Missing My Giraffe's

I'm always in a rush. I feel like I have so much to do and so little time. And I feel this mostly about the big stuff... my long-term goals and things I hope to accomplish. People keep having to remind me that I'm still pretty young and I have plenty of time. I'm not so sure about that. The way this world is going... I don't think I have much time at all. I'm frustrated by people who think we have time. My best friend thinks we have all the time in the world. No pressure. No rushing. You should see the two of us walking down the street together. I'm often a few feet in front her... we can't even carry on a conversation. I keep having to yell back "We're running out to time!".

I often look back on my life and think that I've wasted most of it. I'm probably making my past uglier then it actually is. Lately, in hindsight, I feel like I've wasted my time with getting the degree I got and having the jobs I've had... and even wasted my time with some of the company I've kept.

And I often think that I wasted my time not going to Toronto earlier. I had been planning on moving for years. After high school... after college... after university. And now I've moved after a year of being a university graduated. I must have been wasting time for that whole year. Because I wasn't in school... I didn't start my own business... or get married. What goals where accomplished during that time? None!

And of course life must be measured by accomplishments.

Okay fine! There were a few accomplishments. After graduation I went to Belize, Italy and England. Fine! I guess Europe was on my list of things to do. And then when I got back to home I got my driver's license. But then I was suppose to go to Toronto in January. And instead I stayed in Montreal. Obviously... I must have been wasting time.

I have finally accepted that I wasn't. That though those few months here were not on my list of things to do... I am truly happy I stayed.

I stayed in Montreal to work at the daycare with my kiddies.

Yup, they're mine.

I first worked with these kids when they were almost 3... and it was the first class I spent that much time with. And I loved them to bits. I don't usually have a favorite kid but I must say this was my favorite class. I don't know why... they were bad and didn't listen... but there was something about them that I absolutely adored. And after I stopped being their full-time teacher I would keep visiting them... and substituting in their class. So when I was offered to be their full-time teacher again... now that they were getting ready to graduate, I couldn't say no.

And I am so happy I didn't.

Those 11 kids will forever be my kiddies. We were a little family. I was their crazy big sister and they were my bratty lil brothers and sisters. We would have bad days together and good days together. When I was grumpy... they were grumpy. When I was pmsing... they were pmsing. When I was hyper... they were hyper. This wasn't always the best thing but it definitely made for an exciting day.

I remember one day I dropped an entire bottle of yellow paint on the floor. It splattered everywhere. I was so overwhelmed that I just stared at it wondering where to even start cleaning... when suddenly 11 little kids came running... one with the mop, others with paper towels, others with wipes... all to clean up mess. Then about 30 minutes later while baking, I dropped the brown sugar all over the floor. And again stood there overwhelmed... while they got the broom and paper towels to clean up my mess yet again. I honestly would've been lost w/o them. I would so often call them each others names... while someone would correct me. I would get my words all mixed up... while someone would help me. And because I was the only teacher, I often wouldn't have enough arms or eyes to be with everyone... so they would help each other with their art work. I depended so much on them and they were able to handle it. They were such an amazing group.

We were all artists... also known as emotional. So we made beautiful art... but it took a lot of tears and temper tantrums to get there. And even though other teachers didn't understand them... I did.

And the best thing is that I don't have any favorites in the class. Each of them were unique and special... and I loved them for it. But there are kids that I am closer with. Not because I sought them out... but because they did. I had some kids that were always sitting on my lap... or asking me a question. Some kids who followed me around to help or who always wanted to play with me. They were the kids that when the cried they wanted me to hold them. So yeah, we got a little closer then others. But that doesn't mean I didn't love all of them.

These kids made a big impact on my life. I don't really ever want to work with another group of kids because I loved these kids so much. And I am pretty confident that I impacted their lives as well. And by the reaction of their parents... I am pretty sure I did.

I actually just got back from having dinner at one of their houses. I wasn't sure if I was overstepping boundaries by texting one of the mom's to tell her I was in town. But I did it anyways... hoping for the best. I was truly blessed to be invited over. To be able to spend more time with one of my kiddies. To know that I wasn't forgotten.

So maybe somebody thinks I'm special :)

"Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me;

and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me."

