Token "Black" Girl

I need to go on a little rant!

I hate being the token black girl... and then having it pointed out!

I've been the token black girl for most of my life. Which is fine! I've always went to multicultural schools where I hung out with everyone! My past best friends have represented most of the nations of the world... and my present friends do to. So I have often been known as the tall black skinny girl! I get it... easiest way to point me out in a crowd or describe me to someone else!

But what I don't like is when being the token black girl makes me insanely uncomfortable. Where I wish that I wasn't... or I feel lower then everyone else. THIS is not a good feeling! And this feeling doesn't come from the stranger on the street screaming out N*gger... or from the women in the store following me around. This feeling of being ostracized comes from actually hanging around with people!

I felt uncomfortable a lot while helping my friend plan her wedding. I kept hearing comments like "Well we're not black so we can't do that" or "Well all of North America does that... except for you" or "We couldn't walk down the aisle to a song you would pick because we don't like R&B".

The problem with all of these comments is that they were soooooooooooooooooooo off! They were unnecessary comments to make and weren't even applicable! Everyone just assumed what I was thinking instead of asking me... everyone just assumed that I knew nothing about a "white" wedding!

I've also felt pretty uncomfortable while hanging out with a former co-worker's friend. She'll continue to make comments about being black and white... as she is of mixed race and feels that she can do that! But all the while making me feel like I'm so beneath everyone for looking fully black. She'll make comments about how I don't go to certain places because there's no black people there... or how I wouldn't want to go into that bar because there's no black people. The worse was when she told everyone that it was obvious that I knew the song that the DJ was playing because it was by a black artist! I almost felt like I should stop talking to everyone... because I was so beneath them and I shouldn't interact with people of other races even if I knew how! Which apparently I didn't!

My best friend is going to be reading this wondering when I'm going to say that I'm not black! hahaha!

I'm not fully black! My mother is of hispanic and desi (indian) descent... while my father is mostly black. So I'm of mixed-race!

And I don't even really identify with being black. It's too broad. And when people think of black they APPARENTLY think of Jay-Z or Beyonce... talking ghetto and listening to hip hop... wearing bling and Baby Phat! But that's just a small part of those who are considered black! There's Africans, West Indians and Hispanics... each of them have a completely different culture; they don't use the same slang or dress the same way... they don't listen to the same music or have the same ideals.

I do identify with being a Canadian West Indian... and that's by choice because not everyone in my house identifies with it. I like having made the choice to what defines me... I'm not going to follow society's idea of what being black is just because of how much melanin God gave me!

And I just wish people took the time to ask me what I was all about. Instead of just assuming. Ask me why I wear gold or if my hair is real... ask me what kind of music I listen to and if most of my friends are black! And if you even take the time to really talk to me... you'll realise that I sound like a Valley Girl and often say random words in Italian!

I'm still trying to figure out what to do in those moments when I feel like I'm beneath everyone else for being black... I am praying that I don't have to be in that situation again, but that might just be wishful thinking!

My "WARNING" Tag Woud Say...

A few months ago, a fellow blogger had written a blog about things that people should know about her... if they really knew her. I found it really interesting. And as I have started a new job and started hanging out with different people, I have become more aware of things that I probably should have told them after I told them my name. Like...

(1) I laugh really loud... like REALLY loud! And I'll do it when we're in public... on the phone... when we're just chilling... in the movies theatre... at the office. I can't control it... I laugh loud!

(2) I'm quite touchy! I'm always making some kind of physical contact... whether I'm walking into you or kicking you or grabbing you're arm. I know no physical boundaries... I'll lick you're face and jump in your lap and rub my face in you're arm and grab your nipple. Oops ;)

(3) I don't often finish my food. I have a small stomach. I can look at food and get full! I do feel bad for those who are starving in other countries... and TRUST, if I could mail it to them, I would!

(4) I'm always cold and rarely hot. I wear 3 layers of pants in the winter... and sleep w/at least 1 blanket all year round!

(5) I'm completely and utterly insecure! I always think everyone is laughing at me... which makes me really awkward in a large group. I think no one will like me or I have nothing of any value to say or my breath smells... either way! I'm pretty confident that I should just not talk. If I could be invisible, I'd be quit happy.

(6) I love passionately with all of my being. It's a risk but that's just a part of the thrill.

(7) I have a very hard time saying no. I actually don't think I ever say it. Hence why the past 2 weekends I have volunteered instead of sleeping in like I really wanted to! Or why I'm often double-booked and end up praying someone will just cancel with me!

(8) I am usually performing for an invisible camera that follows me around... I'm on a reality TV show and I'm the main character. And since it's all about me... I get to look directly at the camera and talk to my viewers ;)

(9) I'm a bit of a square... I would eat at the same restaurant and order the same thing for the rest of my life if I could. And it'd most likely be a BigMac trio w/a coke w/no ice!

(10) I hate using the phone! If I call you at all it's because I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that you actually like me and aren't going to yell at me... or I've avoided you for so long I know that I have made the whole situation a zillion times worse.

Worth the Wait

Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. I don't care if you say it isn't a holiday. It is for me! I love all its commercialness... I love chocolate and flowers and candy and cards... I love red and sometimes pink. And I love love! And having never had a boyfriend... ever... let alone for Valentine's Day... it doesn't really represent a couple thing for me. Since College, I'd ask a friend that I'm close with to be my Valentine so that I could buy all those fun things. And I'd usually get flowers from my brother... so really, it was a great holiday!

This year, a week before Valentine's Day, I went to see "He's Just Not that Into You"... what a big mistake. It left me feeling so terrible depressed about all the guys that were just NOT that in me. It's a sad sad realization. And yes, I did realize it before but the movie just resurfaced all those terrible feelings. I don't think I've recovered yet.

I watched a video on Facebook a few nights ago... it was of a Pastor preaching to single guys... telling them how to find their wife. In a small nut shell, he said that you should just grow a set and ask her out... to her face... to dinner. Don't facebook her or text or... and don't ask her to movie. And he said that girls should just walk away from guys you don't put the effort into you. It was interesting because it wasn't so much that he's just not that into you... it was more that he just doesn't know how to treat you. Either way, don't date him.

A few minutes later I got a text asking if I wanted to go to the movies.

A co-worker asked me recently how long was my longest relationship... and instead of just facing the shame of it all... I said that I date jerks. Which is true! And then he asked me why I did this to myself... is it because I'm afraid of commitment.

Maybe... but I think only jerks ask me out...

It's hard to not think that has something to do with me. Like what on my forehead says that I don't deserve a real date... to a real restaurant... where he pays? And what about me says that I don't deserve to meet his friends? Or that I'm not worth the title girlfriend or a commitment?!?

I was asked a few weeks ago what type of do I like. I didn't answer... it was a guy asking. I felt awkward telling him that it was a bunch of things he probably wasn't. But then, I knew that it didn't matter the type I liked because I always settle. My standards are high but at the end of the day... I sell myself short.

I think I'm done selling myself short. I think it's time I honored my own personal standards. And stopped settling for a moment's glimpse of what love may look like...

And this may mean that I'll be single for a very VERY long time... because yes, my standards are quite high. But at least when he comes along, I'll know he's the one and hopefully... he'll know I'm worth it.

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Proverbs 31:10

Kisha's Hierarchy of Friends

I think I call like a zillion people in the WORLD my best friend! Unfortunately, over time my actual best friends at the time got quite offended. They didn't get how I could use the words so flippantly! But sometimes "friend" just didn't suffice my sentiments! I needed to add an adjective there... and "best" was all I had. In 2006 though anyone with a brain was my best friend... maybe I did take it a little too far.

A few weeks ago, I told this guy who I just met that he was my first Brampton friend. He was quite shocked. I think I sounded a bit needy! He didn't really get how we were ALREADY friends. So to make sure he didn't runaway from me and leave me without any friends... I quickly devised my theory of friendship. I was pretty impressed with myself because it actually made sense. I've been wanting to share this with you guys for awhile to see what people thought... and maybe I could end up in a text book or something! LOL

My 6-levels of friendship is a hierarchy triangular theory. So basically the first level of the triangle is the biggest meaning that there are more people that fit in there... but as u climb this "ladder" the space gets smaller... not too many people fit in there.

