A Suitable Boy

I just finished reading this massive book called A Suitable Boy, by Vikram Seth. An Indian girl is at the age for marriage... so now she must find the "suitable boy". In it there were three lucky candidates... and I found that I could name each of these characters to people in my life. And since I'm still pretty young (me trying to convince myself), the cycle might repeat itself... though I'm hoping not.

Mr. Passion: the man you fall madly deeply in love with. And it's that storybook kind of love; head-over-heels, knees weak, butterflies in the stomach, loss of speech kind of love! It's the kind where you can't bear living w/o them. Your entire being seems to be intertwined in theirs. Every waking thought and many of the sleeping one's are consumed with them. And people tell you to get over it... move on. But you can't even imagine living like that... it'd be like cutting off a limp. Ya sure, you'd survive but it would be deeply missed and you'd be pretty handicapped after.

Mr. Ideal: the man who is all your dreams come true and more. He's everything you could ever want in another human being. You can see how each other fits into every single second of each other's life. He understands you and shares the same passions, dreams and vision. You begin to wonder if God created both of you out of the same mold. He completes you and compliments you and mirrors you all at once. It amazes you that someone so perfect could actually be on this earth the whole time. It's as though you were never dreaming but just getting a picture of him.

Mr. Suitable: the man who is perfect on paper. When you describe him everyone is amazed and when they meet him, they are even more in awe. He's outgoing, sweet, kind, generous, articulate, educated, and so many other wonderful qualities that you would write on your resume. He's an amazing catch. Your life with him would be perfect; you'd have a house, 2.5 kids, a dog, a picket fence. You'd have stability... financially and emotionally. You'd always be his princess and he, you're knight in shining armor.

Now I'm sure there are so many other candidates in people's lives. I've met people that are Mr. So-damn-close-to-ideal that i wonder if they are Mr. Ideal. And of course there's Mr. Crap! But ladies, please.... don't choose him.

But in my book and so far in my life, the three main characters are Mr. Passion, Mr. Ideal and Mr. Suitable. Unfortunately for me, my life isn't a fictional-tale so no one is pursuing me. But Lata (the Indian girl in the book) was being pursued by all three. And when she made her choice, I was a little shocked but it made sense.

She didn't choose Mr. Passion. Though religion was a big hindrance for them (doesn't that sound freaking familiar) it wasn't why she didn't choose him. It was because of the passion... because it drove her mad and she felt like she lost a part of herself. When you're so in love... they aren't necessarily making you into a better you... they might even make you into a worse you. You're so driven by their love everything else fades in the background. You're physically and emotionally sick. This love might even be blind... you may not even see their faults. You're just in love. Which would make everyday living very very difficult. As I have said before... love isn't enough in a marriage... you need just a little bit more.

She chose Mr. Suitable. She said Mr. Ideal would be too much because they were too similar. I beg to differ. And she said at least with Mr. Suitable, she knew what she was getting into. She could see what everyday would be like... the routine they would get into. But I guess she had to choose him since the book was... A Suitable Boy.

But I don't want him to just be suitable...

Definition of suitable:

• having the required skills for an acceptable level of performance
• meeting the requirements of a purpose or situation
• competent, fit, appropriate, proper, right, as it should be.

Definiton of ideal:

• existing as an archetypal (the original pattern or model of which all things of the same type are representations or copies : prototype; also : a perfect example) idea
• existing as a mental image or in fancy or imagination only; broadly : lacking practicality; relating to or constituting mental images, ideas, or conceptions
• of, relating to, or embodying an ideal; conforming exactly to an ideal, law, or standard : perfect — compare real

I want ideal! I want perfect! I want to know that he was made for me... that he could only fit perfectly with me. That I complete him. Not that we were just lucky to come across each other.. because he's the mold that can fit into anyone's heart. I want the one just for my heart.

Is that too much to ask?

Time for Change

Life got a little harder this year. I got a little bit more depressed... family life got a little bit more crazy... my job got a little crappier... my debt got a lot bigger. Oh the list can go on and on. But worse of all, I lost hope. I didn't think it was possible. But I was sure that God forgot about me. I didn't stop believing entirely... I just stopped believing for me. I could see all the great things God was doing for those around me... but for me, things were looking a little fuzzy. It only seemed to be getting worse. And all the promises He made seemed to get lost in all the mistakes I made. I was sure it was my fault... I must've not done something or not enough of something else. Or maybe it was all the things I was doing. Needless to say... I lost hope. I felt like I was sitting in the middle of a very dark tunnel... too far to go back and to scared to go forward. Where was the end of this tunnel?

I just turned 24 this summer. But in my eyes... my life is almost done. Maybe it's because of all the dreams I had... hoping for certain things at a certain age. I probably shouldn't have put a time limit on life... I thought I was being goal-oriented. But everyone seems to have the same reaction to my sentiments... I am so young. I probably am too young to feel like life has lost hope.

So it's time for a change...

I'm moving to Toronto.

I've been throwing this around for a few years. But finally I'm going to do it. Just the thought makes me very excited. I am a firm believer in change... it helps keep perspective. And I need a lot of things to change... so moving to another city seems like the best thing.

Firstly, moving will give me a change of career! I should be able to find a job that I love and that pays me something that I deserve! And this job... will help me to deal with debt situation. That will be a big weight lifted off my head. Debt is almost crippling... I can't go anywhere or do anything. And since it isn't going to be cleared miraculously, I should get a better paying job!

Secondly, I'll be moving out of my house! I think I have reached the age where I'll have a better relationship with my mom if I didn't live under her roof. We just might have more things to talk about. But I won't be living on my own quite yet. But I am excited to live with another family... to learn the way another family is run... and to learn about a two-parent home... to learn from successful people.

It's also going to be great to change churches. I'm not very good at church-hopping but I know that my church and I are not moving in the same direction. It has become so difficult for me... to not be able to grow there. So hopefully I find somewhere that can help me grow.

And of course I'm excited to move away from the city where my heart has been broken one too many times. I'm still not sure if changing cities will really help... but I think it might make it easier. I'll have less memories in my face... less opportunities of bumping into someone... and more opportunity just to move on.

I know that I will face different obstacles by moving but I am going to try to believe that... things will get better.................. I will be better!