Mark 9:37

But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me,

and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Luke 18:16

My Confessions -- Part 2

Before I start, I just wanted to remind everyone what my blog is all about. Incase you forgot or didn't know. I write this blog just to get my thoughts out. My journal didn't have enough pages for everything I have to say... especially since I write so big. I love writing... it's very therapeutic and I just make more sense writing then talking. And write to let you in on the psyche of me... what I'm dealing with and struggling with... just incase you can empathize. And I know so many of you can. This is not my way of getting you to worry about me. This is not me trying to get advice or counsel. But I do take cash! Hahaha. No but seriously... that's not what this is about. It's authentic but not personal. God told me to write... so that's what I'm doing.

Now that I've cleared that up... here's some more of my confessions.

This is one I've been in denial about for awhile. Or maybe I did know... and just never wanted to admit it. But when I was reading the Shopaholic books, I decided to face the reality. I accepted that not only are Rebecca Bloomwood and I addicted to shopping... we're liars.

The love of my life has been calling me a liar for the past 4 years. If he read this (thank God he doesn't) he'd tell me I should've just listened to him and stop living in denial which is the root of all my problems. And then I'd tell him I'm not in denial.

That's a lie though.

I am in denial.

No one wants to be a liar. Unfortunately some of us are.

I'm a liar for many different reasons. The main one being that I'm really lazy. I'll let you believe something that isn't true just because I don't have the energy to tell you that it isn't. This happens very often when I don't understand what you're asking me... and then I just agree with you... only to realise that I should not be agreeing with you. Or I don't really understand a question and then I answer some untrue randomness.

I also lie to keep myself from getting in trouble. I don't like facing consequences. I'd rather protect my backside with a nice little lie.

And the love of my life likes to consider exaggeration a lie as well. And if so, then I'm always lying! Cos I love a good exaggeration!

I also lie when I don't want to tell someone something. So instead of saying that it's none of your damn business... I'll just tell a nice little half-truth.

I honestly do hate being a liar. I get frustrated with myself... wondering why I couldn't just suck it up and say what's really good. I hate looking dumb or getting in trouble. It's easier to just lie.

And I don't know if people realise I'm a big liar. Only the love of my life has consistently caught me in lies. Yeah, that could've put a damper on a relationship!

So this is just another thing that I'm going to be working on as I begin my new journey... I hope it goes well.

Oh, and don't worry... I never lie to you... in this blog! ;)

"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just

and will forigve us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:8-9

Nothing Special

I've been wanting to write about this topic for so long. Since one of my heart-to-heart conversations with one of my girls in the car... that's where we have our heart-to-hearts. I miss having a car! But that's besides the point! So I kept wondering how I could bring this topic up... and I thought that I just would. Surprisingly en tough, life brought it up.

My past is ugly.

I guess other people might have an uglier past. But I'm not into comparing... at least not when I want to wallow! Though even if someone's is worse then mine... I hate my past. I spend a lot of time trying to run from it. I've blocked out a lot of it... and live in denial about most of it. Part of my moving out of Montreal had to do with leaving my past. Unfortunately, I don't know how well that worked.

My past is ugly for various reasons. Most of them having to do with bad decisions and stinky people. I've made a lot of mistakes... chosen a lot of crappy friends... and dated a lot of loser guys. I try not to live with regret (because "they" say you shouldn't) so I see what I've learned from my mistakes. Unfortunately somethings it took my longer to learn... or I may not even have caught on to some of the learning's yet actually. But I'm hoping I did.

I'm presently in Montreal now. When I got in, for reasons you're not ready to hear about (yeah that's right... YOU are not ready for it) I had to contact a few people from my past.

I would love to call them ex-boyfriends. But that they were not. They were... "friends". I think that's what they call themselves... I wonder if they call me something so wonderful. I doubt it.

I just want to be loved.

How cheesey is that?!? Well, it actually is only cheesey to say but we all feel that way. Everyone wants to be loved... or at least liked. And sometimes the real love you do have doesn't feel like enough. I have been known to look for love in all the wrong places... with the wrong people. From those who can give something that might look like a form of love at the moment... but that leaves you feeling more empty then when you woke up that morning. And you were sure you couldn't have felt any worse then you already did. Surprise! You always can feel worse!

