answered... He wants us to wait for promises to be fulfilled! Which is a hard thing to grasp in our society... I try to avoid waiting for anything... and my world caters to this! But waiting is so good... because it builds character, determination... and teaches persistence and consistency. A few qualities that I could work on.

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So since I have decided to follow Jesus with all that I have... I should be waiting on Him for all that I need. Which is hard for me to explain to people! I try to explain why I'm not working or why I'm broke or why I don't just follow my dreams... to move or to start my own business... or why not call the guy I think I'm gonna marry!!! Because I'm waiting... and if I continue to wait with my hope in Him... trusting that God will continue to be my everything... the end result will be beyond my wildest imagination! :)

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"No eye has seen,

no ear has heard,

no mind has conceived

what God has prepared for those who love him"

1 Corinthians 2:9

Pretty Close to Perfect

Now most of you know that Jesus is my Best Friend! And a really good one too. He's always there... loving me and supporting me. He offers the best advice and always knows just what to say! But that doesn't mean that I don't still need a human best friend. And I literally thank Him everyday for the best friend He has given me.

I love my best friend Grace so much! Even though her and I are so different... even though she does really random things that drive my crazy... even though she makes mistakes... I wouldn't change her for anything. Not that I could even if I wanted to... because we both know that our friendship is all God... because we probably never would have chosen each other. Simply because we are so different. I mean, the only thing we have in common is our love for Jesus and our love for stainless steel! But somehow God has brought us together... and we have held on to it by faith... and sweat and tears! And now it's one of the greatest gifts we have.

And good friends are hard to come by... especially if you are an introvert... like myself. Because I would rather have just one really close friend then a bunch of not so close friends. So I've had a zillion best friends... hoping that they could be that one really good friend. The one who I can share everything with and know that they will always try their hardest to be there. And who can share everything with me and trust me and rely on me. And a lot of people say that is unrealistic... no one can expend themselves so much! But I do for all my friends... so how come you can't?

And I do know some really great people who have helped me in times of need. And some of those people are really good friends who I talk to and see on a regular basis. And I am blessed by all of them. But I only have one best friend. She's the only friend that has there for me all the time... the only friend who loves me enough to know exactly what I need. I love that I can call her crying and pour out my heart and she won't say anything! I can always be me... no matter how rude, depressed, happy, upset, sacrilegious, hyper... she still loves me! And I am so blessed to be able to be that for her too!



So this blog is dedicated to my best friend, Grace! Who has given me a pretty close to perfect friendship!

Proverbs 18:24

A man of many companions may come to ruin,

but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Ecclesiastes 4:10

If one falls down, his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

John 15:13

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

1 John 4:111

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

Reality Doesn't Just Bite... It Kicks & Punches Too!

The worse thing about vacation is going home at the end of it. If you want to go home after your vacation.. you obviously didn't have a very good trip. Otherwise, going home is the last thing you want to do. And yes I missed my family and my friends... but definitely not my life.

Even before I got home I started to get stressed out about it. I was fully aware that I wasn't going back to Montreal to much. I am a university graduate... who quit my job and has no money! This was not looking good. So now I am praying and praying... to avoid being worried. But it's not working. I am so worried and so stressed! Do I want to find a job in my field or just find any old job? Do I want to start my own business or gain more experience? Do I want to stay in Montreal or leave? And while I'm trying to figure this out, do I just want to go back to the daycare so at least I am making money? Because I wouldn't have to apply there... I would just have to walk in! Arg!

And then, the day I arrived it was one of my ex-boyfriends birthdays! And I think everyone has that ex that you just can't get rid of. You think you're over them... only to find out that you aren't. And somehow... everyday just seems to remind you more of them... no matter how hard you try to forget them! It's actually very annoying! And if all that isn't bad enough... that ex happens to be your biggest weakness. They could very easily have you back without even trying. So I am fully aware that he is this person in my life... so I'm always trying to act extra strong... like I don't need you. But calling him for his birthday was just a reminder that I'm coming back to my boring single life! And remember, I love being single... Ij ust hate being reminded of it! And calling an ex-boyfriend is just a big reminder that your single!