The first level of friendship is ACQUAINTANCE and is obviously the biggest one. I have a lot of acquaintances... and only a small percentage of them are my Facebook friends. And I have 502 Facebook friends today! I even deleted a few of them during purification ceremonies! lol. But these are the people who I acknowledge in public... with a nodd or smile or wave. Sometimes will have a nice little chat about where they're at in life, the weather or something else very pertinent but not personal. Sometimes I know their names... sometimes I don't. It's okay though... we're happy just having that short little interaction. Especially if we're at a party and the people we came with left us... then you love your acquaintances... you might even hug them!

But sometimes your acquaintances become your FRIEND and this just means that you start making plans. So when you bump into them randomly, one of you usually says, "OMG! We should totally grab a coffee! Here's my number! You should definitely call me!" And then years go by and you see them again and you say the exact same thing! I love it! I love all these random invitations that very rarely happen. I'm not usually offended when things don't happen. I'm usually the one who doesn't show up though... because I'm ridiculously shy... and hate awkward situations. So if I only met you a few times and then you invite me out, I probably won't come! I just need a few more conversations with you before we spend any alone time!

Though there are times when these plans actually do pan out and then, according to me and my theory, these are your BEST FRIENDS. I could be jumping the gun here... maybe "good" would be a better adjective but "best" just sounds a lot more exciting when you yell it out across the room! But my best friends are those people who have actually taken the time to get to know me and follow-through with plans. They usually know random facts about who I am... and we send each other Christmas cards. And we also start making BIGGER plans! I think we everyone that I've called a best friend we have shared a dream... whether it's a business venture or a vacation... we're making BIG plans. And to me, it doesn't really matter if these pan out or not... it's quite fun to dream w/them anyways!

The next level is BINGE FRIENDS and they are my everyday friends. We make big plans and regular plans. I probably see my binge friends once a week and usually talk to them every other day. I'm lost without my binge friends! They keep me sane by knowing just about every small detail of my life and of theirs. They're the people I call when I wanna go shopping or catch a movie or just get out of my house. We do nothing most of the time and often talk about the same things all the time but it doesn't matter cos we just love being together.

Usually though, you can only binge a person for so long. Thankfully though binging has evolved since I was in grade school... cos honestly that was really intense! But after binging someone for awhile the automatically become FAMILY. These friends could probably get a key to my house if they wanted to. We know each other's parents and don't mind kicking it with them until you get home. And the thing about family friends is that you don't have to talk to them all the time to know that they love you. You could talk to them once a year and the friendship would still be strong! You know that you'll still be in each other's wedding and that your kids will call them auntie/uncle. And you know that when there's any kind of significant event like a break-up or a new job... that you'll be calling your family friends to let them know!

Unfotunately sometimes you do lose contact with them... especially as you get older. But there's always a special bond anyways. And often in my experience, I want these family friends to be something more. I don't want to just hear from them for the milestones but also for the little stones... the everyday things in life. Whenever you have someone on a certain level and you're not that type of friend for them...it's frustrating. Because you expect that person to be there for you in a certain way and they aren't.

As of right now I only have one BESTEST FRIEND who has climbed this interesting ladder of friendship. It was tough but she made it. I would describe her as my binge family friend... like we just can't get enough of each other. She's an active part of my life and I'm an active part of hers.

So that's my 6-level friendship model. I love that I can fit all my friendships into it... hehehe. But that doesn't
mean I value anyone's relationship over another... it just explains why I call everyone my best friend and why I get more frustrated with some people!!!

Bizzzzzzzzzzzzzack!

I still can't believe I'm in Montreal.

I honestly didn't plan on ever coming back. Obviously, I didn't know what the future held but I thought I would spend a few years in Toronto... live with my uncle, get a good job, pay off my debt, get my own place, save up and start a business... most likely in Toronto. But apparently God had other things in store.

I knew since after High School that I wanted to go live with my uncle. And after University I felt God told me that I needed to go to prepare me for my life... and I saw a red carpet begin to unravel in front of me so that I could walk on it. And then a year based and I finally went. I knew God had things to show me... but I just assumed it would take a while! Who knew that it would only take a few weeks! Usually God is not fast enough for me... and suddenly, I'm the one who's trying to catch up with Him.

The Sunday before I decided to leave, I felt God say to me that He was SENDING me to Montreal. Now for God to say sending, it's a pretty big deal. It means that you're going for His purposes... on His mission. I was so nervous. I was nervous that I would fail Him... and just go back to the way my life was before I moved. That I would return to my selfish Chrisitanity... go back to the daycare... and go back to living in denial and ignorance.

But when I was on the Coach bus, I started to feel like I was coming back to face my dragons. I know that sounds a little crazy... a little Bruce Lee but that's how I felt. There were things that I avoided because I had always planned on moving... things that I didn't work through or deal with. And now it was time to face them. So that they could stop haunting me. Like, w/Bruce Lee! But I was so scared. I could feel them as soon as the bus hit downtown... for some reason I have a lot of dragons.

The best thing about being a Christian is that it isn't about me though. I often try to make it about me and try to do things on my own. But I am continuously reminded that I can't do anything w/o God.

As soon as I walked through the front door though, I knew that I was different. God had changed me. AMEN! I was so amazed at how much I had matured and grown in such a short amount of time... leaps and bounds! And others noticed it too.

I came back home for an interview and then I escaped for a week to London, ON. Now that I'm back I have received a full-time and part-time job. So things are going to be very busy. And I'm nervous and also very excited.

I love that I can only boast about God for my growth and maturity as well as for these jobs. I'm in complete awe at how good He is to me. And not because I deserve it, but just because He loves me :)

This is what the Lord says:
"Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom
or the strong man boast of his strength
or the rich man boast of his riches,

but let him who boasts boast about this:
that he understands and knows Me,
that I Am the Lord, who exercises kindness,
justice and righteousness on earth,
for in these I delight."
declares the Lord
Jeremiah 9:23-24

So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord [...]
But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God,
who has saved us and called us to a holy life--
not because of anything we have done
but because of His own purpose and grace.
This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time.
2 Timothy 1:8-9

Down to the Nitty Gritty

Since being on my journey, my view of Christianity has changed quite a bit. That's in part due to the fact that before moving, I wasn't very excited about the whole religion thing... and I've also read some really good books. And of course they changed my life! But I honestly think they might change your life too. I would even call them mandatory reads... like the Bible! The first was "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. And the other was "The Shack" by William P. Young.

Both of them reminded me what Christianity is all about. Which is something I needed because I forget so often... I get caught up in all the hype... oh yeah, the Christianity hype and I completely forget why I even chose to follow this Christ person! And then I get hurt... as most people do by this church institution... and then I really wonder what I'm doing. But these books brought Christianity back to the nitty-gritty... to the simple truth of what it's all about.

Just incase you don't know what raw Christianity is... I'll let you know. It's about Love. Loving God and loving others. And trust me this isn't as simple as its said. Trying to accomplish either of these things is quite a hard task... I'm much better at ignoring God and smiling at others... maybe I should start a religion based on that. I would be a religious guru! Though I'm sure most of us have mastered the art of ignoring God and smiling at others.

I've also been reading a few issues of the Christian magazine Relevant. Mainly because I want to start writing for magazines and thought I would get a few ideas. But while reading this magazine, I was so convicted of my Christianity.

From cover to cover this magazine talks about people who are showing love... who are real live demonstrations of raw Christianity. Though books change my life and remind me of all the good stuff, I can still act like its something unattainable... because its in a book. But then I'm faced with the reality that people are actually living like Jesus did.

I remember once a youth leader sharing William Booth's vision... of people drowning and sinking in a raging sea while others sat safely on a platform. And of those who were safe... some of them were going back into the sea to rescue those still struggling. While the other safe ones just seemed to ignore them. William was says he was amazed in his vision, that those who were saved and then went back into the sea... didn't seem to care about the risk they were taking.

The Bible tells us that there is no greater love then laying down your life for another. Love is shown in your sacrifice... of your safety, time, money and energy. Love is selfless... it doesn't think about what can you do for me but what I can do for you! How can I bring hope to your life.