Some of these "friends" are still acquaintances now. They are my facebook friends... and we wish each other Happy Birthday... or I wish them Happy Birthday. Two of them are even my msn friends... so every few months we'll have a nice little chat. Most of them I never see! And I think if we did... he wouldn't even say hello to me. He might just nodd or just look the other way.

And that's because I'm nothing special.

I'm not that girl. I'm not one that you actually date... or the one that you really like. I'm not the one you keep texting or calling. I'm not the one you take out to dinner. I'm not the one you tell your friends about. I'm not the one you remember. I'm just another girl... in the long list of girls. I'm rather unmemorable. I'm nothing special.

I try to be memorable. I'll buy you a teddy bear and leave it in your room. Or I'll make you a lasagna and deliver it to you at the library. I'll buy you a souvenir when I'm on vacation. I'll make time for you even when I don't have any. I'll bend over backwards for you even if I don't have to. I enjoy making them feel special... even if I'm not.

Because I just want to be loved.

I just want to feel loved.

I want to feel like I matter... like I'm important... like I'm valued. I want to be special enough that you'll make an effort. I want to be special enough that you'll keep calling. I want to be special enough that you'll forgive me. I want to be special enough that you'll still want to be with me even though I'm emotional and illogical... even though I make a zillion mistakes.

Upon coming back to Montreal, I was reminded of my ugly past... and how I'm nothing special. I'm reminded that I'm not even worth having my calls returned. I'm not even worth asking if I'm okay. I'm not even worth your time.

I'm happy I'm starting over. Moving away, I have a clean slate. I get to see if I've learned from mistakes... and maybe I'll actually find someone who loves me.

"God told them, 'I've never quit loving you and never will.

Expect love, love, and more love!

An so now I'll start over with you and build you up again....

Jeremiah 31:3-4

"And now, here's what I'm going to do:

I'm going to start all over again.

I'm taking her back out into the wilderness

where we had our first date, and I'll court her.

I'll give her bouquets of roses.

I'll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope...

I'll say to Nobody, 'You're my dear Somebody,'..."

Hosea 2:14,15 & 23

My Confessions -- Part 1

People kept saying that when you move out, you grow up... you become more independent and mature. I didn't really get what they were saying... especially since I was felelng like ms.independent since elementary school! But now that I'm here... I feel like growth is happening whether I want it to or not. I'm being challenged and stretched more than I want to be... about things that I tried to avoid about myself. I've always liked holding on to my bad qualities ;) They are mine... so I should just love them like every other part of me. Apparently, not! So now that I am literally out of my comfort zone, I'm staring at myself in the mirror realising that we (me, myself, and I) can't go on like this! So the next blogs should be about all the exciting things that are slapping me in the face... unless something wayyyyyyyy more interesting happens!

Before moving, I read all of Sophie Kinsella's paperback books. I started with the Confessions of a Shopaholic... finished that collection and then read her two independent stories. As most of you know, they were quite a trendy and popular book. The kind of books I like to avoid. But I also avoided it because it was what I like to call a "pink-covered" book. I don't read "pink-covered" books... they are superficial, fluffy and happy. No real issues in a "pink-covered" book. I much prefer gray/brown/black covered books with a splash of red and blue. These are real books! The people in them have hard lives! And the books don't often end happy.

If my life up til now were a book, it would definitely be shades of gray with splashes of red on the cover. It wouldn't have a happy ending... maybe the slight inclination of later-joy but most likely not. It'd be full of deaths, abuses, bad marriages, heartbreak, backstabbing. My book would make people cry. So since I wasn't a pink-covered book, I didn't read them. I much prefer empathy in the books I read.

Until one of my best friends told me that I should read the Confessions of a Shopaholic because the lead character is so much like me... she shops and has no money while her bills pile up!

Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice!

So yes, Rebecca Bloomwood and I have quite a lot in common... making the book absolutely hilarious. She's completed addicted shopping. And justifies it with so many of the same things that I justify it with... like making investments! Hahaha. I mean, honestly! Black trousers are DEFINITELY an investment... you cannot convince me others! And the only reason I have 2 pairs is because one comes w/suspenders and the other one doesn't! And Becky and I both ignore our bills... and convince ourselves that we will pay them so soon. And both are in complete shock when we do realise how much we actually spent. How quickly everything adds up is just unbelievable.