And as though my reality wasn't looking bad enough... they decided to get worse! I felt like I was just fighting with my family. There seemed to be so much tension between me and my immediate family members. Maybe we all forgot what the other was like... and now that they are in our faces again... we realize how annoying thier personality is! Within in one week of being home I have already felt like the stupid family member who only cares about themself... one more than one occasion!

So not only am I broke... I don't have a job and I'm no longer a student... but I'm also single and the worse family member ever! I should have just stayed on vacation!!!

Philippians 4:19

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

Luke 12: 22-26

Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

Thank You Doesn't Suffice

The biggest blessing of both my vacations in Europe have been the hospitality of the people I have stayed with. I kept telling the people I stayed with thank you and they kept telling me that I didn't need to. But I really needed them to know how much I appreciated all that they did for me.

While in Italy, I lived with my best friend and her now husband. They fed me, dragged me around with them and took me sight-seeing... for 4 weeks! While in England, I stayed with my family... who also fed me, dragged me around with them and took me sight-seeing... for a week! Now to some of you this may not seem like a very big deal... but honestly, none of them were obligated to do any of that. They did it just because they wanted to.

I unfortunately, have been to placed and done nothing but sleep... just stay in bed... all day long. Not by choice... only because there was nothing else to do... no one to take me out... drag me around... nothing. And let me tell you... that is a depressing vacation. You never want to spend money on a flight to never leave your room. There's nothing good about it! I have been to Trinidad so many times and I still haven't seen any tourist attractions! It's very sad! And so, since my last trip to Trinidad I was really afraid to go visit people. Because as much as I go to visit someone... after spending all that money I would really like to get out and do something! But sometiems people don't want to stop their lives for their visitors... or they just don't have time. And as much as I have tried to keep my expectations very low... I am always disappointed! So travelling to visit people has become very scary!

And I guess that's why I appreciated my hosts in Europe so much more! I was amazed at how much I got to see and do! And even though Italy had its ups and downs... it was still great! And England was a perfect vacation... I enjoyed every second of it! I am sure every vacation won't be as good as these ones... but at least I have something to hold on to! And I hope that one day I can return the hospitality favor :)

Galations 6:9-10

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

Ephesians 1:16-17

I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.

Big City Girl

I cried a lot when leaving Italy. I cried when I said bye to my best friend and her husband. I cried when I said good bye to his parents. And I cried when I left the hotel... alone at 4 in the morning in Rome. The last one wasn't really for the same reasons at the others! But I cried big hard tears just the same! But as hard it was to leave... I was excited to get to London. It was going to be a whole new vacation... with family and... West Indian food!

The beginning of my time in England unfortunately wasn't that great... because I waited in Gatwick airport for like 3 hours... while my family was a Heathrow! And it was so cold! And I didn't want to spend any of my money... cos I kept doing the exchange in my head. And thinking to myself... OHMYGAWD! that chocolate bar is like $4.00 Canadian! Then when I finally reached my family... I got to take the train to them. It was very exciting to be in the masses of people. I love masses of people.

And as my time in England progressed, I just found myself in the masses more often. I was in my glee! London is such a big city! And there's just so much activity going on... so much to do. And the best thing about big cities is there public transportation. I love a city that you don't need to drive in... when the buses and subways come really often.

A lot of people complain about the weather in England. But it didn't reallly bother me. Everyday is just a Starbucks and scarf day! I love those days!

The only thing that I would complain about is that there are just a lot of rude people in London. No one says sorry or gives their seat to the elderly. And when you go into a store the workers don't even look at you... no hello or can I help you! I was shocked everytime!

But just the same... I love London! I love big cities! I love the fast paced life... with rush-hour traffick and ram-packed buses! I love huge stores full of shoppers and city lights and the night life! And I guess that describes Montreal too... but London is so much bigger!!!

So now my two favorite places in the world are New York City and London. But there are still more places that I need to visit :P