Unveiling of Secrets

Most of my revelations are inspired by a book. I'm always reading a book whether it be frantically or leisurely. The difference being that one I can't put down and the other I rarely seem to pick up. But since I'm not working, I'm going through books like it's going to get me into heaven.

My sister-in-law told me that "The Christian's Secret to a Happy Life" changed her life. Not many books change her life... she laughs at me because EVERY book changes mine. I'm a little impressionable. But words are my food and a book is a freakin buffet. And since all-you-can-eat means nothing to me with food, I might as well get my full of books! So since she said this book changed her life... it would most definitely rock my world! But when I first started reading it, it was a complete bust! I felt like I was reading Shakespeare. She didn't tell me the book was written sometime between the years 1832 and 1911!!! It isn't making any sense so it quickly became a book a rarely pick up to a going on my lovely shelf. I felt like I had achieved great things by even buying a book written so long ago. It went right next to "The Taming of the Shrew".

Getting back from Toronto with the news that I was moving and then finding out that my friend was living out a fairy tale... I felt suddenly excited about... life! Finally! So with this new burst of spirituality, I decided to dust off the copy of "The Christian's Secret to a Happy Life". Really, I didn't have any money to buy a new book and all the books I enjoy re-reading were with my aunt! But I could've borrowed something... but I didn't!

So now it feels like I'm reading it for the first time. I can't remember reading any of the things in it... probably because it's actually making sense! And I love that it was written over a hundred years ago! It makes it so simple... not in language but in logic! I'm not finished it yet but the first few chapters have been pretty world rocking! It's been about my new word... the one tattooed to my arm... Faith.

As I start reading, I realise how I don't really have faith. I mean, I know that this year I lost a lot of it but I don't think I had much to begin with. I wouldn't trust God entirely with... me. I would hold back... not really believing that He could handle me. Or that He knew what He was doing. I thought that He was going to make me into a terrible boring obedient drone... so I had to hold on to my fun and wild side (you can imagine what kind of trouble that got me into). And I think this is because I didn't really believe He loved me. Because if I believed that He loved me as a perfect Father then He would want the best for me. He would want me to live... to have fun and succeed. But He would want to protect me from the bad things. He wouldn't want to see me hurt or injured. And this is God... my perfectly heavenly Father who loves me. It's crazy how often God has to prove His love for me. I've quicker given my all and everything to a man who wasn't even trying to prove anything but that he's a jerk! But God loves me so much that He keeps proving it!!!

So Hannah Whitall Smith, has me making vows that I will trust and believe God. That I will give Him all of me because I can't do it on my own. Me even trying to work out this thing called life has only lead me to heartache and pain... confusion and anguish. So like I intrust a Doctor with my health to make the right perspection... I intrust all of me to a perfect God! Who can make no mistakes... no screw-ups! I trust that He will work out things in my life by His unconditional love and His infinite wisdom!

So now every morning, I present myself to Him, a worthless lump of clay, to be made into anything His love and His wisdom will choose... I trust Him utterly and I trust Him now!

Definitely not as easy as I'd like it to me. But Hannah is still guiding me through it... through my doubts (which I have too many of) and through my temptations and fears!

While I was reading "The Christian's Secret..." I started and just finished reading "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. This book was a pretty popular trend for a bit. Every lady on public transit was toting one... like it was The DaVinci Code. I usually try not to fall into these trends. I still haven't read the DaVinci Code! But my friends kept telling me that I would really like "Eat Pray Love"... that I would feel connected to it. And for me, it's all about being connected to a book. I love finding empathy in a book. I love having someone express my emotions so much more sophisticatedly and so much more comprehendible then I can. So I borrowed it for my weekend trip to Toronto feeling a bit skeptical.

My favorite line in the book was: "Faith is the belief in what you can't see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark."

Amazing!

So here I am, standing in a pitch black tunnel... unable to see either end and hearing way too many voices. I'm scared and confused and pretty lost. But I am learning to believe. To believe that God is holding my hand ever so tightly and not letting go... even though I can't feel Him. I am learning to believe that everything will be okay! I will get out of this tunnel and into the light. I will come out a beautiful flower! I will come out happy and free! I will come out!

We live by faith, not by sight.

2 Corinthians 5:7

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1

The Start of Making Sense

This year I celebrated my champagne birthday. I turned 24 years old on the 24th. Very exciting. I remember thinking of this birthday for many years prior to it. I love dates and celebrations... they excite me. For this reason, I had to make my champagne birthday rather memorable. So I got a tattoo. I wanted something meaningful... unlike my other two tattoos. I'll never regret them but they were done during a very difficult point in my life... and done for very stupid reasons with rather stupid people! Needless to say, I wanted my next tattoo to represent something very beautiful.