I am a Shopaholic... I spend money like I have a money tree growing in my backyard. I love buying clothes and gifts (mostly gifts). I especially love going on trips (especially with a plan)! But the important things... like tithing or buying a pair of glasses, I never have enough money for. And yes, I'm in a bit of debt. Ya, I said it! I'm in debt :(

The frustrating thing about not being a pink-covered book though is that I don't have a happy ending. Rebecca Bloomwood could make as many mistakes as she wanted... screw up her life completey but at the end of the book... she could pay off her bills, she had a great job, and her husband still adored her. Everything always worked out in the end. My novel would look NOTHING like that! I think my life has to fall apart completey before things start to fall into place... before anything starts to work out.

So recently God has been talking to me about the whole money issue. Yes, God talks. And He's pretty straight about the whole talking thing... no sugar-coating with God! I mean, He loves me completely and utterly so He knows how to get me thinking without making me cry. And He told me that I have no discipline!

And it's quite true... I don't have an self-discipline or self-control. I do whatever I want and pray that He fixes it. And I use faith as an excues for why I did it. I try to convince myself that I am trusting God by making stupid irrational decisions that I have to pay for... and still am paying for. And this isn't just for the way I am with money... it trickles into so many other aspects of my life. I'm not so big on self-control.

I have so many dreams though. So many things that I want to accomplish in my life. And now that I am here... I need to get serious about things. I need to figure out what I gotta do. So I'm going to work on this self-discipline. So I'm not spending unless it's to take the bus (even though I really need a new pair of boots)... I'm also going to look into getting something part-time at the grocery store or Walmart... while I continue job hunting. And I'm tithing!

Tithing is basically giving back to God what is rightfully His... which means giving Him 10% of my income. The whole thing is His... but all He asks for back is 10%. I haven't been really big on this whole tithing thing... most people have a lot of negative things to say about it. But since I've been in Toronto I read yet another life changing book (Blue Like Jazz)... and the author shared my views on tithing. Until he was confronted... and changed. Tithing isn't about getting back (which I thought it was... until I wasn't getting back) and it isn't about what the church does with the money (though I know what my church does with the money and it's not sketch)... what it IS about is obedience. It's about practicing self-discipline! And it IS about acknowledging that everything I have is God's! And I guess that I haven't acknowledged that... but it's about time.

It's about time to get serious...

"I am God—yes, I Am. I haven't changed.

And because I haven't changed, you, the descendants of Jacob, haven't been destroyed.

You have a long history of ignoring my commands. You haven't done a thing I've told you.

Return to me so I can return to you," says God-of-the-Angel-Armies.

"You ask, 'But how do we return?'

"Begin by being honest. Do honest people rob God? But you rob me day after day.

"You ask, 'How have we robbed you?'

"The tithe and the offering—that's how!

And now you're under a curse —the whole lot of you—because you're robbing me.

Bring your full tithe to the Temple treasury so there will be ample provisions in my Temple.

Test me in this and see if I don't open up heaven itself to you

and pour out blessings beyond your wildest dreams.

For my part, I will defend you against marauders, protect your wheat fields and vegetable gardens against plunderers." The Message of God-of-the-Angel-Armies.

"You'll be voted 'Happiest Nation.' You'll experience what it's like to be a country of grace."

God-of-the-Angel-Armies says so.

God says, "You have spoken hard, rude words to me.

"You ask, 'When did we ever do that?'

"When you said, 'It doesn't pay to serve God. What do we ever get out of it?

When we did what he said and went around with long faces,

serious about God-of-the-Angel-Armies, what difference did it make?

Those who take life into their own hands are the lucky ones.

They break all the rules and get ahead anyway.

They push God to the limit and get by with it.'" [...]

God-of-the-Angel-Armies said, "They're mine, all mine. They'll get special treatment when I go into action. I treat them with the same consideration and kindness that parents give the child who honors them. Once more you'll see the difference it makes between being a person who does the right thing and one who doesn't, between serving God and not serving him."