One of my favorite quotes which has been inaccurately attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson ends off with... "To know that even one life has breathed easier because of you. This is to have succeeded."

I'm tired of leading a selfish life... of trying to get success in money or a great job or a nice house. I'm tired of always thinking about my needs and what I'm lacking. I'm tired of focusing on what I want from life and from God.

I'm especially tired of putting off loving others... I keep saving it for when I'm better... when I'm happier or more stable. God forbid I died and didn't do any of it... oh, how sad it would be to know that I left this earth without ever really loving those who needed. That I stayed on that platform in my safety and watched others drown because I didn't want to get wet or take a risk.

I've taken stupider risks in my life... its time to start willing to risk it all for something that does matter... someone else's hope. I've gotten out the boat for things that would benefit me... it's time to start doing what I should be doing.

It's hard to call yourself a Christian because we all fall so short. And I know that I won't be perfect at being selfless... but I can at least die trying.

Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world.

James 1:26-27 (Msg)

•

... "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
"What is written in the Law?" [Jesus] replied. "How do you read it?"
He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart
and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all you mind'; and,
'Love your neighbor as yourself.' "
"You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live."
Luke 10:25-28

•

The Spirit of the Soverering Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfor all who mourn,

and provide for those who grive in Zion--

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

The will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of His splendor."

Isaiah 61:1-3

Wholeheartedly

The thought of going back to Montreal is quite saddening. Though I don't really think I'm one, somewhere in the back of my mind I definitely feel like a failure. That those who don't know me... or don't read this blog... will think I'm a failure. Like I couldn't hack it... or I've made yet another bad decision.

I'm like the queen of bad decisions or broken dreams... or things just not panning out the way I thought they would or the way I want them to. Like I've said before... I'm really not a pink covered book. I've had business ventures fall through... relationships become non-existant... vacations that I'm still paying for... jobs that I quit and end up right back at... an education that doesn't lead me to anything... the list goes on and on.

And now Toronto just fits right in... I thought it would be forever but once again, it didn't work out. Just like that business I got an account for or all my beauty products I planned to see or that party I invested 1000's of dollars or that guy I thought I would marry or that friend who I thought I would grow old with.

It's hard not to look at everything as a failure... and to not look back on my life as a big broken dream. But I'm sure people see it that way... actually people have told me they see it that way.

A few weeks ago I was watching Christina Applegate's sitcom, Samantha Who? where she was talking about all her bad relationships. She wanted to try to just forget about men for awhile because she was always falling in love and then getting heartbroken. But then her dad told that it was just who she was and it just showed that she was living.

I liked that.

I would rather look back on my life, not as a bunch of mistakes but rather... a bunch of risks I took. I tried things... and no they didn't work out but at least I tried. I take risks... I leap and jump and test the water... with my whole self! And more often then not, do I have to get back in the boat. But that's okay! Because at least I know I'm alive.

Someone once asked me if everything I do is calculated. And I was so offended because he was totally saying that I'm not spontanoeus... and now I realise, I'm a lot more of a risk-taker then he thought!

So yes, my life may look like it's filled with a zillion mistakes... and that is probably what most of you see. But trust me, in the end... everything will have worked out perfectly!

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:28 (NLT)

Year of the Heart... a year for Change

This year, the holiday were like a whirlwind. They came so fast blowing around everything in its past and leaving me to pick up the pieces. I still haven't full recovered. And now I'm left wondering what I want for 2009.

I really didn't like 2008. It started out pretty positive with me getting my license after how long! And my adorable nephew being born! And I also got to work at the daycare full-time w/a group of kids that I adore. But then it quickly went down hill. I went into a depression and started just hating life. And instead of sleeping it all away like I usually do... I decided that I would just make it worse. I might as well make the most of the crap I had to deal with... what a stupid thing to do. I put myself in more debt just because I could and had a random fling that left me feeling more lonely. Many of my relationships dwindled... especially with God and those who encouraged me in my Christianity. I blamed it on my depression but it was probably more about shame. I didn't want to talk about what I was doing... I didn't want to face the reality. I just wanted to screw it all up worse. Thinking about I'm so dumbfounded... I almost acted like someone told me I had 3 months to live! BUT I DIDN'T! Then I quit my steady job for a pretty crappy seasonal job... only to end the summer with just a bit more debt and a lot more depression!

In August, I had made the decision to move to Toronto. I'm sure I gave a zillion reasons for this but there were 2 main ones. (1) I hoped that a change of scenery would end my depression. I wanted to get away from everything that I thought depressed me... family, work, fake friends, horrid relationships, a zillion mistakes! I just wanted to run away from them all. And I believed that once I did... I would be a better me. And (2) I chose Toronto as the city to become this better me because of my uncle and aunt. I wanted the experience of living with them... I felt that God wanted me to learn from them about marriage and financial success. I honestly could've went anywhere in the world... London was looking REALLY good but I wanted to be w/this family.

2008 was the year of new beginnings. And for me it was the year of faith. But for God new years seems to always be in September... which I get cos that's the new school year! But it was only in September that I started to get serious again. I was done screwing up my life and my relationships. I was done running away from God. I thank my Fairy Tale friend for reminding me that God is good... and His promises are real. And though this year I lost a lot of good people to death, distance and bad decisions. I still saw so much beauty... through weddings, engagements and births. I also had the opportunity to mend a broken relationship.

I love reflecting during the holidays... I'm able to refocus on what I'm doing and make sure I'm on the right track and that I'm exactly where I should be. I also like to see how far I've come... because if I'm not growing then what's the point?!? I want to look back to make sure that I've grown, learnt and matured. That I'm not the same girl I was last year... I'm better... I'm closer to the woman I'm suppose to be.

I feel like I've changed a lot. I'm definitely not the same girl I was in August. My friends fiance said to me that when you move... you grow leaps and bounds. That was some serious truth. I didn't think that in such a short amount of time I could grow and learn so much. But I know that I'm different... even if you don't see it yet.

And because of that I don't know if I'm going to stay in Toronto *gasp*

I realised my motivation for coming here wasn't based on truth.

A friend asked me a few weeks ago if I thought that I was running away. I told her that I thought I was moving on... actually, I realised I am running away. And it followed me here. I'm still depressed. It isn't going to go away with new surroundings. It's very real. And if I keep running from it then I won't ever get rid of it. It's time to face my fears... lay down my pride and just say that I need help.

I also recognized that I don't need a pseudo-father anymore. A spiritual father, yes (you're still good Pdiddy)... and a real father yes... but a pseudo one just isn't necessary when I have God. He's a perfect father... why should I go around seeking anything else. God tells me I'm beautiful and special and important... He tells me I'm worthy and lovely and that He has great plans for me. I am fulfilled. So now I can love my real father... I need to focus on him and loving him. Because I'm good. I need to stop looking for someone else to satisfy me in ways only God can.

I also noticed that I don't view success the same way. My sister-in-law is probably saying FINALLY ;) But I don't need a 2-door garage in my cottage house w/my 7 bathrooms and 9 tv's! I don't need an amazingly great job that gets me bank. Yes, I do want an island in my kitchen and I want my bedroom to be connected to a walk-in closet thats connected to a master bathroom... but honestly! If I don't have real relationship does any of that matter? If I don't have love does it matter how much money I make? Can I take it with me? And YES, I do need to make money and I do need to pay off my debt... but that should not be my focus. God can take care of that easily... I need to keep my focus on the things that really matter... and that's relationship and community.

I've also stopped neglecting the value of a church family. I was never into the whole church family. I had my own family, why on earth would I want more people in business telling me what to do?!? But being away from my church, I realised how much I need their love. It truly is a reflection of God's heart... because just like He's working in me... He's working in them too... to learn how to show unconditional love. And yes, I do have amazing people in my life who love me beyond measure... but my church is full of people who do it. And I'm not saying they're perfect... cos we all know none of us are perfect... but I'm happy to know God is working in them. And I miss that love immensely. My pastor told me a few weeks ago to just stop thinking and realise that I am loved... I did.