I decided to have the words "Faith" written on the inside of my arm. I wanted a visible reminder of my commitment to God and the life that I had chosen. And in Scripture, God tells the Israelites to bind the laws on their hands and foreheads as a reminder (Deuteronomy 6:8). In Judaism, people tie little boxes that contain the laws on scrolls to their arms. They tie it to their left arm so that the box can rest on their heart. So that's where my Faith is... bound to my arm (my strength) and close to my heart.

But I think when I did it, it was definitely an act of faith because I didn't have any of it! I didn't believe in the things unseen. Or the promises God has spoken over my life or this whole Christian walk. Actually, after getting the tattoo I wondered why I did it if I didn't even believe! I regretted it a bit! Who was I to be going around declaring faith on my arm! God forbid someone asked me about faith... I'd just start talking about the Jews! But thankfully God knew what was going on... because I sure didn't.

And now, 2 months after getting this tattoo, it's all starting to make sense. This is my year of faith!

Yes, yes, I know I said it was the year of new beginnings. Good ole' number 8. But it all ties in together. Really!

2008 definitely didn't start off feeling like the year of new beginnings. It felt more like the year of "hahaha-you-thought-you-dealt-with-this-already"! I was facing issues that I hadn't dealt with 2007 because it was over or so I had thought. But then I was talking to a few people during the summer about how we all felt 2008 was going. And most had reported that it had been a rather difficult 6 months. But one person said to me that for something to come to life it must first die (speaking specifically about seeds). And another person said that now that summer is over they are feeling a burst of excitement for the things to come. And usually autumn wouldn't bring on such great antcipation but this year, it was! So maybe everything that needed to die is dead and we are finally ready to grow into our new beginnings!!!

But wait! Before I start rushing off to grow into a beautiful yellow tulip in the middle of the fall... something seems to be holding me back! Ah yes, that's the problem... IM STILL STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF A PITCH BLACK TUNNEL!!! Unable to see the light at either end! Unable to even see my own hand... I can't see anything. And to make matters worse, I'm hearing everything. I'm hearing my voice... your voice... the voice of all my friends and families... and not to mention the voice of demons and angels! Great! So now, which way should I go so that I can enjoy my new beginnings? What's that? What's that you say??? Oh wait, I can't hear you! BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS TELLING ME WHERE TO GO!

I've actually been in this situation before in real life. For one of the zillion parts of my Champagne Birthday, I went to the restaurant O.Noir. For those of you who have never heard of this restaurant, it is quite an experience. You basically eat your meal in complete darkness. Thankfully you're meal is ordered in the foyer in the light but then after you are lead in to your table in the dark by your visually impaired waiter. Unfortunately for me, I'm claustrophobic! So we enter into the dining area, my dinner guests and I are in a line with our right hand on each other's shoulder. The darkness feels like it punches me in the stomach and knocks the wind out of me... breathing starts to become difficult. And the restaurant is insanely noisey! I feel like there are a zillion people in the room and I don't know where the walls or ceiling are. I'm actually ready to run out of there with my arms flailing. But as I turn my head around to make a quick exit into the dark abyss, I remember that my big brother is in the back of my line. Of course he's laughing hysterically! But I trust him. And if he's there I know he will look out for me. I don't have to be scared of the dark because he's in it with me... to hold my hand. (I know, I'm a big baby... but I don't really care)

But unlike at O.Noir, my big brother is not in my tunnel! And even if I wanted him there, he couldn't get in. His annoying voice is there asking me all these foolish questions (right, Eddie?!?). But he's not there to hold my hand and protect me. I'm all alone. Or am I?

Who among you fears the LORD

and obeys the word of his servant?

Let him who walks in the dark,

who has no light,

trust in the name of the LORD

and rely on his God.

Isaiah 50:10

Fairy Tales Do Exist

Last month, when I returned from my two-week Toronto getaway, one of my very good friends sat me down to talk. With tears in her eyes she told me that she was terrible sorry... but that she was dating the man of her dreams. Normally, people don't apologize for this sort of thing. But in this case, she was sorry that it was her and not me. Exactly a year before, we sat in her car in front of my house as we often do... and talked but this time about how we actually had came face to face with the man of our dreams. Both of us had. They were everything we had dreamed of. And we both felt it in our hearts that God had told us that we would marry them. We were almost embarassed to say these words aloud. Did God really tell people this? Did we hear the Lord right? Or was it just us really wanting it to be that person?! And then if we did hear right... how could it be that we could ever end up with such amazing men of God??? Did we even deserve them?

And now here she was... actually dating the man that I had prayed for her about a year ago.

And of course, as a human, one's first instinct is to think... why you and not me??? And I did ask that question silently to myself as the tears streamed down my face. And my very good friend knew I did. So after a good little cry... the kind that just us girls can have... I was overwhelmed with happiness for her.

As I have watched this relationship unfold... rather quickly too... I am soooooooooooo happy! It literally is a dream come true! They are perfectly perfect for each other... I haven't seen such a fitting couple in awhile! He is everything she could have wanted and that much more. As God has promised!

So maybe I'll get a fairy tale after all ;)