Malachi 3:6-18 (The Message)

Aliens from Planet Anglo-Montreal

One of the main reason's for me moving out of Montreal was for a change. To get away from everything I knew and to experience living somewhere else. To experience another city's culture. Unfortunately, in the beginning of this experience... all you see is the things you hate about this new place. Well, at least I do.

I think I've always known that Montreal has one of the best public transit systems... ever! I didn't really know what that meant though. Some people told me it's because it's fast. Other people said because it's clean. And I have used the transit system in NYC, London and Rome... and they all seemed quite nice to me... clean and pretty direct.

When moving to Toronto everyone said I would need a car. It always seemed like public transit wasn't an option because everything is so far. But no! Don't be fooled. There are many MANY other reasons why you should NOT use public transit in the GTA area. Besides that fact that it can cost you way too much money... they purposely want you to get lost. The GTA Transit DOES NOT want you to find your way back home. They really don't. They must get some sort of joy off lost people or something because it's just unrealistic how confusing and non-sensical they make the transit system. First of all they have a zillion transit systems in the GTA. There's the TTC, the GO transit, the Brampton transit, the Mississauga Transit, etc. Then the TTC has the subways, buses and streetcars. And the GO has the train and the bus. And somehow all of the interconnect. So to get somewhere you might have to start with Brampton bus to a Sauga bus to the subway and to come back... you'd take a street car then the GO train to a GO bus. So during every trip you wonder if you've missed your stop and are almost in Ottawa?!? And to make matters worse some of the transit maps don't have streets on it. So you're just looking at a map of where the bus goes... but in all actuality you have no idea where the bus goes! I mean, you now know that it goes in the direction of north but what street... no! You don't get to know that kind of information! But then you think, well maybe when I get outside, I'll be able to see which bus goes on which street by the bus stop. Wrong again! The buses don't tell you what number bus is passing in front of that stop... there's just a symbol for which transit line it is. So some of the bus stop signs have the logo for EVERY transit! Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice! Why on earth wouldn't they put the bus number?!? It might be because some of the buses don't have numbers. Isn't that wonderful?!?

I haven't gotten lost yet. But Tuesday is a busy day for me so I just might. I'll just make sure to have every transit customer service phone number in my cell. Oh I'll be calling them!

I also realised that being a English Montrealer... I'm pretty much a foreigner everywhere on earth. It's actually quite sad. Today, I was in a elevator going down to leave the building. Another girl came in with me. When I got in the elevator, I stared at the buttons quite confused. I had no idea what to press. I looked at the numbers and say that after 2 came "M". What the heck is "M"?!? The girl in the elevator pressed this "M"... and asks me when she realises how lost I look if I'm going to the Main Lobby!?! Oh! The Main Lobby! Who would've known. So to explain why I look like I've never stepped out of my house before... I tell her that I just moved here from Montreal and our elevators call the lobby... RC. And then I thought...what the heck is RC?!?!

A few minutes later, while in the line for Burger King, I tell the cashier that I want the whopper junior trio. And she says what and I repeat myself... more than once. Then she rings up just the whopper junior. And I say no! I want the whopper junior trio! And she then again asks me what a few more times... and I repeat the same thing... wondering if I have an accent!!! Finally she says whopper junior what? And I'm like the drink and the fries! And she's like oooooooh! the combo! And I was like no! it's not a combo... because it's 3 things... that makes it a trio! She definitely thought I was a moron. But then I was reminded of all the times when I went to Tim Horton's a few blocks from my house and had to have long explanations with the lady about what I wanted... doing hand motions and all sorts of stuff. Just to try to get a doughnut or a cup! Or when those times when I say something in english that is the same word in french but I don't have the accent so they don't understand. Arg!

How sad to feel like a foreigner in your own country! English Montrealers are their own group of people... we should have our own island!

My Better Half

I'm emotional.

I cry.

I make decisions based on my feelings... which makes me quite indecisive most of the time. Okay, who am I kidding... all of the time.

My feelings are based on the warped views in my mind.

I don't often feel confident. I don't often feel pretty. I don't often feel important. I don't often feel worthy. And I don't even know why... I just feel.