I've also reaffirmed how much I want a Jesus-loving family... that focuses on community and relationship. I want a husband who will encourage me and pray with me. Who will want to grow and help me grow.... who will train up my sons to protect and love with honor... and tell my daughters they are beautiful, smart princesses who deserve a prince. I want to guide my children to pursue Jesus and relationship.

And of course God has taught me tons about our relationship! I've learnt so much about faith this year... I guess that's what I get for tattooing it my arm. And I'm still learning how to trust God completely... to rest in Him like I trust that my bed won't break when I'm sleeping. I'm still learning to know that my life is in His Hands and that no matter what I do... He'll make sure that His plans and purposes will come to pass. Even if He has to send talking animals or angels... He'll get the job done. I'm learning to except that I'm a rough uncut diamond... that He's trying to smooth out... and He probably won't be finished in this life time but I can trust that I become more and more beautiful everyday. And because of that... I don't wnt to boast about my own accomplishments... I only want to boast about Him. Oh what a joy it would be for people to see His Hand in my life... for those who don't know Him to see how real He is by how far He has brought me. That they will see how much I don't deserve anything that I got but He's so good that He gave it to me anyways. That they will know of Gods love through all that He has done for me... and long to have Him do the same in their life. I want them to know I'm a Jesus-lover without ever saying it...

Obviously, many of these things have been relearnt and reaffirmed. They were told to me before but never took heart. Our learning's are like onions... we peel away a layer and think we got it until another layer is peeled. Each one hurts more... we cry more but by the end it's gone... we got it! And I'm sorry to the people that have been telling me most of these things for years... but thank you for your patience!

So I go into 2009 quite excited... I don't know what it holds... I don't know really know where I'm going but I'm trusting my really Big God that everything will work out just as He wants it to. And if I stay in Toronto, I know that it'll be good. But if I go back to Montreal... I won't think that I wasted my time. I gained so much... and believe that it is a stepping stone to the path that I need to be on.

My favorite verse in the Bible is Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." And I once read that the Hebrew word for future is like a man rowing a boat... he rows forwad looking at the past w/his back to the future. We can't see where we're going but we can see how far we've come. And we need to trust... that we're going where we should be.

I pray that you recognize all that you've accomplished and learnt in 2008 but continue to move forward with it. Don't stay there... grow, learn... live! And as a friend has said... as well as Obama... now is the time for change! This is the year for change... to make a difference in your life and others. It's also the year of the heart... the year of love. And love is what makes a difference... love is what changes us.

Happy New Year!

Happy Jesus' Birthday!

Christmas was never one of my favorite holidays... even when I was little. Growing up I knew there wasn't a Santa and that I wasn't going to get everything (or anything) that I asked for. It was hard for my mom to try to give us the best Christmas she could... filled with turkey and presents. But my mom's a star and God always found a way to give a Christmas. When I got older, I started to enjoy the hustle and bustle of Christmas. I wanted to give everyone in my family the perfect gift and enjoyed shopping for it. But the past 2 years my family and I gave up on the idea of givng gifts... what a beautiful thing. I absolutely love our un-commercial Christmas. It helps me to remember what this holiday is all about... because decorated evergreens, candy canes and turkey just don't do it for me. So now I do it Charlie Brown style!

As a Christian, Easter was always more important to me then Christmas. But this year, I began to understand that Jesus coming to earth was just as important as Him leaving it. He came for me! He left heaven and His throne to show me the way... to set an example for me. He didn't just take away my sins, He gave me something to live for!

For God so loved the world that He gave

His one and only Son,

that whoever believes in Him shall not perish

but have eternal life.

John 3:16

•

Jesus answered,

"I am the way and the truth and the life..."

John 14:6

•

For to me,

to live is Christ

and to die is gain.

Philippians 1:21

It's Not About Me

Over a zillion times in my life, I've heard people and have even said myself, "Don't take this personally but..." or just "Don't take it personal". And I still have no idea what it means. Actually, I'm in the process of googling it to find out if anyone out there knows. Apparently not! It's just another one of the phrases we say too much and now one really knows what they're saying. Maybe I should ask one of my uber smart friends :P

Up until recently though, that phrase use to really make me upset! Because it would always come right before someone giving me some criticism. "Don't take this personally, but you're a horrible person!" What the heck?!? How do I not take it personally... YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ME! So instead of trying to figure how I'm not suppose to be taking all these random facts about myself personally... I just took everything personally! And that only got me as far as my bed with the covers over my head crying... about what a horrible person I am. All my mistakes, all my failures, all my sins, all my weaknesses, all the things I needed to work on, all the missed opportunities... EVERYTHING was taken straight to heart.

And taking things personally started to make me upset with God. Because I wanted to know why He did this to me?! Why did He make me like this? Why didn't He fix things?

A few weeks ago, a guest preacher at the church I go to Brampton, shared that he had been diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago. And instead of believing what the medical report was he was going to stand on the report of the Lord. Amen! And then he was talking to the congregation about things that we might be going through. And how we need to believe the promises God has made to us and stand firm in it. And then he said it... "Don't take your struggle personally". And I was confused because I was thinking... obviously I'm going to take it personal! It's me! But he went on to say that it actually isn't about me. That my struggle... my weaknesses... my problems isn't about me and it isn't because God is cruel. It's just a part of a bigger picture that isn't about me as well!

Verrrrrrrrrrrrry interesting Roosevelt Hunter!

So it isn't about me?!?! So even though it really sounds like it's about me... it's not! I don't have to take this personally... I can just give it to God and continue doing my thing!?!

Why yes I can!

So lately, I've been realising all the things in life that I take personally. And then I stop. I remind myself that it isn't about me and that God is working things out. And I just need to remain obedient and trust Him!

All these people earned a good reputation because of their faith,

yet none of them received ALL that God had promised.

For God had something better in mind for us,

so that they would not reach perfectiong without us.

Therefore, since we are surrounded

by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith,

let us strip off every weight that slows us down,

especially the sin that so easily trips us up.

And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.

We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus,

the champion who initiates and perfects our faith...

Hebrews 11:39-12:2

My Confessions -- Part 3

While I was in back Montreal, my little cousin was alone for the weekend in the house with my uncle. She was pretty upset with me for not coming back in time to be with her. Then one night, she MSNed me to let me know that her dad was telling her stuff that I told him about my life.

I froze.

I have a pretty bad memory for the things that come out of my mouth. And this is a major problem for me cos I lie AND I don't have any sort of cover over my mouth.

I still remember standing at the top of the mountain at the Base de Plein Aire with two of my fellow elementary classmates as they tell me that I have a big mouth! It was quite a sad and shocking realization. My best friend, who was the one making this statement, wasn't so impressed with me. I apparently broke her confidence in some way. And I can remember very similar situations in high school and in college.

I have a big mouth.

Those who really know me... know that it's not because I'm malicious. Often I'm talking about myself and their situation pertains to me. Or someone asks me something...and I always get caught! When it isn't family, I am usually pretty good now at being like "Uh... maybe you should ask them yourself". But apparently, when my uncle asked me about my cousin, I didn't say that.

I want people to trust me. I want to be worthy of their trust.

And being a big mouth makes me into a gossiper. And gossip turns into rumors. And then they all become a fire that kepts getting fed which causes it to grow! Until it's ugly and unsurmountable. Suddenly you don't even know what's true... or what's your feelings or what are the feelings of those around you. I hate gossip.

Because I know I'm quite susceptible to gossip... I have made it a point to have friends who aren't friends. So I can call one of my friends and vent... and it doesn't matter cos they're arbitrary. My friends see each other whenever I decide... random shopping events or holidays. But other then that there's no connection. And then you know that you have their confidentiality cos really who are they gonna tell?!?

Unfortunately, with my family it's still a big problem. How do I tell my grandma to go ask the person themself?!? Or if they didn't tell her she just doesn't need to know?!? There must be a polite and respectful way to do this. Because I hate the fires that are fueled in my family. I hate that we talk about one another and call it caring... when we don't have the cojones to just really talk to the person.

I believe that venting is necessary. I'm a venter! It's what I do... hence my blog! I need to just get everything off my chest. But I need to make sure to not do in a way that is detrimental to the person I'm venting about. And sometimes you wanna vent to the people you are close to... so I want to tell my grandma just how I feel about my brother... but that will definitely backfire!

I'm still learning... and I'm working on it. But to all those whose confidence I have broke, I'm genuinely sorry and I hope that you can forgive me. I'm praying for a cover over my mouth!

Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.

Proverbs 26:20

•

Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent,

and discerning if he holds his tongue.

Proverbs 17:28

•

My dear brothers, take note of this:

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry

James 1:19

•

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,

but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs,

that it may benefit those who listen.

Ephesians 4:29

I Have Decided...

My goodness! It feels like forever since I last wrote! How I miss this time of reflection! & I know you miss all my random thoughts ;) I have a bunch of topics that I want to talk about so this blog should be quite updated for the next few days!

Once again I am re-reading my favorite books, the Mark of the Lion Trilogy by Francine Rivers. I'm so happy I bought these books... cos now I can read them all the time. This set is actually the first book that I've ever re-read. Usually I'm pretty content reading a book once. But this book I can read a zillion times. I think this is my 3rd or 4th time reading them. And everytime I do... I get something else from it.

The book focuses on a few characters whose lives are somehow with one another but mostly it focuses on this one girl, Hadassah... who is a Christian when Rome conquered Jerusalem. I absolutely love this character... Hadassah has changed my life so many times. I always learn something new from her! The author used her to create such a simple and realistic way to be a Christian that you can't help but be inspired. Everytime I read the books I'm reminded what Christianity is all about... and the kind of person I'm maturing to be.

Of course the Trilogy has a love story in it. Hadassah and Marcus (a Roman) fall in love w/each other. But Hadassah is a slave in Marcus' house... but he falls in love with her still. Because she's so different. He keeps saying how she's unlike anyone he's ever met. She isn't like every other girl.

I want to be seen that way.

But I realised that the difference between Hadassah and I... well at least one of the many differences... is that she carries herself as one who is different. She has set apart herself from every other girl. She knows her worth and her purpose. She is following Christ wholeheartedly... standing on the things she believes in. No matter the sacrifice. She gives up the love of her life to follow God.

I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about being seen as nothing special. And I feel like I do things to try to stand out but not to God... Who really matters. I try to be seen as special to the world's standards. Am I really acting like I'm something special? Am I setting myself apart? Being true to who I really am and what I'm all about? Or am I just trying to be who I think someone else wants to me to be... mirroring what I see in their eyes... being like everyone else?

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Romans 12:1-2 (The Message)

* * *
If with heart and soul you're doing good, do you think you can be stopped? Even if you suffer for it, you're still better off. Don't give the opposition a second thought. Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master. Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you're living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy. Keep a clear conscience before God so that when people throw mud at you, none of it will stick. They'll end up realizing that they're the ones who need a bath. It's better to suffer for doing good, if that's what God wants, than to be punished for doing bad. That's what Christ did definitively: suffered because of others' sins, the Righteous One for the unrighteous ones. He went through it all—was put to death and then made alive—to bring us to God.

1 Peter 3:14-18 (The Message)

* * *

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

1 Corinthians 15:58 (New International Version)

* * *

Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

Hebrews 12:1-3 (The Message)

* * *

Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?

Matthew 16:24-25 (The Message)

Missing My Giraffe's

I'm always in a rush. I feel like I have so much to do and so little time. And I feel this mostly about the big stuff... my long-term goals and things I hope to accomplish. People keep having to remind me that I'm still pretty young and I have plenty of time. I'm not so sure about that. The way this world is going... I don't think I have much time at all. I'm frustrated by people who think we have time. My best friend thinks we have all the time in the world. No pressure. No rushing. You should see the two of us walking down the street together. I'm often a few feet in front her... we can't even carry on a conversation. I keep having to yell back "We're running out to time!".

I often look back on my life and think that I've wasted most of it. I'm probably making my past uglier then it actually is. Lately, in hindsight, I feel like I've wasted my time with getting the degree I got and having the jobs I've had... and even wasted my time with some of the company I've kept.

And I often think that I wasted my time not going to Toronto earlier. I had been planning on moving for years. After high school... after college... after university. And now I've moved after a year of being a university graduated. I must have been wasting time for that whole year. Because I wasn't in school... I didn't start my own business... or get married. What goals where accomplished during that time? None!

And of course life must be measured by accomplishments.

Okay fine! There were a few accomplishments. After graduation I went to Belize, Italy and England. Fine! I guess Europe was on my list of things to do. And then when I got back to home I got my driver's license. But then I was suppose to go to Toronto in January. And instead I stayed in Montreal. Obviously... I must have been wasting time.

I have finally accepted that I wasn't. That though those few months here were not on my list of things to do... I am truly happy I stayed.

I stayed in Montreal to work at the daycare with my kiddies.

Yup, they're mine.

I first worked with these kids when they were almost 3... and it was the first class I spent that much time with. And I loved them to bits. I don't usually have a favorite kid but I must say this was my favorite class. I don't know why... they were bad and didn't listen... but there was something about them that I absolutely adored. And after I stopped being their full-time teacher I would keep visiting them... and substituting in their class. So when I was offered to be their full-time teacher again... now that they were getting ready to graduate, I couldn't say no.

And I am so happy I didn't.

Those 11 kids will forever be my kiddies. We were a little family. I was their crazy big sister and they were my bratty lil brothers and sisters. We would have bad days together and good days together. When I was grumpy... they were grumpy. When I was pmsing... they were pmsing. When I was hyper... they were hyper. This wasn't always the best thing but it definitely made for an exciting day.

I remember one day I dropped an entire bottle of yellow paint on the floor. It splattered everywhere. I was so overwhelmed that I just stared at it wondering where to even start cleaning... when suddenly 11 little kids came running... one with the mop, others with paper towels, others with wipes... all to clean up mess. Then about 30 minutes later while baking, I dropped the brown sugar all over the floor. And again stood there overwhelmed... while they got the broom and paper towels to clean up my mess yet again. I honestly would've been lost w/o them. I would so often call them each others names... while someone would correct me. I would get my words all mixed up... while someone would help me. And because I was the only teacher, I often wouldn't have enough arms or eyes to be with everyone... so they would help each other with their art work. I depended so much on them and they were able to handle it. They were such an amazing group.

We were all artists... also known as emotional. So we made beautiful art... but it took a lot of tears and temper tantrums to get there. And even though other teachers didn't understand them... I did.

And the best thing is that I don't have any favorites in the class. Each of them were unique and special... and I loved them for it. But there are kids that I am closer with. Not because I sought them out... but because they did. I had some kids that were always sitting on my lap... or asking me a question. Some kids who followed me around to help or who always wanted to play with me. They were the kids that when the cried they wanted me to hold them. So yeah, we got a little closer then others. But that doesn't mean I didn't love all of them.

These kids made a big impact on my life. I don't really ever want to work with another group of kids because I loved these kids so much. And I am pretty confident that I impacted their lives as well. And by the reaction of their parents... I am pretty sure I did.

I actually just got back from having dinner at one of their houses. I wasn't sure if I was overstepping boundaries by texting one of the mom's to tell her I was in town. But I did it anyways... hoping for the best. I was truly blessed to be invited over. To be able to spend more time with one of my kiddies. To know that I wasn't forgotten.

So maybe somebody thinks I'm special :)

"Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me;

and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me."

Mark 9:37

But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me,

and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Luke 18:16

My Confessions -- Part 2

Before I start, I just wanted to remind everyone what my blog is all about. Incase you forgot or didn't know. I write this blog just to get my thoughts out. My journal didn't have enough pages for everything I have to say... especially since I write so big. I love writing... it's very therapeutic and I just make more sense writing then talking. And write to let you in on the psyche of me... what I'm dealing with and struggling with... just incase you can empathize. And I know so many of you can. This is not my way of getting you to worry about me. This is not me trying to get advice or counsel. But I do take cash! Hahaha. No but seriously... that's not what this is about. It's authentic but not personal. God told me to write... so that's what I'm doing.

Now that I've cleared that up... here's some more of my confessions.

This is one I've been in denial about for awhile. Or maybe I did know... and just never wanted to admit it. But when I was reading the Shopaholic books, I decided to face the reality. I accepted that not only are Rebecca Bloomwood and I addicted to shopping... we're liars.