I absolutely adore people who are the polar opposite of me. I admire them and aspire to be just like them. Chad, my uncle and the love of my life are/were all my opposite. They're logical. They don't often cry and they don't run on feelings. They make decisions because they have to. They do what they have to do no matter how they feel. And because of that they are successful... or were... or will be.

And the best thing about them... is that they don't put up with me and my crap. They don't accept my tears. They don't accept my indecisivness. They push me and they challenge me. And yes, they hurt me and I cry (even though I'm not allowed)... but they are the best thing for me.

These are the people I call when my world flips upside down and I have no more tears left to cry. When I don't know what to do or which way to turn. When I know I need a good swift hard kick in my behind.

Many people think they're jerks. Because they're blunt... they don't sugar coat and they don't care if they hurt you because they don't believe in feelings. Okay, so maybe they don't have the GREATEST personality in the world. But honestly... I need them.

And it's not to say I don't need everyone else. Because I do! I need my girls who cry with me. And I need my family who holds my hand. But I'm not going to get too far w/o the kick.

That's my personality. I know this... I need a kick. And I hope that one day I won't... and I'll be confident and I'll make great decisions and keep my eyes on the goal. Or! I'l just end up marrying someone who kicks me everyday!

Personally I'd rather keep my emotional side and add a bit more confidence... and then marry a logical man. Because if I became logical I would definitely lose myself... God made me emotional so I can make art. I write... I paint... I dance... I'm an artist. And beautiful art comes from feeling passionately. Emotional people feel passionately. And it's not to say that logical people don't make art... they do... but it's a bit more calculated then mine. They color in the lines... I don't.

So after my cry fest... I got a good hard swift kick from my uncle.

And I feel good.

I don't know how much has changed internally for good... but I'm at least going to get off my butt. I need to stay focused... and not stress. I will do this... I will get a job. And I am going to pursue a job. I am going to do what I can to get a great job. No matter how stretched I am or uncomfortable. Even though I really want to crawl into my bed with the covers over my head and cry... I will not! I will get up and get a job.

Let's see how long this lasts before I have to get kicked again.

Have you not known?

Have you not heard?

The everlasting God, the LORD,

The Creator of the ends of the earth,

Neither faints nor is weary.

His understanding is unsearchable.

He gives power to the weak,

And to those who have no might He increases strength.

Even the youths shall faint and be weary,

And the young men shall utterly fall,

But those who wait on the LORD

Shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles,

They shall run and not be weary,

They shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Hanging on a Cliff

You are all very priviledged people to be let in on the psyche of me! It's quite a crazy place. My life is a continuous struggle and fight to stay on track! And though things may at one moment seem positive... things can come crashing down really quickly. And for me, it doesn't take much. I'm pretty emotional... so switching back and forth from laughing and crying... is quite quick. So don't blink... or you just might miss the switch!

I love that this morning I said that I haven't cried for awhile so things were looking pretty good! And it didn't take me very long after writing that... probably less than an hour before I was bawling my eyes... big tears and sobs!

I've been job hunting since mid-August... and started responding to job posts since August 22nd. In mid-September, I had an interview for a job that I didn't get. I decided to move myself to Toronto even though I didn't have a job as an act of faith. I wanted to make sure I was serious... I was actually doing this. I'm a big dreamer and often times my plans fall through. So I felt that God was telling me this time to step out... and many people agreed. So here I am, in Brampton... about 40 job applications later give or take... and I've still only had that one interview.

Job hunting makes you feel like you're back in high school... telling the most popular boy in school that you like him only for him to reject you. Only job hunting is worse... it's like telling the most popular boy in school that you like him EVERY SINGLE DAY... and then he rejects you and chooses the most popular girl in school. When you're job hunting you have to wake up every morning and tell yourself... maybe TODAY I'll be the most popular girl in school... maybe today everyone will like me. That they will see that I'm smart and talented and deserve a chance. They'll see that I'm qualified... they'll actually want to call me and meet me! Maybe today is the day. And after 77 days later of hoping that today is your day... and it's NOT... you get a little depressed.

I'm not really sure what exactly triggered my crying-fest. I woke up this morning with the plan of going to a Job Fair in Hamilton. I was going to leave early but then decided to catch a later train. I was dressed in my black pants w/my suspenders and black button up top as I wrote my blog. I can't remember if I checked before or after my blog the price of my trip to Hamilton... it was going to be $30.