The love of my life has been calling me a liar for the past 4 years. If he read this (thank God he doesn't) he'd tell me I should've just listened to him and stop living in denial which is the root of all my problems. And then I'd tell him I'm not in denial.

That's a lie though.

I am in denial.

No one wants to be a liar. Unfortunately some of us are.

I'm a liar for many different reasons. The main one being that I'm really lazy. I'll let you believe something that isn't true just because I don't have the energy to tell you that it isn't. This happens very often when I don't understand what you're asking me... and then I just agree with you... only to realise that I should not be agreeing with you. Or I don't really understand a question and then I answer some untrue randomness.

I also lie to keep myself from getting in trouble. I don't like facing consequences. I'd rather protect my backside with a nice little lie.

And the love of my life likes to consider exaggeration a lie as well. And if so, then I'm always lying! Cos I love a good exaggeration!

I also lie when I don't want to tell someone something. So instead of saying that it's none of your damn business... I'll just tell a nice little half-truth.

I honestly do hate being a liar. I get frustrated with myself... wondering why I couldn't just suck it up and say what's really good. I hate looking dumb or getting in trouble. It's easier to just lie.

And I don't know if people realise I'm a big liar. Only the love of my life has consistently caught me in lies. Yeah, that could've put a damper on a relationship!

So this is just another thing that I'm going to be working on as I begin my new journey... I hope it goes well.

Oh, and don't worry... I never lie to you... in this blog! ;)

"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just

and will forigve us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:8-9

Nothing Special

I've been wanting to write about this topic for so long. Since one of my heart-to-heart conversations with one of my girls in the car... that's where we have our heart-to-hearts. I miss having a car! But that's besides the point! So I kept wondering how I could bring this topic up... and I thought that I just would. Surprisingly en tough, life brought it up.

My past is ugly.

I guess other people might have an uglier past. But I'm not into comparing... at least not when I want to wallow! Though even if someone's is worse then mine... I hate my past. I spend a lot of time trying to run from it. I've blocked out a lot of it... and live in denial about most of it. Part of my moving out of Montreal had to do with leaving my past. Unfortunately, I don't know how well that worked.

My past is ugly for various reasons. Most of them having to do with bad decisions and stinky people. I've made a lot of mistakes... chosen a lot of crappy friends... and dated a lot of loser guys. I try not to live with regret (because "they" say you shouldn't) so I see what I've learned from my mistakes. Unfortunately somethings it took my longer to learn... or I may not even have caught on to some of the learning's yet actually. But I'm hoping I did.

I'm presently in Montreal now. When I got in, for reasons you're not ready to hear about (yeah that's right... YOU are not ready for it) I had to contact a few people from my past.

I would love to call them ex-boyfriends. But that they were not. They were... "friends". I think that's what they call themselves... I wonder if they call me something so wonderful. I doubt it.

I just want to be loved.

How cheesey is that?!? Well, it actually is only cheesey to say but we all feel that way. Everyone wants to be loved... or at least liked. And sometimes the real love you do have doesn't feel like enough. I have been known to look for love in all the wrong places... with the wrong people. From those who can give something that might look like a form of love at the moment... but that leaves you feeling more empty then when you woke up that morning. And you were sure you couldn't have felt any worse then you already did. Surprise! You always can feel worse!

Some of these "friends" are still acquaintances now. They are my facebook friends... and we wish each other Happy Birthday... or I wish them Happy Birthday. Two of them are even my msn friends... so every few months we'll have a nice little chat. Most of them I never see! And I think if we did... he wouldn't even say hello to me. He might just nodd or just look the other way.

And that's because I'm nothing special.

I'm not that girl. I'm not one that you actually date... or the one that you really like. I'm not the one you keep texting or calling. I'm not the one you take out to dinner. I'm not the one you tell your friends about. I'm not the one you remember. I'm just another girl... in the long list of girls. I'm rather unmemorable. I'm nothing special.

I try to be memorable. I'll buy you a teddy bear and leave it in your room. Or I'll make you a lasagna and deliver it to you at the library. I'll buy you a souvenir when I'm on vacation. I'll make time for you even when I don't have any. I'll bend over backwards for you even if I don't have to. I enjoy making them feel special... even if I'm not.

Because I just want to be loved.

I just want to feel loved.

I want to feel like I matter... like I'm important... like I'm valued. I want to be special enough that you'll make an effort. I want to be special enough that you'll keep calling. I want to be special enough that you'll forgive me. I want to be special enough that you'll still want to be with me even though I'm emotional and illogical... even though I make a zillion mistakes.

Upon coming back to Montreal, I was reminded of my ugly past... and how I'm nothing special. I'm reminded that I'm not even worth having my calls returned. I'm not even worth asking if I'm okay. I'm not even worth your time.

I'm happy I'm starting over. Moving away, I have a clean slate. I get to see if I've learned from mistakes... and maybe I'll actually find someone who loves me.

"God told them, 'I've never quit loving you and never will.

Expect love, love, and more love!

An so now I'll start over with you and build you up again....

Jeremiah 31:3-4

"And now, here's what I'm going to do:

I'm going to start all over again.

I'm taking her back out into the wilderness

where we had our first date, and I'll court her.

I'll give her bouquets of roses.

I'll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope...

I'll say to Nobody, 'You're my dear Somebody,'..."

Hosea 2:14,15 & 23

My Confessions -- Part 1

People kept saying that when you move out, you grow up... you become more independent and mature. I didn't really get what they were saying... especially since I was felelng like ms.independent since elementary school! But now that I'm here... I feel like growth is happening whether I want it to or not. I'm being challenged and stretched more than I want to be... about things that I tried to avoid about myself. I've always liked holding on to my bad qualities ;) They are mine... so I should just love them like every other part of me. Apparently, not! So now that I am literally out of my comfort zone, I'm staring at myself in the mirror realising that we (me, myself, and I) can't go on like this! So the next blogs should be about all the exciting things that are slapping me in the face... unless something wayyyyyyyy more interesting happens!

Before moving, I read all of Sophie Kinsella's paperback books. I started with the Confessions of a Shopaholic... finished that collection and then read her two independent stories. As most of you know, they were quite a trendy and popular book. The kind of books I like to avoid. But I also avoided it because it was what I like to call a "pink-covered" book. I don't read "pink-covered" books... they are superficial, fluffy and happy. No real issues in a "pink-covered" book. I much prefer gray/brown/black covered books with a splash of red and blue. These are real books! The people in them have hard lives! And the books don't often end happy.

If my life up til now were a book, it would definitely be shades of gray with splashes of red on the cover. It wouldn't have a happy ending... maybe the slight inclination of later-joy but most likely not. It'd be full of deaths, abuses, bad marriages, heartbreak, backstabbing. My book would make people cry. So since I wasn't a pink-covered book, I didn't read them. I much prefer empathy in the books I read.

Until one of my best friends told me that I should read the Confessions of a Shopaholic because the lead character is so much like me... she shops and has no money while her bills pile up!

Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice!

So yes, Rebecca Bloomwood and I have quite a lot in common... making the book absolutely hilarious. She's completed addicted shopping. And justifies it with so many of the same things that I justify it with... like making investments! Hahaha. I mean, honestly! Black trousers are DEFINITELY an investment... you cannot convince me others! And the only reason I have 2 pairs is because one comes w/suspenders and the other one doesn't! And Becky and I both ignore our bills... and convince ourselves that we will pay them so soon. And both are in complete shock when we do realise how much we actually spent. How quickly everything adds up is just unbelievable.

I am a Shopaholic... I spend money like I have a money tree growing in my backyard. I love buying clothes and gifts (mostly gifts). I especially love going on trips (especially with a plan)! But the important things... like tithing or buying a pair of glasses, I never have enough money for. And yes, I'm in a bit of debt. Ya, I said it! I'm in debt :(

The frustrating thing about not being a pink-covered book though is that I don't have a happy ending. Rebecca Bloomwood could make as many mistakes as she wanted... screw up her life completey but at the end of the book... she could pay off her bills, she had a great job, and her husband still adored her. Everything always worked out in the end. My novel would look NOTHING like that! I think my life has to fall apart completey before things start to fall into place... before anything starts to work out.

So recently God has been talking to me about the whole money issue. Yes, God talks. And He's pretty straight about the whole talking thing... no sugar-coating with God! I mean, He loves me completely and utterly so He knows how to get me thinking without making me cry. And He told me that I have no discipline!

And it's quite true... I don't have an self-discipline or self-control. I do whatever I want and pray that He fixes it. And I use faith as an excues for why I did it. I try to convince myself that I am trusting God by making stupid irrational decisions that I have to pay for... and still am paying for. And this isn't just for the way I am with money... it trickles into so many other aspects of my life. I'm not so big on self-control.

I have so many dreams though. So many things that I want to accomplish in my life. And now that I am here... I need to get serious about things. I need to figure out what I gotta do. So I'm going to work on this self-discipline. So I'm not spending unless it's to take the bus (even though I really need a new pair of boots)... I'm also going to look into getting something part-time at the grocery store or Walmart... while I continue job hunting. And I'm tithing!

Tithing is basically giving back to God what is rightfully His... which means giving Him 10% of my income. The whole thing is His... but all He asks for back is 10%. I haven't been really big on this whole tithing thing... most people have a lot of negative things to say about it. But since I've been in Toronto I read yet another life changing book (Blue Like Jazz)... and the author shared my views on tithing. Until he was confronted... and changed. Tithing isn't about getting back (which I thought it was... until I wasn't getting back) and it isn't about what the church does with the money (though I know what my church does with the money and it's not sketch)... what it IS about is obedience. It's about practicing self-discipline! And it IS about acknowledging that everything I have is God's! And I guess that I haven't acknowledged that... but it's about time.

It's about time to get serious...

"I am God—yes, I Am. I haven't changed.

And because I haven't changed, you, the descendants of Jacob, haven't been destroyed.

You have a long history of ignoring my commands. You haven't done a thing I've told you.

Return to me so I can return to you," says God-of-the-Angel-Armies.

"You ask, 'But how do we return?'

"Begin by being honest. Do honest people rob God? But you rob me day after day.

"You ask, 'How have we robbed you?'

"The tithe and the offering—that's how!

And now you're under a curse —the whole lot of you—because you're robbing me.

Bring your full tithe to the Temple treasury so there will be ample provisions in my Temple.

Test me in this and see if I don't open up heaven itself to you

and pour out blessings beyond your wildest dreams.

For my part, I will defend you against marauders, protect your wheat fields and vegetable gardens against plunderers." The Message of God-of-the-Angel-Armies.

"You'll be voted 'Happiest Nation.' You'll experience what it's like to be a country of grace."

God-of-the-Angel-Armies says so.

God says, "You have spoken hard, rude words to me.

"You ask, 'When did we ever do that?'

"When you said, 'It doesn't pay to serve God. What do we ever get out of it?

When we did what he said and went around with long faces,

serious about God-of-the-Angel-Armies, what difference did it make?

Those who take life into their own hands are the lucky ones.

They break all the rules and get ahead anyway.

They push God to the limit and get by with it.'" [...]

God-of-the-Angel-Armies said, "They're mine, all mine. They'll get special treatment when I go into action. I treat them with the same consideration and kindness that parents give the child who honors them. Once more you'll see the difference it makes between being a person who does the right thing and one who doesn't, between serving God and not serving him."

Malachi 3:6-18 (The Message)

Aliens from Planet Anglo-Montreal

One of the main reason's for me moving out of Montreal was for a change. To get away from everything I knew and to experience living somewhere else. To experience another city's culture. Unfortunately, in the beginning of this experience... all you see is the things you hate about this new place. Well, at least I do.

I think I've always known that Montreal has one of the best public transit systems... ever! I didn't really know what that meant though. Some people told me it's because it's fast. Other people said because it's clean. And I have used the transit system in NYC, London and Rome... and they all seemed quite nice to me... clean and pretty direct.

When moving to Toronto everyone said I would need a car. It always seemed like public transit wasn't an option because everything is so far. But no! Don't be fooled. There are many MANY other reasons why you should NOT use public transit in the GTA area. Besides that fact that it can cost you way too much money... they purposely want you to get lost. The GTA Transit DOES NOT want you to find your way back home. They really don't. They must get some sort of joy off lost people or something because it's just unrealistic how confusing and non-sensical they make the transit system. First of all they have a zillion transit systems in the GTA. There's the TTC, the GO transit, the Brampton transit, the Mississauga Transit, etc. Then the TTC has the subways, buses and streetcars. And the GO has the train and the bus. And somehow all of the interconnect. So to get somewhere you might have to start with Brampton bus to a Sauga bus to the subway and to come back... you'd take a street car then the GO train to a GO bus. So during every trip you wonder if you've missed your stop and are almost in Ottawa?!? And to make matters worse some of the transit maps don't have streets on it. So you're just looking at a map of where the bus goes... but in all actuality you have no idea where the bus goes! I mean, you now know that it goes in the direction of north but what street... no! You don't get to know that kind of information! But then you think, well maybe when I get outside, I'll be able to see which bus goes on which street by the bus stop. Wrong again! The buses don't tell you what number bus is passing in front of that stop... there's just a symbol for which transit line it is. So some of the bus stop signs have the logo for EVERY transit! Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice! Why on earth wouldn't they put the bus number?!? It might be because some of the buses don't have numbers. Isn't that wonderful?!?

I haven't gotten lost yet. But Tuesday is a busy day for me so I just might. I'll just make sure to have every transit customer service phone number in my cell. Oh I'll be calling them!

I also realised that being a English Montrealer... I'm pretty much a foreigner everywhere on earth. It's actually quite sad. Today, I was in a elevator going down to leave the building. Another girl came in with me. When I got in the elevator, I stared at the buttons quite confused. I had no idea what to press. I looked at the numbers and say that after 2 came "M". What the heck is "M"?!? The girl in the elevator pressed this "M"... and asks me when she realises how lost I look if I'm going to the Main Lobby!?! Oh! The Main Lobby! Who would've known. So to explain why I look like I've never stepped out of my house before... I tell her that I just moved here from Montreal and our elevators call the lobby... RC. And then I thought...what the heck is RC?!?!

A few minutes later, while in the line for Burger King, I tell the cashier that I want the whopper junior trio. And she says what and I repeat myself... more than once. Then she rings up just the whopper junior. And I say no! I want the whopper junior trio! And she then again asks me what a few more times... and I repeat the same thing... wondering if I have an accent!!! Finally she says whopper junior what? And I'm like the drink and the fries! And she's like oooooooh! the combo! And I was like no! it's not a combo... because it's 3 things... that makes it a trio! She definitely thought I was a moron. But then I was reminded of all the times when I went to Tim Horton's a few blocks from my house and had to have long explanations with the lady about what I wanted... doing hand motions and all sorts of stuff. Just to try to get a doughnut or a cup! Or when those times when I say something in english that is the same word in french but I don't have the accent so they don't understand. Arg!

How sad to feel like a foreigner in your own country! English Montrealers are their own group of people... we should have our own island!

My Better Half

I'm emotional.

I cry.

I make decisions based on my feelings... which makes me quite indecisive most of the time. Okay, who am I kidding... all of the time.

My feelings are based on the warped views in my mind.

I don't often feel confident. I don't often feel pretty. I don't often feel important. I don't often feel worthy. And I don't even know why... I just feel.

I absolutely adore people who are the polar opposite of me. I admire them and aspire to be just like them. Chad, my uncle and the love of my life are/were all my opposite. They're logical. They don't often cry and they don't run on feelings. They make decisions because they have to. They do what they have to do no matter how they feel. And because of that they are successful... or were... or will be.

And the best thing about them... is that they don't put up with me and my crap. They don't accept my tears. They don't accept my indecisivness. They push me and they challenge me. And yes, they hurt me and I cry (even though I'm not allowed)... but they are the best thing for me.

These are the people I call when my world flips upside down and I have no more tears left to cry. When I don't know what to do or which way to turn. When I know I need a good swift hard kick in my behind.