Now the thing about not working is that you don't really have any money. I had saved up a bit for this time. Unfortunately it didn't make it as far as I would've liked. So right now I have about $40. And my bills are being paid by each other... it's a vicious circle that I have stupidly concocted. So if I took a 2-hour trip to Hamilton to go to a Job Fair that I wasn't even really sure they would have jobs in my area... I would spend my last bit of money on my trip there and lunch. Well, maybe I could've brought a lunch. But then I would have $10 to last me until... I don't know. It wasn't sounding like a good idea. And to make matters worse, I did a little banking to see how broke I really was! Oh, I'm broke!

As a Christian, I'm suppose to believe a lot of different things. I believe that God is Love. That God is big and in control. I believe that this God of love is in control of my life...and He works things out for good. I believe that God opens doors and closes doors. God is it... He's my people. If something needs to get done... I'd have to go through the Big Man Upstairs.

So here I am: broke of my ass trying to get someone... anyone to like me... and trying to believe in a good God. Well let's just say that my faith is definitely being tried.

Why doesn't God just open the doors??? Why doesn't He find me a job? Does He want me to cry? To be broke? Why is He being soooooooooooo mean to me? Why do other people get great jobs and things fall into place so quickly and easily for them... and here I am struggling? Why doesn't He love me? Or even like me? Oh yeah, well, I don't think I like you too much either.

This is not a good place to me... incase you didn't notice.

I called my mom in Montreal and cried. I called Grace in Italy and cried. I called Eddie in Seattle and cried. I called Joy in Montreal to cry (didn't reach her). I spoke to Elissa and Eloise and cried. My uncle called and made me cry more. My aunt called and I cried. I wrote emails and cried. I read emails and cried. I lied in bed and cried. I sat on the floor and cried. Oh, I cried!

It all kinda comes down to my worth. Do I believe that I am worthy of a good job? Do I believe that I am worthy of being loved? By God and friends and family. Do I believe I am worthy of success? And of course, it comes down to belief as well. Good old Faith.

Being a Christian, God-bashing isn't always so great. It doesn't really leave me feeling like a star... it might actually make me feel worse. So I had to have a little God-time. This is when I put on some good Christian music and sing and write in my journal. This is when I pour out my heart before God and pray that He responds.

And because He is so faithful... He responded.

I had a vision. It's not as creepy as it sounds. It's really just a mental picture or movie. But it's too beautiful to be from my own mind... so it's a vision that God gives me. Here it goes... you're allowed to be freaked out... I'm not offended...

I'm hanging off a cliff. And I'm grasping on to Him with dear life. He's holding my arm though so even if I let go... He's still got me. But the more I stress... the more I slip. I get nervous about slipping... He doesn't. He just keeps telling me to trust Him. He tells me to relax... He's holding me... I don't need to struggle or do any work. But I'm quite nervous anyways. And He keeps telling me to wait. And we stay there... He keeps me on the edge of the cliff... holding on... and He's looking right at me... in my eyes... telling me to keep holding on. And I'm wondering or maybe yelling outloud... frustrated that He can pull me up but He won't. Does He want me to be more scared then I already am? Is He trying to prove to me that He's the boss? I'm so upset! I hate Him. But then... when I think I'm just about to slip out of His grasp... He pulls me up to my feet w/ease. One arm... no effort. And when I look around at the top of this cliff... it's a party! A big celebration. And He looks at me... full of love in His eyes and says, "It wasn't ready yet."

Now I'm crying happier tears. God loves me. He does. He really truly does. And He's good... He's a very good God. And I don't understand Him most of the time but I need to trust that everything He does is out of Love and Wisdom. And yes, circumstances and other people do play a role... but He's working it out. And everything will be ready soon!

And because I love Him... I'll wait for Him. He's worth it!

I am so grateful for my friends and family for their amazing support. For listening to me cry and offering me words of encouragement and prays... and offering me whatever help they can give. I am truly blessed by all of you! I have an amazing support system.

Now I just need to work a little bit on this worth... obviously a topic I am returning to!