Many people think they're jerks. Because they're blunt... they don't sugar coat and they don't care if they hurt you because they don't believe in feelings. Okay, so maybe they don't have the GREATEST personality in the world. But honestly... I need them.

And it's not to say I don't need everyone else. Because I do! I need my girls who cry with me. And I need my family who holds my hand. But I'm not going to get too far w/o the kick.

That's my personality. I know this... I need a kick. And I hope that one day I won't... and I'll be confident and I'll make great decisions and keep my eyes on the goal. Or! I'l just end up marrying someone who kicks me everyday!

Personally I'd rather keep my emotional side and add a bit more confidence... and then marry a logical man. Because if I became logical I would definitely lose myself... God made me emotional so I can make art. I write... I paint... I dance... I'm an artist. And beautiful art comes from feeling passionately. Emotional people feel passionately. And it's not to say that logical people don't make art... they do... but it's a bit more calculated then mine. They color in the lines... I don't.

So after my cry fest... I got a good hard swift kick from my uncle.

And I feel good.

I don't know how much has changed internally for good... but I'm at least going to get off my butt. I need to stay focused... and not stress. I will do this... I will get a job. And I am going to pursue a job. I am going to do what I can to get a great job. No matter how stretched I am or uncomfortable. Even though I really want to crawl into my bed with the covers over my head and cry... I will not! I will get up and get a job.

Let's see how long this lasts before I have to get kicked again.

Have you not known?

Have you not heard?

The everlasting God, the LORD,

The Creator of the ends of the earth,

Neither faints nor is weary.

His understanding is unsearchable.

He gives power to the weak,

And to those who have no might He increases strength.

Even the youths shall faint and be weary,

And the young men shall utterly fall,

But those who wait on the LORD

Shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles,

They shall run and not be weary,

They shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Hanging on a Cliff

You are all very priviledged people to be let in on the psyche of me! It's quite a crazy place. My life is a continuous struggle and fight to stay on track! And though things may at one moment seem positive... things can come crashing down really quickly. And for me, it doesn't take much. I'm pretty emotional... so switching back and forth from laughing and crying... is quite quick. So don't blink... or you just might miss the switch!

I love that this morning I said that I haven't cried for awhile so things were looking pretty good! And it didn't take me very long after writing that... probably less than an hour before I was bawling my eyes... big tears and sobs!

I've been job hunting since mid-August... and started responding to job posts since August 22nd. In mid-September, I had an interview for a job that I didn't get. I decided to move myself to Toronto even though I didn't have a job as an act of faith. I wanted to make sure I was serious... I was actually doing this. I'm a big dreamer and often times my plans fall through. So I felt that God was telling me this time to step out... and many people agreed. So here I am, in Brampton... about 40 job applications later give or take... and I've still only had that one interview.

Job hunting makes you feel like you're back in high school... telling the most popular boy in school that you like him only for him to reject you. Only job hunting is worse... it's like telling the most popular boy in school that you like him EVERY SINGLE DAY... and then he rejects you and chooses the most popular girl in school. When you're job hunting you have to wake up every morning and tell yourself... maybe TODAY I'll be the most popular girl in school... maybe today everyone will like me. That they will see that I'm smart and talented and deserve a chance. They'll see that I'm qualified... they'll actually want to call me and meet me! Maybe today is the day. And after 77 days later of hoping that today is your day... and it's NOT... you get a little depressed.

I'm not really sure what exactly triggered my crying-fest. I woke up this morning with the plan of going to a Job Fair in Hamilton. I was going to leave early but then decided to catch a later train. I was dressed in my black pants w/my suspenders and black button up top as I wrote my blog. I can't remember if I checked before or after my blog the price of my trip to Hamilton... it was going to be $30.

Now the thing about not working is that you don't really have any money. I had saved up a bit for this time. Unfortunately it didn't make it as far as I would've liked. So right now I have about $40. And my bills are being paid by each other... it's a vicious circle that I have stupidly concocted. So if I took a 2-hour trip to Hamilton to go to a Job Fair that I wasn't even really sure they would have jobs in my area... I would spend my last bit of money on my trip there and lunch. Well, maybe I could've brought a lunch. But then I would have $10 to last me until... I don't know. It wasn't sounding like a good idea. And to make matters worse, I did a little banking to see how broke I really was! Oh, I'm broke!

As a Christian, I'm suppose to believe a lot of different things. I believe that God is Love. That God is big and in control. I believe that this God of love is in control of my life...and He works things out for good. I believe that God opens doors and closes doors. God is it... He's my people. If something needs to get done... I'd have to go through the Big Man Upstairs.

So here I am: broke of my ass trying to get someone... anyone to like me... and trying to believe in a good God. Well let's just say that my faith is definitely being tried.

Why doesn't God just open the doors??? Why doesn't He find me a job? Does He want me to cry? To be broke? Why is He being soooooooooooo mean to me? Why do other people get great jobs and things fall into place so quickly and easily for them... and here I am struggling? Why doesn't He love me? Or even like me? Oh yeah, well, I don't think I like you too much either.

This is not a good place to me... incase you didn't notice.

I called my mom in Montreal and cried. I called Grace in Italy and cried. I called Eddie in Seattle and cried. I called Joy in Montreal to cry (didn't reach her). I spoke to Elissa and Eloise and cried. My uncle called and made me cry more. My aunt called and I cried. I wrote emails and cried. I read emails and cried. I lied in bed and cried. I sat on the floor and cried. Oh, I cried!

It all kinda comes down to my worth. Do I believe that I am worthy of a good job? Do I believe that I am worthy of being loved? By God and friends and family. Do I believe I am worthy of success? And of course, it comes down to belief as well. Good old Faith.

Being a Christian, God-bashing isn't always so great. It doesn't really leave me feeling like a star... it might actually make me feel worse. So I had to have a little God-time. This is when I put on some good Christian music and sing and write in my journal. This is when I pour out my heart before God and pray that He responds.

And because He is so faithful... He responded.

I had a vision. It's not as creepy as it sounds. It's really just a mental picture or movie. But it's too beautiful to be from my own mind... so it's a vision that God gives me. Here it goes... you're allowed to be freaked out... I'm not offended...

I'm hanging off a cliff. And I'm grasping on to Him with dear life. He's holding my arm though so even if I let go... He's still got me. But the more I stress... the more I slip. I get nervous about slipping... He doesn't. He just keeps telling me to trust Him. He tells me to relax... He's holding me... I don't need to struggle or do any work. But I'm quite nervous anyways. And He keeps telling me to wait. And we stay there... He keeps me on the edge of the cliff... holding on... and He's looking right at me... in my eyes... telling me to keep holding on. And I'm wondering or maybe yelling outloud... frustrated that He can pull me up but He won't. Does He want me to be more scared then I already am? Is He trying to prove to me that He's the boss? I'm so upset! I hate Him. But then... when I think I'm just about to slip out of His grasp... He pulls me up to my feet w/ease. One arm... no effort. And when I look around at the top of this cliff... it's a party! A big celebration. And He looks at me... full of love in His eyes and says, "It wasn't ready yet."

Now I'm crying happier tears. God loves me. He does. He really truly does. And He's good... He's a very good God. And I don't understand Him most of the time but I need to trust that everything He does is out of Love and Wisdom. And yes, circumstances and other people do play a role... but He's working it out. And everything will be ready soon!

And because I love Him... I'll wait for Him. He's worth it!

I am so grateful for my friends and family for their amazing support. For listening to me cry and offering me words of encouragement and prays... and offering me whatever help they can give. I am truly blessed by all of you! I have an amazing support system.

Now I just need to work a little bit on this worth... obviously a topic I am returning to!

"By faith [Kisha], when called to go to a place [she] would later recieve as [her] inheritance, obeyed and went, though [she] did not know where [she] was going. By faith [she] made [her] home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; [she] lived [in basements]....for [she] was looking forward to the city with foundations whose architect and builder is God."

Hebrews 11:8-10 [w/Renata's additions]

* * *

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything,

by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

* * *

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks;

for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

* * *

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you.

Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord,

because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

1 Corinthians 15:58

* * *

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,

who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

* * *

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11