"By faith [Kisha], when called to go to a place [she] would later recieve as [her] inheritance, obeyed and went, though [she] did not know where [she] was going. By faith [she] made [her] home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; [she] lived [in basements]....for [she] was looking forward to the city with foundations whose architect and builder is God."

Hebrews 11:8-10 [w/Renata's additions]

* * *

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything,

by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

* * *

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks;

for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

* * *

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you.

Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord,

because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

1 Corinthians 15:58

* * *

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,

who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

* * *

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

F-Bombs

I've only been away from home for a week?!? OMG! It feels like months! lol.

Thankfully, it has gotten a bit easier. No tears! Which is always a good sign. But I still feel quite alone w/o a room or a drawer... or my immediate family or closest friends.

The past few months in Montreal were pretty exciting for me, and I think that's why this transition is so much harder. I had my brother's car for a month! And I was hanging out with people to say my goodbyes! I was never home. I was at restaurant's, at the movies or just kicking it at someone's house. So now I'm here with no friends and no car! Back to being a loner on the bus.

I am so grateful to my friends though who keep calling and sending me emails. I would be lost without you!

That's my little tribute to some friends! It's actually my desktop background. A nice reminder that I do have friends! Hehehe. All those people in that picture I love tonssssssss :D Some of them I've been friends with forever while others are more recent. But either way they bring some joy to my life! Some of them I'm not as close as I would like to be... but that's okay because I'm going to stalk you forever. I know we will always have some kind of relationship. And obviously there are people missing! And that's because we never took a picture together... or at least not one that I own. So when I see Chantelle, Rouel and Caryn again... we definitely have to take a picture so I can add you to my exciting collage ;)

And of course besides my friends keeping me sane (as they often do)... there's God. He's great! He's always there... 24/7 and always takes me... no matter what I look like or how I feel. Without Him I would definitely be back in Montreal... in my own bed! It is quite hard though... trusting Him... that He knows what He's doing. But one day at a time! Keeping faith... trusting utterly and completey... even though the tunnel is dark and I have no idea where I'm going!

I know my family is reading this saying... what about me! You guys are so needy! lol. My family goes without saying! Though they need me to say it! I love that I can always have a good cry on the phone with my brothers and mom. They too are there when I need them! I thank God for having a family that supports me and believes in me! It more then helps!

So that's my support system... Faith, Family & Friends. There isn't in order though... they all work together simultaneously... God keeps me alive and my family keeps me believing and my friends keep me sane! Hehehe. That's the Kisha Trinity... um... is that sacriligous??? lol.

And with the help of my amazing support system, I have ventured out everyday this week. Not that there is much to do in Brampton when you are broke but the nice weather has been inspiring! I feel so free in my Keds and Tees :D

And I continue to job hunt... which is getting a little depressing... but we'll talk about that later!

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone..."

Genesis 2:18

There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother.

There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.

"For whom am I toiling," he asked, "and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?"

This too is meaningless—a miserable business!
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down, his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! [...]

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:8-12

See you soon!

I'm already homesick! It started lastnight... which would only be my 3rd night. I couldn't believe that I was already homesick. I wanted my bed... my room... my mom... my friends. I wanted to be in my own element where I have my own life.

Since I haven't even been here for a week, this should feel like vacation. But it doesn't. I wouldn't go on vacation when it's cold and everyone else is at work at school.

I already want to go home.

I mean, obviously I'm not going to go. I just got here.

I hate not having somewhere to go where it's just my space. My room isn't ready yet... all my belonging's and clothes are still in boxes. I feel like I'm just passing through but I know I'm not. I feel like I don't really belong. I don't have a room or parents or siblings or friends.

I cried lastnight.

I have been quite emotional lately though. I cried a lot when saying goodbye to people. Obviously I cried when saying bye to my nephew and sister-in-law and my brothers. I made my goodbyes w/my other family really short and fast to avoid my tears. I cried when I said goodbye to my pastor's and my church... actually I more sobbed hysterically. I cried when I said goodbye to friends...

To make myself feel better I decided that there weren`t goodbyes. It was more of a 'see you later' or 'see you soon'. I often try to trick my brain. I love denial!

But now, here I am, living in Brampton... wondering if I can really do this.

Not with a few more nights of tears.